Walter Miller Homepage

Where the bedpans have racing stripes

Mid Oct 96 AUTUNM EXTRA Update

Page 6 of 6


Lots more hapenned as you can imagine. Im too sick to write anymore about that day. But the next afternoon we all met at a lawyors office in that town--yes, granfather got himself one. A real greedy prick of a lawyer if you coud imagine there ever was one.

So we had a big meeting with my folks on speakorphone in Califonia plus there own lawyer and also Uncle Zeke whos granfathers older brother who lives on the Eastcoast. Also they patched in my brother and his wife. They hate granfathers guts too.

We settel out of court

The old beast shed phony tears for an hour before calming down. Even his own lawyer got sick of it and told him PLEASE STOP SIR.

Granfather was planing to sue us all. My folks planed to countersue him, and also granfathers brother already had 3 suits in progress against the old troll. This fammly of mine is the ultimete height of dysfunctonality.

Rather than all us Millers sueing each other to death heres what the lawyers figured out: If Uncle Zeke dropped his 3 lawsiuts (involving colectible trades with the old beast that went sour), then granfather woud drop his suit and also wont press criminol charges for assualt.

In return for this Dad must pay Uncle Zeke the $27,000 granfather owes him, in no intrest installments. Also, granfather was now responsible for paying his own fines, like the one he got for the Salad Bar incodent.

Smaller isseus get worked out

These smaller issues included: Limited visiting hours for the old wench girlfreind. No expectorating in any family members eye. No biting. No calling anyone a 'fagot' or 'wussy'. No more (thank God) elephent garlic.

Also the cardboard coller must stay on. The block of concrete MAY be chipped off his nose, but the iron ring must remain in place in case of an inability to control himself. (During that meeting the whole kit and kaboodle was still attached to his face--I must say it was somewhat an improvment).

Consessions that the family made to granfather included: A skylite in the pet carrier. Full access to dirty chat rooms, (I had restricted him).

Also, a revolting reqeust of granfather was granted which was one I was avoiding for months: Where I preferred to hose down the old basterd with insectocide i was now required to pick each lice off his body with tweazers. I wasnt happy about this cause in adition to being close to his smelly hairy skin for extended peroids of time it took about 3 tedious hours a week. After a while i just coudnt locate the damn things.

Granfather did try to cheer me up concerning this. TRY TO MAKE A GAME OUT OF IT WALTER, he says to me. THINK OF LOOKIN FER LICE ON YER OLD GRANPAPPY AS TRYIN TO FIND THE "NINA" IN THEM HIRSHFELD CARTOONS.

A complocation arises

Were almost all settled and ready to put our John Henrys on the documents when the lawyers secretery hapens to mention that shes a big fan of Walter Miller's Home Page. Yes shed read bout it in the Sept 2 issue of TIME Magazine and since became hooked. (My feelings were real hurt when she asked for granfathers autograph and NOT MINE.)

Gramfather gets all aggitated and screams that his grandson is slandoring him on the Worlwide Web. So dont you know the meeting drags on 2 more hours. And when its all settled heres what we came up with:

...and finaly, EQUAL TIME for my peurile patriarch in the form of:

A Home Page on the web

Yes the old beast is entitled to a ONE PAGE Prodigy-size text only web page to provide HIS side of the story. As according to the deal he is responsible for his own spelling.

If he wishes he can add an ASK GRANFATHER section at a later date, butI will write it and there MAY be typoes in it as well as dialect spelling which is my style for the old S.O.B., cause thats how he talks.

So as prescribed as a condition of binding arbotration, here it is:

View Granfathers Home Page

(Now all we need is sonething 'binding' for his out of control bowwels).