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"PARDEN ME. 'Y'ALL GOT ANY GREY POUPON?"
-- Granfather, undor arrest in 1993, bound, gagged and manacoled with his belly on the pavement aftor a 50 mile police chase, and speaking into the camera in an exerpt from 'Real Stories Of The Hihgway Patrol' that never aired for ovbious reasons.
Late Late-Augost 1997 Update
Page 7 of 7
My brother woud have to be the decider.
He was just standing there sort of frozon which was realy weird becuase
he is the type to know exactly what he wants to do. But he was torn
beween the serendipitously fortuitous oportunity of witnessing the death
of the evil beast whose guts he ferventley hates, and the posibility of
being an acessory of murder.
The three of us flailed our arms at each other, either to open the couch to
free Granfather, or to prevent the other from saving him. We all screamed
while my brother was silent, his big strong arms holding all 3 of our wrists, his normaly descisive eyes quickley darting in terror between me, the old hag and his wife as he searched his heart to weigh the optoins and to determine fast what to do. Granfathers wails and sobs of pure agoney drifted out from deep within. My sister in law said to my brother: "Hes almost probly almost dead. We can blame the old bitch." The shame of this for me to hear plus
bearing the loud tension of the whole ordeal made this probly one of the 3 or 4 most upsetting days of my whole life. I used to like my sister inlaw but NO MORE.
In a moment we all regained our composure and me and my brother pulled at the couch to try to free Granfather. BUT IT WOUD NOT BUDGE. My sister inlaw ran in the back bedroom with the kid, and sometime while no one noticed, the old flabby hoe snuck her wobbly ass OUT of there just in time cause i tell you, i dont know what I woud of done to her if she stayed.
where theres smoke theres fire
All of a suddon we started to smell burning fabric. There was a small exploasion from deep within like a cherry bomb thrown down an abbandoned well shaft and there on the top of the couch we heard a loud POW! and stuffing and foam flew everywhere. Then in the next minute yellow flames belched and black smouldering ash and brown smoke billowed from a fist-sized hole at the top of the couch. We later found out what hapenned was that Granfather made a giant fart and was fourtunate enuogh to be holding his Bic lightor in his hand upon the moment of entrapment. He flicked the flint wheel with his clawlike thumb just as he let a mean one rip.
If you know anything abbout lighting farts (and i DO from observing Granfather), normolly it woud just flaire out. But the constraints of his neoprene poly-shell prison was suficient to cause a minor conflaggoratory discharge.
Burn baby BURN: Disco infernoe.My brothor did NOT want the smoke alarm or sprinklor going off in his house. He yelled "Get him outside!" and insisted we drag the couch out on the balcony.
Then somthing extremely terrible hapenned.
CRASHMy brother blames me but he is much strongor and pushed harder. There are no wheels on this couch but we forgot that the balconey area outside my brothers front door is a smooth concreate slab. Granfather is not alloud to chew tobacco in the apartmant but the guest room window ovorlooked the balcony and for 2 weeks the old bastord was sqiurting tobacco juice and also all type of awful slippory mucus out the window. There was allot of it on the balcony and my brothers nextdoor nieghbor slipped and broke her ass on it only the day before. So anyway to make a long story short the foldout couch (with GRANFATHER IN IT) slid on the balconey like a watormelon seed on ice with KY jelley on it and broke thruogh the wrought iron railing and CRASHED ON END three stories straite down to the parkin lot. I grew up in California and was right near a 4.0 earthqauke once and this was worse.
We call Dad
My brothor finaly breaks down and calls Dad on his cellphone. He didnt get on the plane yet. Alls he was told was that there was some sort of 'acident' involving Granfather. He says that him and my stepmom will take a later flight and take a taxi right over. Dad sounded REAL pissed. Meanwhile me and my brother got a hand truck and Raul, the man next door whose very strong helped us bring the couch back up to my brothers apartmant on the 3rd floor. At least it was half the size it once was. It was abbout the size of a washing machene and the impact atleast freed up some of the large chunks of matress and pillows.
Granfather (screamed and hollared for the first 2 flights up till my brothor said "SHUT THE HELL UP GRANPY!!" (and again, the word 'hell' was NOT used) and by the time we were squeezin him in the door we heard granfather mutering that about now he is gointo miss Wheel of Fortune College Week, coud we please move our asses a little FASTER. Ive said it beffore he is a SICK bastord.
Then we got to work strippin the upuolstrey off of the couch with boxcuttors and a serrated stake knife to try to free the old nasty creature. We did NOT want dad to see what hapenned. Granfather's reaction supprized me.
"YOU-UNS LEAVE ME WHERE I AM, DANM YOU!"
As we strugolled to free him, Granps screamed and hollered in violant angor that we LEAVE him exactly the way he was. "I WANT YER PAW TO SEE WHUT Y'AWL DONE TO ME" he shreiked. I said
"Granfather i did NOT do this" and i explained that his fishfaced old consort did. And he hollored back that the the whole family hates him.
Well THATs for danm sure......But its also beside the point. Granfather loves to blame othors for his problems and this is just the latest.
Dad arrivesHe was extremly angry when him and my stepmom came in the door. By that time all the cloth was off the
couch and there was just a few clumps of fluffy, clotty stuff left in
the steel skelleton of the couch. There was no longer any issue of gettin him out or leaving him in, because:
He was really realy REALY stuckGranfather was laying on his back twisted into an arched back position. The old monstrous beast was entwined in the tubes and coils of hardware like a living, evil pretzel. His heaving, distended rib cage was the highest point, and his head and neck flopped backwords so he looked at you upside down; the very top of his head was perpondiculor to floor, and almost brushed the ground. One leg was contourted most painful looking onto his chest with his kneecap actualy under his armpit. The other leg was corled beneath him, and other than his neck, (and his thumb and fourfinger which held the Bic lighter), this one foot from the ankle down was the ONLY part of his body he coud move. The large toe of
that one foot was the only part of him that touched the ground.
Blood and impailementsIt was an older couch mabye from the
1930s so there was allot of extra hardware in there. Plus the TV tray
was on his lap when it closed and also his alunimum walker was leaned
aginst the bed, and all of this was callapsed in there with him, and crunched in when the couch fell 35 feet in a dead fall. Twisted wreckage and entwined metol bars, springs and piping encircled him as if in a vice. At one point, his wirey torso was held fast in a space just 3 inches in thickness, and it dug into his sallow leathery horselike hide, making gouges in his thick, scaily, anceint, brownish orange, stale hotdog colored skin. I have nevor seen the old bastord so uttorly restrained. And yet he insisted on remaining where he was.
What goes around comes aruond
Just hours beffore, Granfather had tryed to scar my face with permonant burns from a molten hot Lean Cuisene hatefully hourtled at me; as rettribbution, his own portable travel waffol iron, which was sitting there on the TV tray with him, had been colapsed and pressed with him in his metallic prison, indelibly branding HIS face, on forehead, hatchet nose and sunken cheek with a waffle patterned check design, reminiscent of an exact, precise, inalterable and unerrasabley sizzled-in version of the Ralston Purrina checkerboard logo. The doctor says he will wear this scar for life. And it served the old bastord right.
Granfather cleared his throught and demmanded a cigarrete. Then he said:
"DONT TOUCH ME. I SAID DONT TOUCH ME. THIS HERE IS EVVY-DENCE OF YOUR-ALL ELDER ABUSE OF ME, AND I'M SUING EVERYONE'S DANM ASS IN THIS ROOM.
Includeing poor Raul my brothor's poor nieghbor who all he did was help us out.
There is allot more that hapenned. And rather than delay my readers any more:
I will end this update here
Yes, and I PROMISE that by TEUSDAY Sept 9th my SEPTEMBOR 1997 UPDATE will be up. There will probly (hopefuly) be some news and updaites about my personal CAREER options as well by that time. i appologize again and will strive for 2 regulor updates a month.