Yes, Walter's Hompage indeed: FINALY, what the internet was invented for.
Page 7 of 7
The folowing week began OK. Granfather spent most of the time on the web and also watching cable TV trying to come up with ideas that pressented himself as sympathetic with Animal Rights causes. He latched onto an evil idea: He had seen on the Fox News website a .GIF of a woman inside a cage--she was protesting the cruel treatment of animals. So granfather figoured that he coud also say that he is trapped in his "cage" as a protest too.
The only bastord-behaviorol problem came on Granfather's extreme disapprovol of the latest Star Trek Voyogor episode, where Tom Parris and Ballana Torrez ended up in space suits floating out in space. He REALY didnt like that epposode. He was pissed cause he hates Star Trek rommance; (unless its Captian Kirk in the old series defloworing some blue-skinned babe, or else Worf and Dax goin at on The Prommenade like a couple of savages.)
This particulor eppisode he thought was too touchy feely and "too Counselor Troy-ish." He threw a violent fit and I had to whack his head with that ax handol we keep in the closet that's wrapped with ellectricol tape. After 4 or 5 whacks he said to me "THANKS BOY. I WAS GITTIN NEAR OUT OF IT."
"NOW FEED THEM DOGS AND CHICKENS. WE WANT 'EM PLUMP AN' HEALTHEY FER WHEN OUR 'GUESTS' ARRIVE."
The old bastord has a slight problem with the Ballana Torrez charactor as it is because he likes her feisty and not all lovey-dovey. "AN' WHY THE HELL SHE'S GOT A SPANISH NAME? SHE'S A DANM KLINGON, AIN'T SHE?"
Plus Granfathor told me that Kirk or Piccard would of blowed up those 20 odd ships run by the scavvenging turnip heads who stole their warp core. Or at least sent the new Borg bitch over to kick some alien ass.
This night he was in the mood for me to take Muenstor Cheese and just lay it in a plate and nuke the hell out of it till it was all molten. He is such a danm glutton that hes the only person I know who will stare at the microwave and scream at the top of his lungs HURRY!! HURRY!!
Yes, when you do this to Muenstor, the oil sepparates and floats to the top, there is a slight pale protubberence growing in the center, but the most horroble is the edges--Im talkin when you zap it on high for 7 minuttes or so. Yes the egdes of the dish gets cheese baked on it in dark reddish brownish black, where it isnt quite solid, liquid or gas, but probly the Fourth State Of Mattor: Atomic phaised plasma.
I WARNED him not to lap at it with his toungue; (Yup, since hes trapped in the sofa, I layed his plate on the floor, like hes an animal; Hell--he IS an animal).
Well his tounge got BURNT and STUCK to the dish. It was horroble. He thrashed arround with the dish stuck to it, waving it around. Granfathers tounge is ammazingly long, and its more like a prehensile tentacle than a toungue.
The noises i heard and what I saw with that dish stuck was ecaxtly like the scene in the movie Men-In-Black when the Fresh Prince is helping to delivor the alien octopus baby in the car on the side of the road on the New Jorsey Turnpike and he is cought and picked up by that slimy wiggly thing and winged around in the air.
The van pulled up, and stuck allover it was the same rubber flowers we have on the bottom of our bathtub which keep you from slippin and breakin your ass when your takkin a showor. I didnt know they coud go on a car too.
As they came toward us, Granfather whispered creully to me, "YOU GO ALONG WITH ME BEING 'CAGED-FOR-A-CAUSE', Y'HEAR ME, BOY?
AN' BE SURE AN' TELL THESE HERE FOLKS THET THIS BANNOR IS MADE FROM SOY-BASED INK. OR THE NEXT THING THEM DOGS'LL GIT FAT ON IS YOUR SKINNY-ASS DEAD CADAVOR"
They were 3 woman and a man. The man was taking notes. They looked like true leftover hippies, but they were freindly and more pleasant than we thuoght they would be. The danm dogs are afraid of their own shadow (thanks to living with Granfather), but atleast they did look healthior.
I layed a peice of plywood across the porch steps and Granfather steered the tangoled metal cube over the threshhold, and rolled outside into the yard. Then he made me fetch them some iced tea, and we all sat around and had a pleasant convorsation.
Between hyporventilating bawling shudders, he motioned me to come to him and in amidst his fake mournfull wails whispored to me, (while conveineintly sheilding his face from the others, thanks to that Fiestaware dish stuck to his tounge), "I COUD GO FER A BIG ASS STEAK, HOW 'BOUT YOU??"
Then he made me go inside and get the 2 chickons who he made ME share my room with, who were now quite plump and healthey. He introducced them as "Miss Hawaii" and "Miss Misisippi."
When all the liqour was gone, the old bastord then asked if any of them hapenned to have on them "ANY O'THE MOST RIGHTEOUS NOXIOUS WEED." They all errupted in luaghtor, (including me) thinking that the old corny geezor was just trying to be cool.
Well i went inside to clean the dishes an when i came out there was Granfather, suckin smoke down using a wide-mouth Snapple bottle as a homemade bong. I coudnt beleive it but the worst was to come when the guy went off to the van to get his guitar. First he played "Stairway to Heavon" and then "Roundabout"; (yup, just like my dad these peopple were stuck in the '70s); but the worst was when they got to Freebird.
Oh, crap: Granfather, weed and Freebird: A deadley combonation that I atcually saw once as a child, and hoped never, EVER, EVOR to see again as long as i lived.
...well, of COURCE you cant immagine it. But I CAN, and the immage is burned on my pittifuly scarred brain for good, I'm affraid.
As many such parties wind down to conclussion, they ran out of dope. (Except ovbiously for the MAIN DOPE, who hapenned to be in great quantity). Granfather and the man who was playin the guitor started lamenting the fact there was nothin left to smoke (othor than tobacco, which you know they were against). Granfather said, "DANM, THAT SNAPPOL WAS GOOD. NO WONDER MICRASOFT BOUGHT $150 MILLION WORTH OF IT." and all the people there lauaghed there asses off.
I was inside but heard them, and said "Granfather, that was APPLE they bought, NOT Snapple." He said "SHUT UP, BOY, I KNOW THAT" and they all lauged again, but this time at ME.
The ambulance didnt want to come, (becuase our address is on there list as 'Emergency Service Abusers'--and besides they hate granfathers guts), but I assured them that it wasnt the old bastord it was a guest. So they came over right away.
The poor guy was laying there when they arrived, and finaly came to, thanks to this stuff the head ambullance guy gave him. In a minute, he was conscious enuogh to talk. Then he gave us the story.
I know that somtimes to berate someone for doing somthing stupid is uncalled for, especially when they are sufforing, like this poor fellow was. So thats why i thuoght it was exceptionally and unecessarily harsh for the ambulance crew cheif to yell at the patient with angry bittor scorn: "Listen up, you. You dont ever, EVER, EVER want to smoke something you find on the floor of the bathroom at these people's house. Do you understand?"
Later on while we were watchin Nightline he said to me, "YOU KNOW BOY, OF ALL MY ARRESTS THIS WAS ONE OF MY MOST ENJOYYOBLE."
The gristlly old bastord is gettin pretty good at talkin with that dish stuck to his tuongue.
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