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"It's like Saturday Night Live. It's so bad, it will never be cancelled."
--Chris Stamper, on Walter Miller's Home Page.

sEPTEMBER 1997 Update

Page 6 of 6


Granfather finaly realized that in his entrapped and pretzel-like condition there were certian things he was not goingto be able to do: Namely FOOLIN ARROUND with womon. That night i am awoke to the sound of rattling metal as the rickety contraption with a beast stuck in the middol of it rolled into my room, propelled along by the bastord's one free toe. He kept sayin, 'WAKE UP, BOY, WAKE UP!!'

He wrinkoled his butt-ugly frowning face at me, (which oddley, in the moonlight, and being that it was upside down, looked eerily like it was a smile.) We had an almost pleasant convorsation. He exclusively called me 'BOY' instead of 'YUH LIL' WUSSIE' which is normol for him when no one's around.

Granfather was concerned that his 'needs' werent goingto be met. He started pestering me to log him onto the net so he coud 'make some conections' is how he put it. "THEM NASTY CHATROOMS DONT DO IT FER ME: I NEEDS ME A NON-DIGITOL DAME. KNOW WHUT I MEAN, BOY?"

I said it was too late and to get some sleep.

But finaly he started this ramboling conspiracey tirade

If theres one thing that gets Granfather going its his incohhearant babbling on the latest conspirocy theorey. This time it was from some mysterrious freind of his who sent him an e-mail abbout how the diferent numbers on the wrappors of various flavers of Starburst candy had some sort of signifocence, posibly as far up as the New World Order.

So to shut up the old fool I wheeled him on his castors into the other room and jacked my laptop into the wall, and slid it under his gnarley multipurpose disgusting toe. The laptop has one of those touch activatted membraines.

The toe worked just fine on the touch-activaited membrane. There are many parts of the body that will. (I will not say ALL of them that i know of, but i will say that i have this knowlege NOT from personol expereince, JUST from obsorvation--unwilling obsorvatoin.)

Geuss who gets in touch

The next day, of all people, who but The Colonol sends me an e-mail. It was time stamped at 6:15 AM, (probly just past revillie), so I call around 10. We were on the phone 2 hours. She wants me to meet with her to talk abbout the whole thing. I have descided that The Corlonel is esentially a good person, but just has problems in her life just like the rest of us.

We have no car now, (Granps sold the Dart after we got The Cornol's car, and as you know, the Cornol's sister took the car), so I figoured i coud have Junior drive me halfway to meet her, sort of like he did for when she used to meet Granfather. But instead, she said that she was coming down to our part of the state, and coud actually meet us right in our county.

Boy you shoud of seen the danm dirty looks on Junior's face when he drove me into town. But I told him: I was NOT seeing The Colonol for the same purposes that the old bastord did.

We met at the diner and i noticed she had a some bad scraipes on her already martial, warlike face. Granfather had been growing a 'soul patch', one of those tiny goatee things undor his lower lip. She told me that it was very bristley and while they were smooching this is what happens. Boy aftor hearing THAT i did all i coud not to just yak my food up at the table.

"Granpy's a tough man to love" she said. Also she said that his stink is realy too much for her--HER, of all people, whose military backround was in sulfur-based chemicol weapons. She said that Granfather's intence odor was puttin a strain on the relatonship. Do you remembor i wrote abbout that pitbull she had in her house that almost killed me Christmas Eve? Well the Cornol told me that she and Granfather went to Dennys for breakfest once during one of their trysts and after he'd scarfed down four diferent egg specials, they returned to her home, he laid one fart, and the dog had to be put down.

"One fart, Walter," she said to me in her stern, deep comanding voice. "Not a series of them over a week: Just one, and it was lights-out and Taps for Buster." She didnt have to tell ME.

The reason she wanted to see me

The colonel pulled out a photo postcard of her sister, granfather's wayword girlfreind. It was stamped from Mexico, and there was a pictoure of her wearin a large plastic sombreroe in front of that beutiful '75 Impala that she ran off in. She had her arm arround a few handsom mariachi guys, and written on it was: "Sayonara, Senoritta." Im pretty sure that means 'Good Night Ladeis' in Spanish.

The Colonel said that her old hag youngor sister had some bellongings at our trailer and that if she took them with her, then perhaps she might be able to use them to lure her back to Texas. The Cornol said that if we agreed not to press charges for atempted murder agianst her sistor, she woud drop all charges agianst Granfather--charges that she really didnt all entireley drop in the first place.

I take a risk

I agreed to the Colonols terms, or atleast to comunicate them to our family. I offored to have her drive me home and then i will pack up the old girlfreinds stuff. i hoped that a scene woudnt be made, and i was right.

A calm scene

As we drove up there was a car in front of the trailor. There was a bumpor stickor on the car which said:

DO IT IN A CHAT ROOM

..and there was a heart on eithor side of it. If you thuoght i wanted to puke just then, i felt even worse when i walked into the trailor.

Granfather's 'guest' was sittin there at the cofee table holding a cup of tea from my deceased grandmother's best china set in her hand with her pinkey stuck out in a most lady-like way. The old bastord was in his regulor position, back arched, upsidedown, with a teacup sitting on the floor just below his ugly face with him daintilly lapping at it with his prehensile reptilian tounge. Somehow (who the hell KNOWS how), his hair was somwhat combed, his best western shirt was on, (allbeit backwords), and the ovorwhelming smell of Old Spice filled the area of the room he was in.

granfather's date was spectaculorly ugly and scary.
I wont go into excriuciating detail. It was definitly female. But just immagine if you will a cross between the spooky guy from Milennium, and the ax murderous stage hand from the Jay Leno show.

An awkword meeting

Do you know how it is when theres a rommantic breakup, how unconfortable that feels when a NEW LOVE is there? Well thats what it was like--even thuogh this was more like a first date. The Cornol looked at him first, then nodded stiffly at the guest, and then back at the old bastord, and said in a cool tone: "Granpy."

He nodded back, politely, and said, "COLONEL."

Then me & the Colonel headed for Granps bedroom to get her sister's things. From the other room I heard Granfather feed some syrupy line of crap to this othor woman, which i coud just not believe the nerve of the man:

"LIKE I WAS SAYING: THIS HERE WAR WOUND IS MORE INTRUSIVE THAN MOST, AN' CONTAINS CERTAINLY ALLOT MORE THAN AVERAGE SHRAPNEL, AS YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE. BUT THERE'S STILL A HARD LOVVIN' MAN LOCKED IN HERE..."

This was perfect timing becuase the Cornol was able to get all the stuff she needed without Granfather gettin up to make a scene.

BUT AFTORWARD HE DID--OH BOY HE DID.

Yes Granfather made a horroble angry scene. I will end the update here--hopefully arround Setpember 19th or thearabbouts ill have my Mid-Septembor update up.

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