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The Late March 1998 Update

Page 4 of 7


Later when we were back inside dressing Granfather the ghastly coot was in the worst kind of mood he can be in: Sociable. For him, there is no diffrence betwean social and sociopath. The bastord barked up, "LISSEN UP BOYS YOUR WATCHIN THE OSCARS WITH ME" and they were gripped with terrer cause at that point they desperattly wanted to leave. But he forced them to watch the WHOLE Oscors program--you know how long the show was.

And then he said to them, "I TELL YOU'ALL WHUT: EACH TIME 'TITANIC WINS ANOTHER OSCOR, ONE O'YALL'S GOT TO GIT UP OFF HIS ASS AN' GIT GRANPY A BEER."

And then he sat there drinking, smokking, spitting, yelling, cussing, belching, farting, blowin' his nose with one finger like the farmers do in the feild, and making all of his asociated messes splattor everywhere, and genorally makking a totol ass of himself the whole time. (It seems that all three of them will be gettin those incurable warts on allot of parts of there bodies).

Granfather does a pretty good Jack Nickolson voice and i was so sorry that Billy Cristol was making fun of Jack because Granfather picked up on it and kept hollering, "THE TRUTH IS, I AM A DANM ANIMAL: AND YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH."

Othor things Granfather yammored on about includded how he thuoght Helen Hunt was "lookin too danm skinny", how Gloria Stuart coudnt of been wearing the big blue diamond arround her neck because "Billy Zane done left it in the safe;" (Please dont get me started on how my iddiotic ancestror coudnt follow the Titanic plot line, and also how, "I FINALLY FIGGERED OUT WHO MINNY DRIVER REMINDS ME OF: ONE O'THEM LIZERDS WHICH DURING THE SUPERBOWL DONE BLOWED UP 'BUD', 'WEIS' AND 'ER'."

Finaly aftor all this time, Granfather has to crap. We all four hustle the him into the bathroom but once agian it is a false alarm. "TRY CRANKIN THE ROUTER!" Granfather screammed, in hopes that the plumbing routor in his mouth woud break things up and Ripke and Madison actualy wanted to do it. I started cryin and begged them not to. I didnt want his livor or somthin to get snagged and cut. I hate his danm guts but he still is my Granfather.

It took him hour for the whole load to come out, and many, many rubber gloves. Blankenship sugested that next time Granfather goes two weeks withuot a bowol movement that both me and him sign up for classes in La Maze.

Finaly, after the last Oscor was awarded, Granfather alowed them to sneak out. He was grinning at them like a Moray eel. You may of noticed that my atitude toword the cryptozologists in this update has not been very charitible. This is because over the last few months they prescribbed a whole lot of this ridiculuos "wellness foods" for Granfather. And letme tell you soy milk and dried kale and stuff like are things which he does NOT need. Especialy in a cramped trailer.

I have been doing somthing bad lately

Yes springtime and nice weathor effects me too. I am having probloms getting over some of my insecurrities, especialy the rommatic feelings of love that i have for my former counselor. It seems i am mistakenly running into her here and there in town, like at the farm stand, and also at the car dealorship (where she is buying a car), and once or twice (3 times since Christmas actualy) at the beuty parlor where she gets her hair done. All of these acidental times I run into her keep reminding me that I love her and it is very painful. And i know i am not suposed to keep liking her, but it is hard.

My curent counselor who i am in therappy with told me that i HAVE to get ovor her, and until i do, there probly will not be allot of strides in maturity in my life. Allright, I admit it: It was not by acident that I saw her gettin her hair cut 3 times and also at the car dealership. I went in on purpoce to make it look like an acident because I saw her car parked there when I go into town every Saturrday to pick up Granfather's adult diapers and boil medicine.

Anyway me and my curent counselor (not my former counciler, who I am in love with), got into an argument and I have bailed out of my last three sessions with her. Part of the court settlement that was suposed to allow me to make restitution for the bad things I did specified that i had to remain in therappy. (A few years ago I ran up ilegal debts that my family had to pay for, and also I stole money belonging to family members includding Granfather -- and to stay out of prison not only do I have to stay in therappy i have to take care of the old bastord as his Court Apointed Home Care Providder.).

So, after I missed my sessions, my current counselor called my Dad in Califonria, and Dad sent me an e-mail where I coud tell that he was VERY pissed, saying that I HAD to go back, and also I have to at least make an effert to STOP liking the other counselor.

But instaed i did just the opposite. The othor day it was my former counselor's birthday and so i sent her a dozen flowors anonymuously. This is a small town so word got back to her that it was ME who sent them. So me and her went out for a cup of cofee and she had to explain to me in a nice way that she is 14 years older than me and also she has a boyfreind. I started crying a little and peoplle in the restuarant saw. I know, this is not a new problem in my life and Ive been struoggling for a long time.

"JUST KEEP IT UP, BOY," said Granfather, when he found out abbout it. He was mocking me. He told me that he hopes that the Courts find me in contenmpt, and that i am sentanced to jail time. And that I have to share a cell with some weird hillbilly moonshiner named eithor "Floyd" or "Du Wayne" who acts like the creepey guy in the film Deliverence who said "HE GOT A PURTY MOUTH."

Othor ways Granfather makes my life misorable

Now that Granfather was 'cleaned out' from having been constippated for a few weeks he proceaded to eat everrything in the whole trailer ovor the next 36 hours to refill his yearning hungry crocadilian gullet. We had some old disgousting yams in a heavy syrup that expired in 1990 and they were way in the back of the cubboard and I didnt even know they were there but he found them and ate 4 whole cans. We had a sack of onions that got mushey and black and blue and he also ate these plus some anceint frozen meat in the freezer that all kind of icy fur was growing on it. Also a frozon ham that i swear i saw for the first time when i was visiting and i was abuot 8 years old. This he thawwed out before consuming. It was so rancid i cant tell you. Plus you know when ham has a rainbow on it how gross that is. Woo! I just got a cold shivering willy up my spine. And finally: The dairy.There is nothing more repplusive than rotted yogurt, puetrid creamcheeze and milk gone bad. Granfather knows that cramps and gas will result but does that stop him? Hell no.

When it was time for him to go to the bathroom agian, i did not have the three scientists there to assist.

My family does not beleive me