Walter Miller's Homepage
Yes, Walter's Hompage indeed: FINALY, what the internet was invented for.

Mid-Setpember 1997 Penultimate-on-Prodigy Update

Page 7 of 7


The folowing week began OK. Granfather spent most of the time on the web and also watching cable TV trying to come up with ideas that pressented himself as sympathetic with Animal Rights causes. He latched onto an evil idea: He had seen on the Fox News website a .GIF of a woman inside a cage--she was protesting the cruel treatment of animals. So granfather figoured that he coud also say that he is trapped in his "cage" as a protest too.

The only bastord-behaviorol problem came on Granfather's extreme disapprovol of the latest Star Trek Voyogor episode, where Tom Parris and Ballana Torrez ended up in space suits floating out in space. He REALY didnt like that epposode. He was pissed cause he hates Star Trek rommance; (unless its Captian Kirk in the old series defloworing some blue-skinned babe, or else Worf and Dax goin at on The Prommenade like a couple of savages.)

This particulor eppisode he thought was too touchy feely and "too Counselor Troy-ish." He threw a violent fit and I had to whack his head with that ax handol we keep in the closet that's wrapped with ellectricol tape. After 4 or 5 whacks he said to me "THANKS BOY. I WAS GITTIN NEAR OUT OF IT."

"NOW FEED THEM DOGS AND CHICKENS. WE WANT 'EM PLUMP AN' HEALTHEY FER WHEN OUR 'GUESTS' ARRIVE."

The old bastord has a slight problem with the Ballana Torrez charactor as it is because he likes her feisty and not all lovey-dovey. "AN' WHY THE HELL SHE'S GOT A SPANISH NAME? SHE'S A DANM KLINGON, AIN'T SHE?"

Plus Granfathor told me that Kirk or Piccard would of blowed up those 20 odd ships run by the scavvenging turnip heads who stole their warp core. Or at least sent the new Borg bitch over to kick some alien ass.

A Problem at supper: Another atachment on Granps

As I mentioned beffore, Granfather somtimes loves freid cheese. YES, just fryed cheese. But its got to be fried like it was fried in hell. Or when you microwaive it and it gets all chewy.

This night he was in the mood for me to take Muenstor Cheese and just lay it in a plate and nuke the hell out of it till it was all molten. He is such a danm glutton that hes the only person I know who will stare at the microwave and scream at the top of his lungs HURRY!! HURRY!!

Yes, when you do this to Muenstor, the oil sepparates and floats to the top, there is a slight pale protubberence growing in the center, but the most horroble is the edges--Im talkin when you zap it on high for 7 minuttes or so. Yes the egdes of the dish gets cheese baked on it in dark reddish brownish black, where it isnt quite solid, liquid or gas, but probly the Fourth State Of Mattor: Atomic phaised plasma.

I WARNED him not to lap at it with his toungue; (Yup, since hes trapped in the sofa, I layed his plate on the floor, like hes an animal; Hell--he IS an animal).

Well his tounge got BURNT and STUCK to the dish. It was horroble. He thrashed arround with the dish stuck to it, waving it around. Granfathers tounge is ammazingly long, and its more like a prehensile tentacle than a toungue.

The noises i heard and what I saw with that dish stuck was ecaxtly like the scene in the movie Men-In-Black when the Fresh Prince is helping to delivor the alien octopus baby in the car on the side of the road on the New Jorsey Turnpike and he is cought and picked up by that slimy wiggly thing and winged around in the air.

Well Geuss who Shows Up

Just as we realized that the old bastord was as stuck to the dish as the colapsible sofa was to him--we see out the window a trail of dust coming in towward us from the highway. I got the binoculors, and i coud see this ramshackel old van pulling up toward our trailer. Yes it was the Nature actovists.

Our property is Inspected

The first thing Granfather told me to do was go scraipe off the bumpor sticker off the car that said:

I LOVE ANIMALS...
THEY'RE DELICIOUS

The van pulled up, and stuck allover it was the same rubber flowers we have on the bottom of our bathtub which keep you from slippin and breakin your ass when your takkin a showor. I didnt know they coud go on a car too.

"Caged for a Cause"

The night before the old beast had made me print out this bannor that said 'Caged For A Cause' on my inkjet printer, (that took ALL THE COLORED INK I HAD LEFT). And when he saw the visitors coming towward us, he told me to draipe it over his cage, and tape it down. The banner also had this sickeningly sweet clip art of big sad eyed puppies and kittons on it. He made me draipe it over his crushed couch cage.

As they came toward us, Granfather whispered creully to me, "YOU GO ALONG WITH ME BEING 'CAGED-FOR-A-CAUSE', Y'HEAR ME, BOY?

AN' BE SURE AN' TELL THESE HERE FOLKS THET THIS BANNOR IS MADE FROM SOY-BASED INK. OR THE NEXT THING THEM DOGS'LL GIT FAT ON IS YOUR SKINNY-ASS DEAD CADAVOR"

They were 3 woman and a man. The man was taking notes. They looked like true leftover hippies, but they were freindly and more pleasant than we thuoght they would be. The danm dogs are afraid of their own shadow (thanks to living with Granfather), but atleast they did look healthior.

I layed a peice of plywood across the porch steps and Granfather steered the tangoled metal cube over the threshhold, and rolled outside into the yard. Then he made me fetch them some iced tea, and we all sat around and had a pleasant convorsation.

Phoney Bastord

There is no phonier bastord more phony who ever lived than Granfather. The old beast started the convorsation lammenting the recent 8% layoffs at Greenpeace--and how that he saw on the news that that fine orgonization was reduced to lobbying against vinyl baby toys. And then he began his fake weeping abbout the fate of beef cows.

Between hyporventilating bawling shudders, he motioned me to come to him and in amidst his fake mournfull wails whispored to me, (while conveineintly sheilding his face from the others, thanks to that Fiestaware dish stuck to his tounge), "I COUD GO FER A BIG ASS STEAK, HOW 'BOUT YOU??"

Then he made me go inside and get the 2 chickons who he made ME share my room with, who were now quite plump and healthey. He introducced them as "Miss Hawaii" and "Miss Misisippi."

Par-TAAAY

As it got dark the evening got proggressively worse. Granfather made me get a bottol of whisky from inside which was promptley dispatched equally by all 4. And then so was a second bottol, and then abbout a total of 14 beers. I had work to do earley the next morning so i did not have nothing to drink.

When all the liqour was gone, the old bastord then asked if any of them hapenned to have on them "ANY O'THE MOST RIGHTEOUS NOXIOUS WEED." They all errupted in luaghtor, (including me) thinking that the old corny geezor was just trying to be cool.

Well i went inside to clean the dishes an when i came out there was Granfather, suckin smoke down using a wide-mouth Snapple bottle as a homemade bong. I coudnt beleive it but the worst was to come when the guy went off to the van to get his guitar. First he played "Stairway to Heavon" and then "Roundabout"; (yup, just like my dad these peopple were stuck in the '70s); but the worst was when they got to Freebird.

Oh, crap: Granfather, weed and Freebird: A deadley combonation that I atcually saw once as a child, and hoped never, EVER, EVOR to see again as long as i lived.

"LOOORD KNOWS: I CANT CHAY-AY-AY-AY-ANGE..."
Imagine if you will an ensconced trapped restrained bastord singing, howling, and wagging to the music, and then when it gets to the fast instromental part, him playying "air guitar" with just one ankle movable...

...well, of COURCE you cant immagine it. But I CAN, and the immage is burned on my pittifuly scarred brain for good, I'm affraid.

As many such parties wind down to conclussion, they ran out of dope. (Except ovbiously for the MAIN DOPE, who hapenned to be in great quantity). Granfather and the man who was playin the guitor started lamenting the fact there was nothin left to smoke (othor than tobacco, which you know they were against). Granfather said, "DANM, THAT SNAPPOL WAS GOOD. NO WONDER MICRASOFT BOUGHT $150 MILLION WORTH OF IT." and all the people there lauaghed there asses off.

I was inside but heard them, and said "Granfather, that was APPLE they bought, NOT Snapple." He said "SHUT UP, BOY, I KNOW THAT" and they all lauged again, but this time at ME.

An ambulance is called

Then the guy, the guitar player had to take a leak. Between the pot and the booze this guy was ROCKIN. He drunkenly stumboled up the steps of our trailor, went in the bathroom and disapeared. After 20 minutes i went in to look for him...and there he was layin on his back with his eyes rolled back and green foam arround his mouth. He looked like a danm X-File. He was NOT breathing. I called 911.

The ambulance didnt want to come, (becuase our address is on there list as 'Emergency Service Abusers'--and besides they hate granfathers guts), but I assured them that it wasnt the old bastord it was a guest. So they came over right away.

The poor guy was laying there when they arrived, and finaly came to, thanks to this stuff the head ambullance guy gave him. In a minute, he was conscious enuogh to talk. Then he gave us the story.

Annothor Warning: This too is GROSS

i wont go into the details, but i got the gist of it: Do you know when you are in a bathroom in a public place and you see there on the floor a small rolled up peice of toilet papper? You know what i mean--it is a small, rolled stick which occurs as the result of viggorous wiping, where some of the paper rolls off some persons ass who has just given himself a dry wipe, and falls onto the floor and looks vagueley like a hand rolled joint. Well, it was one of GRANFATHER'S, and this guy (thanks to clearly--CLEARLY inpaired judgement) saw this thing laying there, and thuoght it WAS a joint. So he blazed it up. And now the doctors say he will lose part of one lung.

I know that somtimes to berate someone for doing somthing stupid is uncalled for, especially when they are sufforing, like this poor fellow was. So thats why i thuoght it was exceptionally and unecessarily harsh for the ambulance crew cheif to yell at the patient with angry bittor scorn: "Listen up, you. You dont ever, EVER, EVER want to smoke something you find on the floor of the bathroom at these people's house. Do you understand?"

The Sheriff's revvenge: BUS-taaad!

Oh how sweet it is to get one up on Granfather. The sherrif cited all the people there for drug posession, (exept me) and now the old troll has a court apearance. Evereyone was released on their own recoggnosence; (mainly because its hard to cart Granpy around).

Later on while we were watchin Nightline he said to me, "YOU KNOW BOY, OF ALL MY ARRESTS THIS WAS ONE OF MY MOST ENJOYYOBLE."

The gristlly old bastord is gettin pretty good at talkin with that dish stuck to his tuongue.

THE END OF THIS UPDATE

GO BACK NOW to The menu of Updates