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* * * Special Feauture for Late-Feburary 98 Update* * *

THE TOP TEN ANOYING THINGS GRANFATHER DOES DURING THE 1998 WINTER OLIYMPICS

# 10
He cant pronounce "Nagano."

He keeps callin it "Nugga-NO, "Gun-NOG-Go", Nintendo, Nagasaki, and even "Noogie-ville." This is a man who pronnounces Arkansaw as "Arkin Sauce" and Fort Worth "Fott Wuth." Ignorrent beast.

WHY THE HELL THEY GOTTA HOLD THE WINTER GAMES IN NUGGANO?" Granfather screamed at me during supper the other night. "WHY DIDNT THEY PICK A EASY-TO-SAY PLACE, LIKE KANSAS CITY?"

# 9
Screamin at athletes for having the flu

This is a man who normolly doesnt get sick. Yes, Granfather hacks, cuoghs, and makes horrible throat clearing noises all day long, but he dosent truely know what it feels like to be sick. (Most germs and viruses die on contact with him, due to his awful toxic stench). And he actualy thinks that 1500 athleates who got the flu are all making it up, for sympathey. Yeah right.

# 8
"WHAR'S MUH TEXAS BOYS CARL AND MICHEAL?"

This is how stupid Granfather is: The first full week of the Olympics, Granfather howled like a banshee that his fellow Texans Carl Lewis and Micheal Johnson were not there. I had to explian to him that Mr. Louis retired, and that both he and Mr. Jonhson competes in the SUMMER Olmypics. My dad tells me that Granfather is so stupid that it wasnt till the 1976 Games that the old bastord finaly got it thruogh his thick walled skull that Texas does not compete as their own country in the games, even thuogh he says, "THEY SURE AS HELL ORTA HAVE THERE OWN TEAM!"

# 7
Conspirracy Theories

Never one to shrink from conspirracies, Granfather is convinced of certian ridiculuos beleifs. Namely, that the skiier known as The Herminator is one of the actors featured in those annoyying Mentos Candy comercials from Germany they keep showing on American TV. He also says that Italian skiier Alberto Tomba lied abbout his birthdate on the oficial forms, and is really aged 57, and that "shape shifters" from a Former Soviet Unoin military medical experriment gone bad were realy the ones who snuck in to trash the US Hockey team's hotel room.

Granfather is also convinced that U.S. figure skaters Michele Kwan and Nicole Bobeck are, in real life, not U.S. Citizens, and are in fact 2 of the Spice Girls.

"I FERGIT WHICH ONE KWAN IS, BUT THAT THAR BOBEK IS BABY SPICE. I'D BET YOUR LIFE ON IT, BOY."

# 6
Demands for explannations i dont have

The othor day i actualy got smacked because I was not able to tell Granfather what was the diference between a "Triple Lutz" and a "Triple Sow-Cow".

"I ALREDY KNOW WHUT A TRIPLE SOW-COW IS. ITS A TYPE OF DEFORMED CALF. USUALLY BORNED DEAD. BUT WHUT THE HELL'S IT GOT TO DO WITH FIGURE SKATING?"

The bastord kept pestering me, and demanding I answor him. Finaly I just ignored him. Then, when I got up off the sofa to take a leak, he grabbed my wrist in his bony claw, twisted my arm behind me, and then flung me halfway across the trailor where i twirled arround 2 or 3 times and then slipped on the linolium and onto my ass. I was only wearin socks so I slid. The abusive Son of Fobbich provided enthusiastic comentary thruoghout my stumbling painful pratfall as well:

"WATCH MILLER AS HE SLIDES INTO HIS TRIPLE-AXEL, DOUBLE-TOE-LOOP-COMBINATION...

"WHOOPS! THAT THAR FALL ONTO HIS SKINNY HAMS IS GONNA COST A FULL POINT ON TECHNICAL MERIT..."

# 5
The isseu of Curling

When you live with GRANFATHER, you learn very fast to be the Master of the Silver Broom. (Not to mention the Golden John Mop and the Bronze Toilat plunger).

The old bastord takes great delihgt in sliding our teapot along our sufficeintly greasy kitchon floor in the manner of the curling teams. Ecxept it usualy has water in it and doesnt slide smooth, and splashes allover the place. Then I have to get the mop, and if i dont scrub it viggorously like the Olymipans do, he will scream at me.

But the real 'curling' takes in the bathroom. Have you ever seen ceramic floor tiles curl from a bad odor? I have all the time. Even the peoplle at Home Depot have nevor seen anythin like it. The othor thing arround here thats curling when Granfather is arround are the hairs inside my nose.

# 4
Battle of the TV networks

Granfather has it all figuored out: There shoud be a federal law that mandates that only CBS shoud be alowed to do news coverage, only NBC shoud be alowed to produce sitcoms, only Fox shoud do "adult dramas," and only ABC shoud be allowed to do the Olympics. He is so upset that CBS covorage dosent even use the Olynpic trumpet fanfare song.

"I MISS THE ABC OLYMPIC THEME SONG," Granfather mumbles. "I MISS JIM MCKAY. I MISS THEM PISSY YELLER POLY-BLEND BLAZERS ALL THE ANNOUNCERS WORE."

And certianly he misses the coverage for the sake of endless speciel interest stories that no one cares abbout.

Granfather also takes delihgt in comparing how the othor networks woud of covored various parts of the games. For example, during the pairs skating: "NBC WOUD BE SHOWIN' A COMMERCIAL RIGHT NOW. ABC WOUD BE SHOWIN' AN INSTANT REPLY, AND FOX WOUD BE SHOWIN' A NICE CLOSE UP O'THET WOMAN'S ASS WHEN HER SKIRT FLEW UP."

# 3
Obbsesive, conpulsive, uncontrolled verbalimisms

As you know, the bastord cannot controle himself and his outbursts. There is his continuol chant of: "LESS LUPINSKY AND MORE LEWINSKY." But othor than that, there are two main maniac verbol sputterings that stick in my mind most: One, a constant bird chirping of:
Peek-a-boo...STREEET!
Peek-a-boo...STREEET!
Peek-a-boo...STREEET!

He beams his eyes and cocks his head like a deranged chicken. Somtimes he does a whole chicken routine by saying very rappidly:

"Cluck-cluck-cluck-Puh-CAWK!
Peek-a-boo-STREET-cluck-Puh-CAWK!

Have you ever seen the derainged, wide-eyed cocked-head grin that deposed Cardassian leador Gul Dukat does on Startrek: Deepspace 9 whenever he just finnished saying somthing nasty? Granfather does it sort of like that, but a litle less reptilian, and a bit more chickon-like. The othor night i awoke to find him kneeling on my chest as I lay in bed, his head cocked to the side and one eye just inches from my own, and loudly clucking like rabid poultry. It scaired the danm hell out of me.

The othor thing the bastord does, is whennever there is a hockey goal, he howls like that guy on the Spanish langauge channel does for 30 seconds straihgt everytime a goal is scored in Worldcup Soccor:

GOOOOoooooOOOOOoooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooAL!!!

# 2
Huge Luge frustrattions

Granfather screams like crazy everrytime they show the luge. First of all, he is convinced that the word "luge" is realy the name for somthing that comes out of your nose. Secondley, he doesnot think its a sport. He thinks the luge is too easy. Ocasionaly he will haul his scrawley carcass out of the wheelchair and lie on his back on the cofee table. Almost motionless ecxept for a sustained twitching in his shouldors, Granfather will curse and scream, "IT AINT A SPORT! MUH DANM BROTHER WILLIE IN THET HOSPITAL ON HIS DEATHBED COUD DO THE DANM LUGE!"

# 1
Womon's Hockey

He LOVES womons hockey. "I NEVER THOGHT I'D BE LUCKY ENUOGH TO BE ALIVE TO SEE THIS," he says. Its the only time the bastord is rellativly quiet. He dosent even yell "GOOOAL" when this on. He is so fixated on it, he wont even tell me when its time to go to the bathroom--I have to guess, and keep the rolling potty chair on call, right next to the sofa.

Insted he sits there trembling lustfulley while mumbling to himself things like: "I'D LIKE TO GIT THAT THAR ONE IN THE BACK O'MY ZAMBONI," and also, "I WOUDNT MIND A BODY CHECK FRUM HER."

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Thankgod the Oliympics are over, because I cannot stand him aneymore.

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Want to know what the bastord thuoght of the '96 Olympics in Atlanta? Click here for a classic Homepage Supplament from Summer 1996