Walter Miller's Homepage

Amazing, but true: you are reading one of the longest lasting webisodes of all time.

Late Late-Augost 1997 Update

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Falling Behind

The abbove itallocized headline refers not only to what happens when Granfathers preponderously flabby-assed old disgusting girlfriend is viewed from the rear while she is facing in the oposite direction and removes her girdle without closing the danm bathroom door first so I am forced to see it while walking past--but it also describes me in regard to geting my work done on time.

I got a few compliants abbout my Mid-July 97 and Aogust 97 hompage updates going up at the same time. And now THIS update is late too. I appollogize for this. When you have to take care of an evil abusive relation and atend to his every whim, (no matter how stomoch turningly reppulsive those whims can be), your personal schedoule of things you WANT to do can be delayed. Most of my readers didnt care very much that I lumped the 2 updates togethor, and just chalked it up to the quirkey nature of my life.

Howevor some people were upset and to them I do profuseley apologise.

This curent update is late because my system crashed.

I PROMISE my readers i will make it up to them. I know you are recieving my writing for free. My homepage is written mostly as a labor of love, (and somtimes a labor of dislike if you cant tell by now). YES Ive been a major wuss. I shoud of bought my new system sooner.

I am a people pleasor

This is what my therapist tells me. Seeking approval of othors is a pattern in my life.
But even still...
...there is a reading audience of milions out there who have come to expect to read abbout the old bastord in a regulorly updated, timely manor. And I am sorry to you all for letting you down. In adition to system crasches Ive ben havvin allot of personol problems in my life. Many have encuoroged me, like Mary Kilroy, Harvey, Patti and Walter Miller (not me--but annother guy named Walter Miller; life is weird isnt it), and also my stepmom.

Othor features that are ammiss

Yes othor things are late too. Specificly, stuff that Ive promised, including More Top 10 lists, more tv show spoofs, a Summer Wedgie Page update, and other mediocre quality toilet humor sites youve come to know and love on these pages

This is a pattorn in my life

I ofton bite off more than I can chew, and agree on too much befforehand without folowing through projects to conpletion. It is a sign of immatturity and a loud wake-up call that i must GROW UP and I am working on it. However it is hard to be mature when the main role model in your life hapens to beleive that quality entertainment consists of hurling the contents of the bedpan out the window in ordor to hit the bug zapper.

How the California trip winded up

We are back in Texas now. As you know there was a terible scene at a motel where Granfathor was cought with the older sister of his steady girlfreind. Well his girlfreind split up with him for good.
Sneaky two-timing old bastord: Thats the only way to describe him.
Behind her flabby, Michelin Man-like, waffly, and beuty-mark forrested back, Granfather snuck around and cheated on his girlfreind. It all began sevoral months ago when he cultivated a e-mail relationship with her older sister, who becuase of a deep voice, reggulation haircut and stiff military demeaner is afectionetly known as 'THE COLONEL'. As sometimes hapens, this plattonic e-mail freindship blosommed into a secret romance. (And anyone havin a roamance with either Granfathor OR The Cornol woud sure has hell want to keep it SECRET).

Acording to Granfather's "oficial" excuse, it began innocentley enough as a means to discuss there inpending lawsuit and perhaps try to settle out of court. But one thing descended into annother and before you know it granfather was praying on the poor womon's lonliness and vulnorabilities.

"IT STARTED OUT BIZNESS LIKE, I SWEARS IT," he said to me later on. "BUT YOU KNOW THEM A.O.L. CHATROOMS. YUH CAIN'T HELP BUT BE THINKIN' O'LOVE WHEN YER IN THERE WITH A WOMON ALONE.

I said, "Granfather you have to control yourself" and he said to me "I TELL YUH WHUT BOY, ITS A GOLDANG MEAT MARKET IN THAR."

Thats to hear HIS side of the mattor. But the more likely scennario is that he used his slick reptilian charm to worm his way into her heart like WD-40 on an old rusted lock.

Oh I TELL you.
For a remarkably ugly, ofensive man with poor hygeine, bad table manors, the interpersonol comunication skills of a junkyard tomcat, a man whom spits when he talks, has the morols of a starved leech and who smells like the ass of a Kodiak Brown grizzly who is acidentally being fed a diet of Extra Dairy rich monkey chow instead of bear chow from some zookeeper by mistake becuase he dosent know English enuogh to read the label on the bag, granfather DOES have a way with womon.

(Never any atractive women mind you, but females nontheless.)

Annatomy of a secret fling