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Say what you want. But you cant say we dont try.

The Late March 1998 Update

Page 7 of 7


This was the worst of all. i think she planned this to happan. Before i knew it i was on the floor and she belleyflopped on top of me and I gasped for air and she pinned me with the big hammy heels of her hands on my shouldors and that was the end of it. And when you gasp you usualy have to open your moulth just a little and I wont go into detail of The Tuonge. Exept to say I felt like somone was tryin to aspirate me with a big wide long fat thick remnant strip of that shiny and somwhat greasy-to-the-touch black foamy neoprene stuff thats atached to the bottom of indoor-outdoor carpet. I swear i felt it way down in my chest, posibly looped arround my breastbone, cutting off the poulminary artery, and sureley peircing the fragile outer cover of the pericardium.

And also i will admit that in light of Granfathor's trick with the plumbing routor, I have a new respect for the old bastord and his disgusting abillities.

Speaking of Granfather

I never thuoght i woud be so happy as to incur the painfull blows of abbuse from the gnarled hand of Granfather. I often write on how he likes to beat me with a teaspoon that he carreys in his shirt pocket. Well I was gettin the teaspoun all over my skinny legs which were flailing about and tryin to free the rest of me out from undor the lustful bulk, groping mouth, and plungingley triumphent lingual organ of my former babysitter.

"GIT OFF HER, BOY!"

Meanwile, SHE was the one who had to get off ME.

Granfather screamed and he grabbed at me with his monstruosly strong yet extremly skinny bonelike hairey ape arms and tore us to sepperation. A hiddeous string of drool linked us as me and Cathyanns mouths were rent apart. I posibly mabye blacked out from lack of oxygen. The next thing I knew was that the bastord was tugging at my ear with one hand and slappin me with the othor.

"YOU DANM PERVERT!" he screammed at me. "DID HE HURT YOU, MISSY? SHOUD I CALL THE SHERIFF TO TOSS THIS HERE PERVERT IN THE POKEY?" Cathy had to tell the bastord that what was going on was consensuol or else I am sure he woud of killed me. So she thuoght -- the fact is, that Granfather KNEW all along what was goin on, beccause I had told him in the past how Cathyann had mauled me. But Granfather played dumb just cause he wantad an excuse to slap me arround. It is because he is a saddistic bastord.

Later on things settled down and me and Granfather and Cathyann and Junior (who had drove the old basterd home after he got throwed out of the Senior Center for causing a ruckus) all sat in my room eating popcorn and havin hot chocollate watchin the CBS speciel where you vote for the figuore skaters on Excite.com. No one had a good time because of Granfathers asinine coments thruoghout the whole danm thing.

At one point I went in the kitchon to get more food and the old sideshow curiosity folowwed me in.

"SO," he said to me with a lecherrous leer, "JEST HOW LUCKY DID YOU GIT WITH THAT GAL?" I treid to explian to him that I did NOT aprove of what was going on and the next thing you know his trusty 1964 Hemmisfair Teaspoon was in his hand and he is beatin the crap out of me for being a "liar."

After submiting to a few whacks Granfather wheeled about to trundol back into the room mutterin undor his breath, "YOURE A DAMN FOOL FER TRYIN TO MANEUVER EVERY WHICH SENSUOL WAY WITH SUCH A LARGE WOMAN. SPARE, SKINNY ASS BOY LIKE YOU COUD GIT HISSELF CRUSHED TO DEATH."

Later when i was walkin Cathyann to her car I remebered I wanted to ask her somthing. I asked if she by any chance knew what my brothor and sister in law coud of possibly been talking about when they mentioned the conection between herself and my stepmothor. And her big wide face lights up and she says "OH, YEAH!"

Unfortunnatly its a small world.

What is the bigest city in the world? Is it Tokyo or perhaps Shanghei? Anyway THAT is where I want to move. Becuase this small town is just too small for me. Not only can a person not place a personols ad without getting his former babysittor answoring it. But you cannot even find a former babbysitter who is not rellated to your own stepmothor.

Yes Cathyann's father is a fourth cousin of my stepmom. They even had the same last name. She luaghed in her loud raspy deep chortle and said to me "Walter that means we're kissing cousins!"

Oh crap!! We are rellated!

As soon as she drove off i ran into the toilat to barf. Granfather came in and poked me in the ribs as I blew bisque and said, "WHUT'RE YOU YAKKIN' ON THET BIG WHITE PHONE FOR?"

And i said to him, "Did you hear what me and Cathyann were talkin abbout outside?" and he said NO.

I did not want to tell him that the thuoght of kissing a COUSIN was so uttorly repulsive that it caused me to vommit.

So i THUOGHT he didnt hear us talking: He really DID.

The next morning I hear Granfather on the phone cackling and luaghing his ass off. After he hangs up he says to me that somone just sent me a zipped up sound file in my e-mail that I oughto download and then listen to.

It was 671,000 bytes

Have you evor heard the theme song to the old Patty Duke Show from the 1950s? It is an old TV show in black and white. Patti Duke played two peopple: regular Patty and her cousin Cathy. Each year the network wrote annothor theme song. The version that I know best from watching the show on Nickolodeon begins, "Cathy adores a minuet.." and a crepe suzzette."

Well, just as the sound file begins to launch on my MIDI player, the cruel bastord wheeled up to the doorway of my room to sing along with it -- it was a version of the Patty Duke theme which was recorded by my mean brother and his equaly mean wife only a few hours beffore:

Cathy adores a fond embrace
And tonsil-knocking, sucking face
But Walter only has the care
To fight her back and gasp for air
What a wild pair!

Cause they're COUSINS!
Identical cousins and youll find,
They look alike,
They talk alike,
While one repels the bump and grind,
Will he lose his mind?
When cousins...are two of a kind!

Cathy adores a minuet
And kissing like a tourniquet
But Walt fights with tenacity
A fleshy tracheotomy
What a wild duet!

Cause they're COUSINS!
Identical cousins and you'll find,
They hug alike,
They kiss alike,
Their lips synched in a gluey bind
Will she smooch him blind?
When cousins...are two of a kind!

Yes, all along, Granfather WAS listenning to me and Cathy on the porch. And shortly aftor I'd barfed myself to sleep, the bastord called my brothor up and helped him and my sisterinlaw compose the song.

Also, in his bizzarre mentally twisted sick mind, Granfather has all of the lyrics to all of the versions of the Patty Duke Show memmorized. In the real Patty Duke show one of the lines goes, "A Hot Dog Makes Her Lose Control." Billy Cristol also refers to this unusuol lyric in the film Mr. Saturday Night.

The old bastord has alwayes said from the time i was a little kid to both me and my brothor that if we evor meet a girl where a hot dog makkes her lose controle to mak sure you can get her to go out with you no mattor how ugly she might be.

I told Granfather i was BOILING mad at him

After all kising a cousin on the mouth is NOTHIN to luagh about. He said to me, "CALM DOWN, BOY. IT AIN'T INCEST."

"YER STEPMOTHER AIN'T EVEN BLOOD KIN. B'SIDES, FOURTH COUSIN AIN'T EVEN REALLY RELATED.

"NOW, IF YOU WANT TO TALK REAL INCEST, WHY LEMME TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME..."

...and then I cut him off while he was speakking because I did NOT want to hear it.

You know what? I cannot talk abuot anything anymore, atleast not now.

* * * THE END of the Late March Updatte * * *

Also, I have to go and get the stun gun becuase right now this very minnute i am trying to keep the bastord under controll because the Kentuckey -Utah game is on, and he keeps throwin things at the TV set and screammin at me "WHY'S KENTUCKY'S COACH NAMED 'TUBBY' WHEN UTAH'S COACH IS TEN TIMES FATTER?" Please tune in arround the 2nd week of April for my April 1998 update. Yes, the new schedoule seems to be evolving into the 2nd week of the month for the first upddate and the 4th week for the Late Month Update. Also i deepley appollogize for not getting the Links of the Day section and the Wedgie Page updated. I know all my readors want it. I will try to make time to update them too one of these days.

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