Walter Miller's Home Page

Very Belated Mid-May 1997 Update page

"Toilet humor masqeurading as signifocent social commentary"

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Sat 5/17: The day for me was unevventful.

Grandfather and his awful girlfreind took the car early in the morning and woud be expected back around 1pm. I coudnt get on my website but this is nothing new. Progidy servers are always down now and then. I saw 4 notes from people askin WHERES THE PAGE WALTER? I wrote back and said dont worry--it will be back.

5 PM: Granfather is Missing!

Well its no secret the old creature is utterley missing from all evolutionery charts. Howevor, this was diferent. In a panic, I called the Sherrif to report granfather and his low moraled female cohabbitant as mising persons. The Sheriff told me that granfather was curently in his custody stinkin up one of their cells. On the upside, each time the old bastord burped up some of his Pepsi, 7 years worth of graffitti had emoulsified and loosened itself off the concrete block walls of the jail due to the release of hyper acidic moleculor hydrocarbons which were released. On the downside a man in the next cell atempted to hang himself from the rank smell and our county faces a class action lawsuit from some of the other incarcerrated individules. Also the whole time he was draggin his teeth across the bars--not a tin cup like in the movies but his friggin TEETH while screamin, "TURN KEY! GIT ME OUT TO MAKE MUH ONE FREE PHONE CALL!"

Of cuorse that one free call was to a lewd 900 number at taxpayor expense. Thats Granfather for you.

The sherrif tells me the story

He told me that for a man trying to get in the Giunness book of Records, that day Granfather had missed out on the oportunity to at least set a new Texas state law enforcement record for being arested in 3 diferent counties in one day for 3 separrate types of offenses. But the old bastord blew his chance for making history, being that in two cases the cops declined placing him in their squad car (again the odor) and instead he was released with a just summons. (When confined in an automobile his stench has been know to spontanuoisly un-tuck and unroll 'Tuck-And-Roll' uppouolstrey as well as make odometers not work anymore).

Making a scene in 4 diferent restuarants

The cops had been called 4 seperate times before noon when him and the old hag had reffused to leave different fastfood resuarants after causeing altercations involving Granfathers simple brain being unable to mentally grasp a certain franchise's 55 cent samwich campaign. (Only one of the stores was a McDonolds. The Wendys restuarant didnt know nothing about no 55 cent sanwdiches),.

After a police motorcade escourted the old sonoffabich to the county line and out of their bailawick, the sherrif said that later in the afternoon Granfather was arrested here in our own county for disorderly conduct and cuasing a traffic accident. It seems he was atempting to commence that adolesscent and very typically Texas-like rite of passage (if not 50 years late) to spraypaint his old wench girlfiend's name on a freeway underpass and was dangling by 2 bunjee cords over the edge of a steel and concreate brigde in a squating position with his shoes off and all 11 of his prehensile primate-like toes curled onto the bottom egde of the steel gripping it. In order to keep his gnarled arthropoddic hands free to hold the spray can, Granps was dangling and bobbing from the elastocized cords which were wrapped around the car door handle parked above him while the wire J-hooks at the end of the bungees were hooked, one in each nostril. Youve seen these bunjees--these are the type you secure your car trunk with when you put a TV in it or something.

While dangling over the freeway with cars zipping past below his assourted unmentionnnabbles were sort of hangin out of his adult diapor so to speak and an old lady driving underneath saw it and started havin a stroke or somthin from the shock and she sideswiped another car.

The Animol Rescue Unit is called

Well of cuorse Animal Control was called--hes not a human afterall. While granfather was hauled up with a net and tackle by the beast wranglers he complained that he was gonna sue the Highway deppartment becuase the tip of a CB radio antenna atop a fast moving 18-wheelor undeneath him gave him a nice snap on the ass. Considering that hanging from bunjee cords lodged in his nose caused him no pain i can imagine that this sure must of hurt like hell for him to complain.

It took an hour for them to get Granfather off the brigde and placed in a rubborized canvas bag then thrown in the animal wagon. The whole time he was spitting, screaming and hacking lung wadds at the oficers.

The finaly capture him

As he dangled, suspended and swinging by the bunjee hooks in his nose off the bridge they had to stop trafic in both directions and finaly were lucky enuogh to snag the old bastord with one of those long poles with the wire noose loop on the end just like the ones I saw on CNN that they used last month to rescue stranded cats off the roofs of flooded homes in North Dakoda.

Later that night when I was lancing boils on Granfathers ass i discovered one particulorly bright red one that was unusualy perfectly round in shape was atcually the little rubber ball from the top of the semi-truck antenna. It lodged halfway stickin out the meat part of his asscheek. Granfather said to wash it off and keep it cause after he presents this as evidence in his lawsuit agianst the Highway department, hes gonna use it as his good luck trout fishing float.

After posting bond at the jail the 2 of them came home at 7. Then I had to spend 2 hours cleaning the car off. The old creepy girlfreind was driving the car. There was powdor, makeup and slimey stuff all over the steering wheel and the whole car smelled like rancid makeup. And foundation liqoid. Who puts makeup on her HANDS for godsake? Apparontly this old Bich.

Sunday morning 5/18: More emails.

There was over 90 notes in my mailbox of people tryin to find my webpage. This was unusual because Satourday is my lowest day for hits. I was startin to get nervuos, as most people enjoy The Walter Miller Homepage at the workplace. I hoped theyd fix it soon othorwise the flood of email woud hit Monday of people lookin for my Mid May Update!!!

So I went into the Live Help Chat room and they told me to write an e-mail to the support people. So I did. They said theyd respond within 24 hours.

Sitting & Waiting