Walter Miller's Homepage

If it realy is a "globol village", then I geuss I am the village idiot.

Late April 1998 Update

Page 3 of 7


Granfather and the County Clerk hate each othor. Their very public feud started abbout 12 years ago when the Clerk led a failed effort to have the county lines re-drawn arround Granfather's property as to exile the old bastord to a neighborring county.

While we were in town, we dropped in on Uncle William who was placed in the hospitol. It looks like my poor Uncle Will is going to die very soon, sureley not living till Memoriol Day. The poor guy cant even talk no more. Zeke is 10 years oldor than Granfather, and Williom is a few years older than Zeke.

Granfather sidled up close to the bed and said in a tendor, sensittive voice, "IVE ALLWAYS WANTED TO TELL YOU THIS BIG BROTHOR WILLIE: I HATE YER FRIGGIN GUTS."

Uncle Will didnt answor, but he glowered at Granfather, and then took Zeke's hand in his own. Then he folded down all of Zeke's fingers ecxept the middle fingor, and then held his brothor's hand up in Granfather's face, while his dry lips silentley mouthed, "KISS MY ASS."

The whole thing was so upseting to me that i started cryin and had to leave the room.

After the hospitol visit, Uncle Zeke also had to go to the doctor becuase he had chest pains from straining himself by running out to the barn to get the coal shoval to kill Granfather. The doctor prescribbed these special pills for him, and told him NOT to exert himself in the Texas heat.

Gramps is not alowwed in this particulor doctor's office from an incodent that hapenned last year, (dont ask), so while Zeke went inside, I sat in the parkin lot with him. Granfather woudnt stop braggin about what fun he had with "such a well-placed retaliatory pee" down at the Mini-Mart earlier in the day.

For an hour I had to hear the old bastord babbling on abbout how "The art of Pissin' in folks' gas tanks ain't whut it used to be" ever since they came out with the new Unleaded Gas nozzels which are much more narrower.

"AND THEN, THAR'S THET DAMN COIN-SHAPED SPRING CLIP IN ALL THEM NEW GAS TANK HOLES," the basterd complained. "A FELLER SURE COULD GIT HISSELF NIPPED RIGHT PAINFUL IF HE AIN'T CAREFUL."

My uncle's unique deffense stratogy

Next, all three of us stopped in to meet with Uncle Zeke's new lawyer, who will defend him in the triol for atempted murder. Him and the lawyor are hoping to present scientific eviddence that will show that Granfather is clinically not human. If this is proved, then the charges will be reduced to Creulty to Animals. Granfather is not only allowwing Uncle Zeke to stay in the house beffore trial, he is encourraging it, and will even help to prove that he himself is an animal to help Zeke defend his case before a Texas Superier Court.

"I COUDNT LIVE WITH MUHSELF IF THE BIG GALOOT WENT OFF TO JAIL," the old bastord confidded in me that night after supper while I was removing some barb wire from his tounge with a pair of plyers, (Dont ask).

"ONE O' THE GREAT JOYS O'MY LIFE IS MUH PURE BROTHORLY HATRED FER ZEKEY."

Yes Granfatther wants to keep him arround just to tourment him.

The Duke of Windsor Royal metal crown atachment

In my last update i wrote about that pot metal crown attachment that Granfather stole from the bumper of the Duke of Windser's car back in 1960: Uncle Zeke still wants to own this item more than aneything. Granfather is still wearring it in plain view, and it hangs from a chain arround his neck like a giant medallion. He has even taken to wearring a black turtleneck shirt as to make the crown more conspicuous. Atleast once a day the sadistic bastord dangols the thing in front of Zeke, swingin it back and forth.

"LIKE MUH BIG-ASS OLE MEDALLION, BIG BROTHER? LOOKY HERE AT ME: I'M THE REVOREND AL SHARPTON!"

I start my new Work scheduole

This was the week that I started my NEW work schedulle. I am now in the full swing of splitting my work week between the Netly News and this othor company that i refer to as 'Cyberblop.'

Here was my OLD work scheduole:

MONDAY: At Home--Working on my Netly News colunm.

TEUSDAY: Same as monday. Late at night, I finish up my colunm and post it to the Netly network server.

WENDSDAY: Get up at 5 AM. Drive to the Netley Satelite office here in Texas. Work 8 to 4pm. On this day I do coding and programming for the website. While i am there i pick up my work for data entry.

THURSDAY: At home, working on my Data entry. It is suposed to be only 8 hour's work, but i start at 7am and usualy dont finish until Freinds is on Must-See-TV Thursdays. Lying New Media bastords.

FRIDAY: Back to Netly to drop off the data entry work. I am suposed to work 8 to 4, but aftor fixing all the misteaks I made on Thursday, I have stayed as late as 10 PM. Like i said it is a 3 to 4 hour drive eachway.

I left out allot of the routine, rote details that happan all of the time: Includding ALWAYS gettin hollered at at work, as well as COUNTLESS interupptions of having to change Granfather's diapers or else haul the grisly coot's skinny ass onto the crapper 50 times a day, when the whole world knows he can controle his bowols pretty danm well on his own...

...Not to mention, othor interupptions of my work due to othor routine, Granfather-rellated emergencies. And the fact that i allways get hit or smacked for the crime of merely entering the house from after my long drive home from work, because any disturbence while his favoritte show Bevorly Hills 90210 is on, causes violence on the part of the mutant bastord.

In between all of this, I squeeze in working on the Home Page you are readding right now. Here is my NEW scheddule:

MONDAY: At Home--Working on my Netly News colunm.

TEUSDAY: Drive in to the Netly office in the aftornoon, just to turn in my weekly colunm. (No more access to the network server is allowed from my home, thanks to Granfather who got onto my computor while i was in the shower, and posted some of those fake nakked Alissa Millano .JPEGs he got off some porn site. Thank God they just got posted onto the internal network and NOT the live web. It is my own danm fault, becuase I left the frikkin FTP window open, so i was still logged on when i went in the showor.)

WENDSDAY: Get up at 5 AM and drive to my NEW job.

THURSDAY: Same as Wendsday. It is very riggorous to do this 3 days in a row. I am thinking that mabye I will try to bring a sleeping bag in or perhapps try to sleep undor my cubical, like George Costanza did on that eppisode of Sinefeld. Only problom is, if I get cought, I will be screwed.

FRIDAY: You will be pleased to know that I am back in therappy for the emotionol problems in my life. (No big wondor, when you see what my danm life is like). Also i suffor from a poorselfimage and compulsive behavoir. My councelling sessions are held a two hour's drive in the opossite direction from where my jobs are, and they run from 10 AM to 2pm with lunch in the middle. So, you can see, the whole day is shot.

The next day after the incodent at the Mini Mart was Wendsday, which was my first day at my new job, 'Cyberblop.'

Theres a reason why i dont use their real name

It is the same reason why i never named most of the places Ive worked at since writing this home page.

The reasen is this: Have you ever been out on a date with a girl, and you happan to run into some of your freinds from school, and then all of a sudden she nuzzols close to you and you think she is goingto kiss you or somthing. But insted she wispors in your ear, "Dont tell ANEYONE we're on a date," becuase she is embarased to be out with you? And then, even aftor your freinds come over, she insists on makking the point clear to all parties pressent, "You know, me and Walter are NOT on a date."?

Well i have. 'Cyberblop' is enbarassed to have me work for them. I am not even alowed to put it on my resume. That was part of the deal. They SAY that this is becuase they are a "Secret Internet Startup Companey" that does web consulting, but I know differentley.

You are probly wondoring why they agreed to hire me at all.

I am getting a clearer picturre of my skill-set: I am more of a writer than a techy-type. I will be doing semi-humorous marketting writing and also adverttising copy for Cyberblop. They grudgingly admit that while i am a crappy speller, I am also as a mattor of fact a pretty decent writer. (I am NOT bragging: THEY said these words, NOT ME.)

My new supervizor at Cyberblop told me that they will make sure all of my spelling for stuff that goes out to clients is SPELLED CORECTLY.

Also: I am "Controvercial" Plus he told me that becuase my home page is famous and "controvercial" that they are not telling their clients that the reknowned "Walter Underscore Miller" is involved. In fact, when we go into meetings, and any client is present, I have to use a differrent name, for God's sake. This arangement sort of hurt my feelings. After all how can i boost my poor selfesteem when peoplle want my work, and yet are ashammed of me.

Not much going on the first week: Just allot more driving