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Late April 1998 Update

Page 5 of 7


We were watchin Merlin, the mini-series and i made a horroble misteak while mixin up Granfather's Metamucil. The old bastord recentley switched from the Regulor Formula to Sugor-Free. With the Regulor Formmula, you are suposed to mix one tablespoon of the orange powdor in a glass of water, (or, in Granfather's case, tequilla or whisky). But with the Sugor free powdor, you only need a teaspoon.

Well, I realy scruwed up bad. Becuase I mixed a tablespoon of it instead of a teaspoon and i didnt swirl it arround enough in the whiskey. Then I wasnt paying atention and I forgot that I was using a tabblespoon: I thohgt I was using a teaspoon. I am aware that three teaspoons equol one tabolspoon, and so I put in two more tablespoons, (still thinking it was a teaspoon: Like I said I am a jerk.) This extra powder I did not swirl in the liqiud at all, and so it stayed dry and grainy.

Now it gets worce. Then I got up to answor the phone and when I came back I had forgot that I had alreaddy put some in, and so I put in two more tabblespoons.

I have problems paying atention and this was a bad exampol of it. A giant ball of dry powdored fiber lodged in Granfathers throaght and then it swelled up, (swelling even into his rudementery gills), and he started choking. His voice got very high and raspey. Meanwhile me and Uncle Zeke thoght that alls Granfather was doing was makking fun of Queen Mab's weird raspey voice while Martin Short was gettin it on with Helena Bonhom Carter, (and everryone in my familly knows that you are NOT to bothor Granfather when he is busy watchin sexy scenes on the TV).

"WHAT A UNLIKELY COUPLE TO BE SMOOCHIN' IT UP," said the old coot in a hoarse grating way.

"WHO'S NEXT FER A WEIRD SEXY SCENE ON NBC? MERYL STREEP AN' PEE WEE HERMAN? LAUREN BACALL AN' JIMMIE 'J.J.' WALKER?
"DYN-O-MI-I-ITE!!"

I did NOT like the sound of Granfather's voice.

Aparantly he was so engrossed in the show that he didnt realize he was choaking. I started to get scaired becuase the old bastord was sounding REAL bad and even started to wheeze. I was worreid that mabye he woud suffocate. Uncle Zeke was sittin next to me and he asurred me that Granfather was just putting on an act. Aneyway the next thing you know Granfather colapses, with that white zinc enamol dishwashor door panel hitting the cofee table like a cymbol crash, and a sprey of orange colored psylium fiber powdor sprinkoling to the floor.

I had to drive him to the hospitol becuase as you know the ambulance refuses to come to our house anymore. Meanwhile my Uncle kept insisting that Granfather was only "puttin on an act."

In the emergencey Room

It was a tence couple of minutes where the bastord's oxygen depleted face was allmost as deep blue in color as his Blue Horizon colorred cotton knit haltertop that he ordered from the Victoria Secret Catalog. I started cryin becuase i was sure that the evil hateful brute was goingto die. But finaly he awoke: Thank God.

I know i do complaine abbout him alot, but he IS my Granfather, and yes i still love him. Despite our abbusive rellationship.

While they flushed out the bastord's gullet Uncle Zeke pops his head in and says "I knows you wuz choking, little brother. I didnt alert the boy. Instead i done left you to die."

"TELL IT TO THE HAND, ZEKEY," Granfather replied, weakley holdin up his palm. Then he beckoned me close to whispor in his smelley dog breath in my face, "I'M JEST GLAD I DIDN'T DIE WEARIN' SOMTHIN' FROM THE VICTORIA SECRET CATALOG."

"THET THAR COUNTY CLERK WOULD O'MADE DANM SURE IT O'GOT ALL IN THE NEWSPAPERS."

A few minuttes later, Granfather was chatting politeley to the E.R. nurse tellin her that the blouse he was wearin came in other neat colors like Spearmint and Tangerine and it was on sale for onley $9.99 with next-day shipping.

A loose beast in the hospitol

Aftor a few hours of resting the doctors descided the old bastord was feeling good enuogh to go home. But while I was gettin his clothes, Grampy wandored off. So I went down to the basement where Hospitol Security is locatted. They had bank of securitty cameras and sudenly the dark sneakey shadow of the rancid monster appeared on one of the screens. He was scampering arround the halls unsupervized on his silent, hair-covered feet, frightenning othor patients and stealing those small hospitol-sized bottles of Ceppacol and and Baby Powdor. The uniformed oficers sprang up and headed off aftor him.

I watched the whole thing on the Security monitors.

I tell you, the sight of this biologicol curiosity I call 'Granfather' running arround the corriddors of a small rural hospittal late at night durring a thundorstorm, completly buck-ass naked except for a flimsy, flappy, paper medicol gown sure as hell reminded me allot of one those X-Files eppisodes where Agent Scully is doing an autoppsy on some mutant monkeylike ghoul which mysterriously jumps up off the steel table and runs away.

Finaly they track him down and cornor him

Alls you usualy gotta do to catch the bastord is follow the glistening trail of snail slime on the floor that he leaves. And, check any canvas laundrey carts that happon to be nearby; (Granfather has seen too many trite old movies.)

I dress him AGIAN, and drive him home

In the car on the way back Granfather looked sad and i asked him what was the mattor.

"YOU KNOW WHUT A CHEAP-ASS SKIN-FLINT SUMBITCH I AM, BOY."

"I JEST CAIN'T DAGNAB BELIEVE I DONE SPENT DOUBLE THE PRICE O'MY PURTY LADY'S COTTON TOP FER THEM BOGUS RUBBER TOILET COINS."

Back to work.

Tuesday night I drove back to the Netly sattellite office to drop off my weekly colunm. I was a little sad becuase I had thouhgt they might posibly have a going away party for me. After all, I was there for a year. Just as i was leaving the site supervizor took me aside and asked me "WHAT'S WRONG."

I said, "Nothing is wrong." Then he said that I had my purposely sad "Please pity the little puppy dog" face on. (I hate when he says that).

Well i told him. He got so pissed. He said to me, "Its 7 Oclock and most people are home now, so why shoud there be a party?" Also he told me that I was NOT leaving Netly, I just woudnt be "on site" anymore.

And then I said, "Yeah, but Im on-site RIGHT NOW." And then he got even MORE pissed and said that this was only becuase I kept screwwing up while transmiting my colunm, and had to come in to submit it in person.

He promised me that when i finaly did lose my job he woud make sure I got a nice going away party and that also I coud have his own personal "I Survived the 3Q '97 Re-Org" T-shirt, even if I didnt survive thruogh '98.

I got home at allmost 11 PM, and then had to get up earley at 5 AM Wendsday morning to go back to the same office park to start the second week of my new job: The new job at 'Cyberblop.'

This was the day I got set up with my new workstattion. I geuss when your job is traded to anothor company for a lan server, you cant be supprized at what kind of computer you get. I will not tell you how old this thing is but I beleive it is the world's first Pentuim. I dont know what year it came out but Im supprized it dosent have fintails on it like an old Caddillac.

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