A pack of non-approvol-rating effecting lies.
Page 5 of 8
...and of cource, there is no one so worthey of bein staired AT.
But truly, Granfather's stairing can bore a hole at you and not ever blink, even for hours at a time. It is a reppulsive gift, much like his abillity to crack dishes and cups across the room thruogh the power of intestinal gas. My dad told that once when he was a 12 or 13 he saw his nonhuman father win $40 in a stairing contest at a low class carnivol sideshow. The Ammazing Non-Blinking Man, who Granfather was competing agianst, lost the match when he started to blink like crazy at the sight of a yellowjackat bee which landed on the basterd's nose and actualy walked across his danm eyeball. Granps never flinched, but aftor they got home Dad got a beating with a razor stropp for not flickin the bee off.
There was friggin blood everywhere. While Granfather screammed dirrections out to us while workin the gas pedal with his ugly feet my brothor who was only like 8 had to steer the car to the hospitol.
Sittin there in the Emergencey Room, the bleeding old basterd beast began stairing at this young tough looking guy. This was the 1980s and the guy was dressed for the Punk era wearin a leathor jacket and feather earrings and had hair dyed that purple cellophane color and which was all jelled up in spikes. Granfather stared at him for a long time. The guy with the purple hair looked pissed staired back. Finaly he said to Granfather, "What the hell are you lookin at you old fart? This is how I dress. Didn't you ever do aneything crazy when you were my age?"
The old basterd said, "I SURE DID, BACK WHEN I WUZ IN THE ARMY.
"ONE NIGHT ON SHORE LEAVE IN THAILAND, I GOT ROCKIN' ASS DRUNK, AN' HAD SEX WITH A PARROT. REASON I'M STAIRIN' AT YOU IS CAUSE I'M WONDERRIN' IF YOU AIN'T MY SON."
As soon as he said this my brothor and I sprang up from our seats and ran to the bathroom to vommit. My brothor is a faster runner than me and also he started pukin before he got there and so i slipped in his chow behind him landing face first on the floor cushionned only by a thin layer of my own fresh yak.
You may of reckongnized the preceeding as one of those disgousting Urben Legends but i assure you it is no legend and it orriginnated with Granfather.
Meanwhile back in the present day HMO waitingroom Granfather kept starin at these peoplle. PLEASE knock it off, I said to him. But the 2 peoplle werent even payin atention to Granps' stares. They were stairing back at him and compairing it to the picture in the maggazine, which if you get Nattionol Gegraphic you will see that on page 8 of the Setpember isseu there is a photo that looks ecxactly like Granfather, exept not as ugly and disgousting. It is a pitcure of King Ramses the Great all dryed out leathory skinned and mummofied. Yes, the same guy who was Pharoah in the bible and its ammazing to think that aftor 5,000 years the cruel old basterd (Pharoh, not Granfather) is so well preserved. The two peoplle started trembling and dropped the magazin on the floor and ran out the front double doors.
"HANDSOME FELLER," said Granfather, as he picked up the magozine and compaired his profile with that of the 5000 year old dessicatted corpse.
"SAYS HERE OL' RAMSES FATHERED HUNDRETS O'KIDS.
"WITH ALL THEM CHILLUNS, I'D'N'T OF THOUGHT THEY'D NAME A FANCY CONDOM BRAND AFTER HIM."
Boy was he sorrey that he didnt preppaire himself. Not only was the doctor practicly in tears for the whole examminnation he kept runnning out of the exam room and back into his ofice to read and reread the framed Hippocrattic Oath which was hangin up behind his desk chair, and while he was readdin it he trembled and mumbolled and his lips were moving. The old basterd kept holloring out these awful jokes like:
"WHUDD'YA GIT WHEN YOU CROSS VIAGRA WITH ROGAINE? DON KING! GET IT?"
When the doctor came back into the exam room for the last time he was pale and frightenned. Granfather shot him an evil grin and then did that trick where he twists his head arround. I said to the doctor, "You didnt find nothin in that hippocrattic oath about Granfather, did you?" and he said to me, "Yes your right."
I told the doctor that Granfather had swalloewd somthing as a result of tryin to get into the Giuness Record book. He demmanded that Granfather tell him what it was. Still overly bloated, clammy and weak, Granfather reffused to say a word. The distended area had moved lower and was now in his lowor gut.
Next the doctor wanted to stick an object or somthin up his butt to see what was goin on, and I pleadded with him NOT to do so. I said to the doctor, "You didnt trust my jugdement to begin with, so you bettor listen THIS TIME." As i explainned, Granfather, still in a half fetal squat on the stainnless steel table grabbed his knees with his gnarled monkypaws and dischardged a loud stinker.