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Late Septembor 1998 Update

Page 6 of 7


They are hairloss comercils. Yes Granfather has also been makin fun of me becuase I am loosing my hair. I am too young to be goin bald. I am not even close to being bald but I am thinning and receading. At this rate I donot even want to think abuot what it looks like by the time I am 30. So you can immagine the basterd's mean coments everytime a Rogaine(R) comercial comes on. It is very disheartening becuase Granfather has so much hair than I do. (I am talking abbout head hair--lets not get gross).

But when the Propecia(TM) comercial comes on I have to leave the room becuase undoubtedly everytime the anouncer says, "This product may cause sexaul side effects," Granfather has to holler at me, "WAAL BOY, YOU GOTTA GIT SOME FIRST, BEFORE YOU GIT THEM SIDE EFFECTS."

I keep hoping that I will have the nerve to say to him what I realy want to say in responce: That you, Granfather, are a sexuol side-SHOW.

We clean him up to go outside

Granfather agreead to let us take the bindor clips off. Not that they were painfull, but me and dad did agree to sign sworn statments that there were indeed 1,118 clips on him; (at some point i will have to count them--he is keeping them in a bag untill that time). One one of the clips, (Granfather told us), atcualy hurt.

Washing Granfather is allways an adventure. (An adventoure if, say, you are on a quest to discovor new life.) Yes, becuase in adittion to the regulor menagerie of bugs, funguses and mosses you allways find on Granfather, mostley arround his head and neck (but also on OTHOR PARTS -- YUCK!) not a washing goes by that you dont find nothing new. In this case, the beginings of one of those flouresent stump mushrooms behind one ear.

Also, there was atcualy growing out of one of the many razer-thin, extremly narrow but very deep crevises which naturolly get full of muck on the very top if his head, (which I had been lookin at all night), somthin that I'd just asummed was a long, weird colorred sharp-egded grey hair. But it realy turned out to be a peice no less than 8 inches long of Australian porcupine grass. I later found out what probly hapenned was that a seagull or somthin must of got blowed off cource and inland from Hurricane Charley a few weeks ago, and then crapped on Granfather's head while he was outside in the yard scremmin at me as I was feeding the dogs in the rain.

One thing i like about populatted areas like is that there;s allways places to eat 24 hours a day. As we headded outside into the warm evening, Granfather was now awake and annimated and talking about how he was goingto take retributtion against my brother and his brother: Both in criminol and civil court. Dad said that he was sure that there was some sort of familly councilling mediation that woud adress everyone's issues.

Almost anotthor altercation

The hotel they were hiding Granfather in was practicly walking distence to our hotel so I wasnt realy suprized to run into that Mickey Dolenz-looking Asian man from the othor place, walkin past us in the parkin lot. Granfather has to start in and begin anothor altercation. I wont say how it started or what rude disgussting thing Granfather said to start the incodent but i will say that he hapenned to be was smokin a cigar and in any case both this man and Granfather start screammin at each other. This is a true story. I am not makin this up. This sort of thing allways hapens when we are with Granfather, and the furthor away from home we are the worse Granfather's behavoir usualy is.

Dad layes down the law

Micky Dolens (not really Micky Dolens, but an Asien man who looked like him) then said very sternley that he wanted Granfather to apologize to him. He tells Granfather to NOT DO ANEYTHING: Do not say, or touch or do nothin: just apologise to Mickey. It is very dark out. there are these strong bluish lights in the parkin lot and a yellow glow of the airport in the distence. A plane loudley roars above it. No one is moving. I am very enbarassed and about to cry, but I held it in. Finaly Granfather promises to behaive. He looks right at the man and says, "MAY I PLEASE READ A PREPAIRED STATEMENT?"

All 3 of us who are there just lookat the the old basterd. At last Dad says, NO!!

Then Granfather says, "WAAL, THEN I REVERT TO MY PREVIOUS STATEMENT."

The man just starts screammin at him and Granfather begins screamin back.

Back tothe room

It turns out that Granfather is just too unruly to go out to brekfast and we just end up bringin him back to the room. Unfortunatly, to watch more TV. I tryed to get some sleep and as soonas i drifted off, the old basterd was kneelin on my chest poking me.

"HEY...HEY BOY. YOU AWAKE?

"Mmmmph...."

"DONT 'MMMPH!' ME! WAKE UP YOU DUMBASS SUMBITCH!

"Whats the mattor?" "I CAIN'T SLEEP, GARRDAMMIT!"

"Yes, i know why, Granfather."

THE HELL YOU DO!

Here i was thinkin i was consoling Granfather over the horrer of his family plotting to put him to sleep, but it was ME he was mad at!! And he told me why too: Becuase he said it is MY ugly face he has to go home with. Then he startad laughin in that evil cackling shreiking banshee way he does. It sounds like a danm chickon being tortured. Granfather is truely abusive in the clinicol sence of the word.

"TELL ME BOY," he said to me sudenly,

"THET THING YOU SAID BEFORE ABOUT PAT BUCHANAN HAVIN' A SISTER: YOU WUZ MAKIN THET UP, RIGHT?"

I said to him "NO, Granfather."

The old basterd wailed, "LORDY, NOW I REALLY CAIN'T SLEEP..."

I Hate Cable TV

Do you know why? Becuase at any given time, there are 4 stattions airing Clinton's danm Grand jury testimoany. To the amusement of the old monstor, I was forced to watch it with him, and also watch as the old basterd switched to othor coverage of the testimony on other channels, and also listen to Granfather's awful rambling commenterry too thruoghout the whole time, (while Dad slept like a log), and until the sun rose over the New Jersy Turnpike.

(Please forgive my constent refferences to the area surrounding Newerk airport thruout this update: My acountant told me that if i ever ecxpect to get a tax write off for the expenses surounding my trip, I will have to show that I was actualy there in my writings).

In any case I thoght you might want to know what I had to put up with. So here are, (in no particulor order):

The top Ten things Granfather has been either hollerin at the TV set, or at me, (or at strangers), or has been verbally stuck on, since Clinton's taped depposition aired:

# 10

JUST LIKE MOST STRAIGHT-TO-VIDEO-RELEASES, THIS THING SUCKS.

# 9

(Directed at varrious women in public): "WHOO-EEE!! I SURE WOUDN'T MIND NOT HAVIN' INAPPROPRIATE RELATIONS WITH YOU, BABY!

# 8

(Directed at varrious women in public): OF COURSE, IT ALL DEPENDS ON WHUT YOUR DEFINITION OF 'IS' IS, BUT YOU SURE IS A FINE LOOKIN' TOMAYTA!

# 7

GOLLDANG DAGNAB REPUBLICANS: FIRST THEY VOTE TO BAN PORN FROM THE WEB. THEN THEY VOTE TO PUBLISH IT.

# 6

WITH THIS NASTY OL' STARR REPORT UP THAR, I WONDOR IF THE 'COMMANDER IN HEAT' IS STILL PUSHIN' TO GET THE NET INTO ALL THE CLASSROOMS.

# 5

OLE PRESS SECRETERY MIKE MC CURRY SAYS, 'THE PRESIDENT HAS PUNISHED HIMSELF ENOUGH.' ...GUESS HE'S TALKIN ABOUT THE PHONE SEX PART.

# 4

THAR'S A REAL NASTY-ASS BAD JOKE SOMEWHERES IN HERE ABOUT ROSS PEROT, AND U.S. JOBS HEADIN' DOWN TO MEXICO, BUT I JEST CAIN'T THINK OF IT RIGHT NOW...

# 3

(In a pontificol, grandiose voice): YOU CAN CALL HIM THE 'LYIN' KING' OR THE 'LOIN KING', TAKE YER CHOICE. BUT WE NEED THIS PRESIDENT, DAMMIT, IF ONLY CAUSE HE'S BROGHT MORE 'HAKUNA MATATA' TO THE AMURRICAN PEOPLE...

# 2

POOR CLINTON. THEY DONE MADE HIM ADMIT DURN NEAR EVERY PEVERSION UNDER THE SUN 'CEPT DRINKIN ZIMA.

# 1

THET OL' HENRY HYDE SCAIRES THE HELLOUT O'ME. IF TIP O'NEILL AND HUBERT HUMPHREY EVER HAD A LOVE CHILD, IT'D LOOK LIKE HIM.

(OK, there was realy eleven):

WHEN THE PRESIDENT DONE PROMISED TO KEEP TOBACKY OUT O'THE HANDS O'THE YOUTH, I SURE DIDN'T THINK HE WANTED INSTEAD TO STICK IT...STICK IT...WAAL, YOU KNOW WHAR...

We all finaly meet up