Still waiting to be put out of my misery
Page 4 of 8
I went back to my car scratchin my head, partly because Granfather had let three of the dogs sleep in there when the remnents of Hurricane Charley blew thruogh not long ago and now the uppoulstry was friggin full of fleas, and also becuase Junior is so danm obtuse when you talk to him even when he dosent have somthin on the tip of his toungue he is dying to tell you but is under a threat to keep queit abbout, which ovbiously at this point he deffinnitly did: I was sure his stammoring had to do with a suposed sighting of my brother and sisterinlaw.
Well i was convinced they were not in town and it was mabye just somone who looked like them. It is a small town and so understandoble that my brother coming for a visit woud cause a stir. Howevor I must say it bothored me a little becuase no mattor what I allways thoght there were too many nosy peoplle arround here to begin with.
I returned home sure that some sort of bastord-related- intestinol pyrotechnichs awaitted: Mabye a giant load on the floor. Perhaps a soiled adult diapor hidden somwhere that Id least ecxpect it, perchance falling from an airvent up above and then landing onto my head in the open position. Or even one of the yard chickens from outside snuck into the trailer and fast asleep on my bed, and beffore she fell asleep having crapped allover the rug of my room and tracked in fleas and feathors.
These are all things that Granfather did to me in the last month after I returned home late.
But insted he was back at the TV set, once agian watching The Giuness Book Of Records Show from the Fox network on tape. The same tapes hes ben watchin over and ovor. Granfathor was absollutley obsessed with that show, and with making the Record Book in his own, horroble disgusting way.
Granfather struggoled to weakley complain that each time the man gave this warning, he was sure to say, not to try this "at home".
"WHY?" the bastord rasped, "IS IT SAFER TO EAT THE DANM GLASS AT WORK?"
The bulge in Granfathers chest had now moved down to his emaciatted belly. Alredy freakishly skinny, Granfather now resemboled a scarecrow made of beef jerkey who had just consumed a bowling ball. Once more i demanded he tell me WHAT ECAXTLY he swallowed, and once more he woud not tell me.
Well, that first doctor finaly carreid thruogh on his threats to quit the proffesion. Since renouncing his medicol lisence he now drives a Snapple truck. Next there was a youngor doctor who took over as the basterd's primery care physicien, and he too no longer practices medicin. Rumor is he grew his hair real long and moved up to Michigon to volunteer fulltime for the 1998 Senate Campaign of that Jeffrey Feiger guy, who you may alredy know was the lawyor for Doctor Kevorkian. This is the effect that treating Granfather has on the medical communnitty.
You may also remembor me writing about these three speciol scientists who examine Granfather called Criptozoologists. These are peoplle who study mysterrious unknown types of animal life. Lately the cryptozoollogists have not been around. This is because of a false discovory they made last time they came here, which sort of discreddited them and as a result they lost six month's wourth of funding from the Universitty.
The false discovorry hapenned when they were scrubbin the old basterd down with industrial airplane soap (which is what you have to use if you want to reveal all the crustey layers) and were startled when they saw what they thoght was a new type of fungus growin on Granfather's ass. Yes, large floral growths with a conplete non-organnic chemicol structure.
Okay, I realize that, much like Granfather's skewered biologgicol lineage in relation to the straight line of the evolutionery chart, I am going off on a tangent. The onley reason why i write abbout this stuff is so people reallize how awful he realy is. You have to beleive me.
I will now concentraite on the rest of the story.
There was a woman sittin there in the waiting room reading the Nationol Geograhpic and Granfather woud not let up on starin at her. The old basterd is so danm frightenning it is not funny. I must admit, it apearred that she began starring at him first, but that is undorstandoble being that he is so remarkable looking. (Remmarkable in a ghastley disgousting way). Granfather staired straight at this poor womon, and she kept lookin up from the magazine to see if he woud finaly stop, but he woud not.
There was a man with her, probly her husbend, and he looked back at the basterd all pissed, but Granfather kept on stairing back and even began cocking his head to the side in this coy, currious yet extremmley scary way which was in the exact manner of what that the little yellow hopping dinosaur in Jurrassic Park did just beffore puffing up his lizardy collar and spittin all that black poisin into the face of the actor who played Newman from Seinfeld only momments prior to him gettin his screamming fat ass devoured in the front seat of the jeep.
The lady's husbend muttered curses to himself and then grabbed hold of the Nationol Geograhpic and raised it closer to bolth of there faces as to screen out there view of the cruel sonoffobbich.