The
Resume
of
Walter Miller's
Grandfather

CONTACT INFORMATION

Name: Mr. (Walter Miller's Grandfather)
Address: Make a Right Off The Rural
Route Westbound Onto a Dirt Track,
Undisclosed location,
Texas, U.S.A.
Phone: (Unlisted)
E-Mail: (none of your damn business)

OBJECTIVE: To Pursue a Goal Oriented Career Which Maximizes My Potential of Continuing A Lifetime Of Not Doing A Blessed Thing While Sitting On My Skinny Ass.

HOBBIES: Collecting Junk, Watching Television, Chewing/Smoking Tobacco, Downloading Pornography off the Internet.

SKILLS: WordPerfect 5.0, HTML, MS Excel, Adult-Check. Can hack 'Net Nanny'. Can Belch the Entire Roman Alphabet.

EDUCATION: Negligible; (possesses several forged early 1980s era mail-order diplomas signed by Sally Struthers.)

AGE: Sixty-something

SEX: When I Can Get It

HEALTH: Excellent

WORK EXPERIENCE:

(Note: Periods of vagrancy and incarceration are not listed)

c. 1939 - c. 1946
EMPLOYER: (Various)
POSITION: Itinerate Sharecropper, (tobacco/cotton)
JOB DESCRIPTION: General farm work

Reason for Leaving Job(s): Terminated for various reasons; (Unprofessional attitude toward other sharecroppers; Inappropriate workplace behavior; Kept eating cotton and smoking tobacco crop; Blamed for several unexplained homicides in the area.)

c. 1940 - 1949
EMPLOYER: (Various)
POSITION: Associate Circus Sideshow Spectacle, (later promoted to Senior Circus Sideshow Spectacle.)
JOB DESCRIPTION: Bit heads off live chickens in traveling circuses appearing in small towns from Missouri to Arizona, and in Mexico. Also billed as "Southwest's Ugliest Teen-Ager."

Reason for Leaving Job: Terminated for various reasons, despite increase in sideshow receipts; (Lack of serious approach to sideshow duties; Poor work attitude, Inappropriate behavior toward co-workers; generally disruptive. Sadistic horseplay, and theft. Also subsequently banned from many jurisdictions due to humanitarian concerns.)

July 1947 - September 1947
EMPLOYER: (Classified)
LOCATION: Roswell, New Mexico, and Zeta Reticuli Star Federation, Orion Galaxy.
POSITION: Participated in Inter-Planetary Zoological Exchange Program
TITLE: Exhibit, Second Class

Reason for Leaving Job: Terminated for various reasons: (Inappropriate behavior toward female aliens and other zoological exhibits; Returned to earth on the request of Zeta Department of Toxic Disposal.)

June 1950 - January 1954
EMPLOYER: United States Armed Forces
LOCATION: USA, Korea, Japan, Guam, other Pacific installations
RANK: Private 1st Class
TITLE: Secret Chemical Weapon, (Later promoted to Covert Chemical Weapon.)

Reason for Leaving Job: Terminated for various reasons: (Insubordination; laziness and cowardice; Natural bodily chemical properties were found to have been in violation of international treaties; Dishonorably Discharged.)

June 1954 - July 1955
EMPLOYER: United States Government, Alexandria, VA.
POSITION: Prone.
TITLE: Biological Specimen, (later promoted to Biological Anomaly).
JOB DESCRIPTION: Unconsciously packed for 13 months in a comatose state of suspended animation in a large wooden crate along with a mixture of vermiculite, powdered charcoal and salt, and stored in the basement of the Pentagon's 'Raiders Of The Lost Ark' Storage Room.

Reason for Leaving Job: Bad odor, leading to denigration of other artifacts; revived, and then once again Dishonorably Discharged.

September 1955 - October 1955
EMPLOYER: Juan's Reptile World, Asuncion, Paraguay.
TITLE: Alligator/Caiman Wrestler
Reason for Leaving Job: Terminated for various reasons: (Kept killing alligators. Later killed Juan, and his brother Pedro, supposedly in self-defense; reports that parts of Pedro were consumed are unsubstiated; Escaped into Paraguay's remote Chaco region, captured by mercenaries, and turned over to the U.S. Government for an undisclosed fee).

November 1955 - July 1956
EMPLOYER: Naval Office of Extraterrestrial Herpetological Phenomena, (Now part of the U.S. Department of Agriculture).
LOCATION: Secret Groom Lake Air Base, Area 51, Nevada.
TITLE: Human Anomalous Life Form, (Later demoted to Semi-Human Anomalous Life Form, and demoted again Non-Human Anomalous Life Form; Despite demotions, salary increased incrementally with each personnel change.)
POSITION: Fetal.
JOB DESCRIPTION: Unconsciously packed in a comatose state of suspended animation in a large plastic jar of liquid nutrient, and labeled 'Purity Control.'

Reason for Leaving Job: Voluntary forfeiture of position. (Upon learning of his existence, an official order issued by President Eisenhower declared "Have it destroyed." Rather than face this fate, escaped into the desert, and later presumed dead.)

December 1961 - August 1962
EMPLOYER: United States Armed Forces
POSITION: Documentary Film Actor, (civilian).
JOB DESCRIPTION: Appeared in a wide variety of instructional military films; Subjects ranged from Venereal Disease Prevention to Post-Nuclear Apocalyptic Survival.

Reason for Leaving Job: Terminated; (Refusal to bathe, resulting in chronic de-emulsification of silver compounds and pigments and general damage to celluloid film due to offensive odor of subject.)

August 1962 - present
Unemployed junk collector, living on a Government stipend; beggar, scammer and con-man; (Was fortunate enough to purchase Tandy stock at under a $1 a share in 1970, and Microsoft stock in 1986 for not much more.)

AWARDS/ACHIEVEMENTS: Reputedly the first person in the State of Texas, (and the youngest ever) to be terminated for sexual harassment, c. 1940.

REFERENCES: Are you frikkin kidding!!!??


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