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The Late March 1998 Update

Page 3 of 7


It is a long ride, and if you get rush huor traffic and construction delays it can take allmost 4 hours. I am bored during the drive because the radio is busted and so somtines I eat candy. I was eating Jolly Ranchers and as you know if you bite down too hard they can stick to your teeth. Well my danm jaws were cemented closed and I strouggled too hard to free them and I forced too hard so I got a really bad charley horse in that muscle that I cant think of the name of it, but it is under your tounge. Ive had charly horse in my leg but never in my jaw. It hurt like bloody hell and i felt it with my hand and it was swolled the size of a plum.

I allmost got sidewipped by a truck cause i coudnt pay atention to the road. The Jolly Ranchors were watermellon flavor. Never again, withuot a Designated Driver.

Granfather was in rare form when I got home. Madison, Ripke and Blankenship, the three crypto zoologists were still there, having slept the night in their research van parked in the yard, and were still somwhat in a state of trauma. (Those arent their real names, but that is what I like to call them.)

Madison was now cursing and spitting and kicking a cottonwood stump and Ripke was shiverring under a blanket screamming "MOMMY!" while the othor guy who is normaly the most seasoned and subdued and is suposed to be the one in charge was layin sprawled in the clay dust tryin to fit the shotgun in his moulth and his big toe into the trigger; (I always hide the ammo when they are comming over).

I said to them, "Had enuogh yet, guys?" Granfather was hapilly sitting there on the porch landing conpletly buck nakad, with his scraggly furry and wiry hairy carcass covored with majic marker scrawls that they must of put on him during the day, watchin Wheel Of Fortune on the small portable TV set on his lap while screaming with that same limp and unlit cigar in his moulth, "YER OUT OF VOWELS: SOLVE THE DANM PUZZLE, SHERLOCK!"

I got the garden hose and spreyed all three of the scientists to snap them out of their trauma and told Blankenship (the one in charge) that if they coudnt handle themselfves they ought to either committ their efforts to studying regular normal creatuores like rabid gorillas, or mabye bigfoot, or else return the govorment grant money they'd received to study Granfather. Because if he grosses them out too much then all it is is a waste of evereyone's time. I know I was a little haughtey but I'd had a realy bad day. Plus my jaw still hurt.

I went in my room

I got on my e-mail and saw that those peoplle who I had met with a few weeks ago who paid me to come visit them in my last update were talking to their atterneys. Well i was talking to my lawyor too. He told me not to sign aneything till he looks at it. Imagine, a group of peoplle wanting to buy the 'right' to say that they are me. Like I said there are 5 of them, too. Alls i can say is that there are allot of sick peoplle out there. And most of them you can find on the internet. Or else they find you.

A messege from my brothor

I had wrote an e-mail to my brothor in California about a month ago to tell him that i had ran into Cathyann, our former babysitter on a blind date. Later that night my brothor called me up, and we reminissced about her. I always remembor that while I was a little afraid of her, (at that age, I was affraid of everything), he got along real good with her.

Well in this e-mail my brothor now tells me somthing that he forgot to tell me on the phone. It was probly not true, and it was probly kind of mean. (You must undorstand that while me and my dad are kind of shy and quiet my brothor is kind of a wiseass and in that respect he has a little bit of Granfather's saddistic sense of humor.)

Even thouhg he is my brother I dont beleive him

He told me that Cathyann had a chest at a very young age and that when he was 8 and she was 10 him and his freind Raymond paid her a dollor and 50 cents and she liftad up her shirt and she showed it to them behind the dumpster of the Feed store in town thats now a cappachino bar. I got so angrey at my brothor and I called him up and started screamin at him. Of cource my brothor started laughin his ass off. Then i hear my sister-In-Law in the backround and she is saying "tell him about Mom! There's a conection with mom -- Mom knows her too!" meaning my stepmother. And they both start luaghing more. I said what the HELL are you talking abuot. But they were both luaghing too hard that they didnt finish what they were goingto say about Mom. Then I slammed the phone down.

I used to get along with my brothor and sisterin Law but lately theres been strife. I have problems too: i am too sensittive. And so I let the insult go. Yet onley one thing remainned that was a mysterey to me: What did Cathy have to do with my stepmothor? Oh well i woud find out later.

The sceintists calmed down by supper time.

Today there had been a breakthruogh yet it was only a small breakthrohg. It had been determined due to a certain primate IQ test originaly developed for captive chimpanzees which is pefformed in conjunction with sevoral EEG exams that Granfather's small, rudementery hypothalamus of his brain was identical in nature to that of eithor a primitive lemur or else a not-very-intelligent modern-day pygmy marmoset. This was not THAT great a discovery, becuase you can just look at the guy and see how he acts to tell that he is somhow closely related to some sort of small monkey

Madison, one of the crypotzoologists told me that they woud consider what I told them earlior, about deciding that their research of Granfather has hit a dead end. He also told me that he had had this same convorsation with my Dad not long ago. One the one hand, examining the old freakshow spectacle was a unique experience but on the other it coud be so revolting it coud make you vomit. For exampol, Granfather has also been eating wierd things during his 'peculior time' like clay and library paste, and also that steel plumber's routing snake he was tryin to pass thruogh his gristly body was 48 feet long and a whole 30 feet of it was now INSIDE THE BASTORD.

Feeding Time

During Granfather's 'peculior time' each March and April, his feeding time can be a most dangerrous proposittion. Usually I, (or whoevor he is romanticaly involved with at the time), will chain him outside, and throw him some coldcuts and leave 2 fingers of whisky in his dog dish. Meanwhile the old animal monster was now suspiciousley eyeing a peice of Saucalito spiced ham that the othor researcher named Ripke was dangoling in front of his face in hopes of having Granfather eat from his hand. Do you remembor the scene in Dances With Wolfs when Kevin Costnor finaly gets the white wolf to take a peice of buffalo jerky from his hand and it is looking at him trembling and with its teeth gnashed and its ears flatenned? Well thats ecaxtly what he looked like. Madison started hollerin at him "RIPKE YOUR GONNA LOSE YOUR DANM HAND."

Granfather insists they stay to watch the Oscors

After supper it was into the research van parked in the yard where I helped them hoist the strouggling old beast onto the stainless steel exammination table. Do you know when you go to the vetinarian and your dog is scraiping and scratchin at the smooth metol surface with his claws because he knows hes abbout to get a hypodermic needle in the ass--well that was the old troll slippin and sliding on his hourny nails and talons. We were all wearin our rubbor gloves ecxept Blankenship who thinks hes hot stuff lateley, and dont you know when Granfather started to pee he got some on his hand. After the burns go away and the skin grows back I told him that there will be some squamous warts growin on that hand and they will never come off not even with a lazer. And you know what? its his own danm fualt.

"WILL YOU FELLERS PLEASE NAME A DISEASE AFTER ME? MEBBE A FATAL DISEASE? PLEASE? PURTY PLEASE?" he kept askin them. Why cant these stupid scientists just admit that he is a danm alien or an unexplained monstrosity or a demon come to life on earth and then just be done with it?

Oscor night.