Walter Miller's Home Page

Very Belated Mid-May 1997 Update page

"Ten percent of all profits go to clean up the enviromnet imediatly surrounding Granfather"

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Also within that batch of 90 or so Sunday morning e-mails I had 2 or 3 more acussations givin me a hard time about my Netly news Colunm. Just becuase theres more typoes in my homepage than my colunm, and plus my colum is written better and perhaps less scattollogical than the homepage, SOME PEOPLE think I am a fraud. But I am NOT a fruad: I merely aspire to a higher standord for work Im paid for. I proofread my Netly colunm. I dont proofread my homepage, only certain features like my Star Treck spoofs. Also unlike othor writings, my home page is primarrily an exorcise in emmotional therapy.

Sunday at 4pm the deputy sherrif came by with the security tape from one of the places where granfather made a 55-cent sandwich scene. (This particulor place where the tape was from wasnt even a restuarant at all--it was a conveneince store that sold microwavvable food). As Granfather was being dragged out of the store by the cops he was hollering and the womon behind the counter said to him (in a very Texas-like thing to say), "Dont you make Fresh with me!" and all of a sudden that prompted Granfather to start loudly singing the Mentoes Candy comercial song at the top of his lungs with the cigarate clenched in his teeth, (with the old biddy singin in the background):

"DOO DOO DOO DOO....DO WAH!

IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT COMES
GRAMPY'S FRESHER THAN YOU
I'M STINKY FRESH AND FULL OFF L-I-I-I-IFE!
NOTHIN' GETS TO YOU
LIKE THE THINGS I DO
WITH GRAMPY FRESH AND FULL OF LIFE!

GRAMPY'S FRESHER, (GRAMPY'S FRESHER!), GRAMPY'S FRESHER--GRAMPY'S FRESH AND FULL OF LIFE!

Its such a jumpy corny kind of song because I think the originol song is from Germany. And then at the end of every comercial, just as the wise-ass Krout kid faces the camera with the goofy smile holding the roll of candy in a verticle position and gestures it upward toword you, on this securrity tape, Granfather faces the camera and flips his middle fingor up and makes an evil grin.

The old beast, his old girlfreind and the deputy Sherrif were all singin the song and luaghing their asses off like crazy and you know with all those "sh" sounds from saying 'fresh' over and over with a cigaret in his moulth Gramps was spittin everywhere. The whole trailor was a danm mess. Then they called Granfather's demented old freind in Oklohoma and put him on speakerphone and sang the song for him. Sick bastords all of them.

Theres no justise in this countrey

The sherrif also said he knows a freind who can get them the use of a cherry pickor so late one night Granfather can get up there safely to spraypaint the the old Bitch's name on that freeway ovorpass. Can you imagine? And this is a lawman too.

The 3 of them drank beer and played cards and watched the tape over and over singin the Mentos song in every puerile combonnation you can imagine till the Simpsons came on. Then the deputy helped me reattach a new cardboard pet coller arround Granfatther's neck. The old one torn while he was hangin from the brigde. Theres been allot of boils and ingrown hairs along the ridge of his shoulders and back so he is biting them allot so we made sure to reinfource it good with shelf paper plus allot of leftover Jim Hightowor bumper stickers we had hangin around. Then the deputy went home cause he likes to watch King Of The hill with his family. (Everoyone in our town does)

The next morning I had to get up early becuase I had to go to my telecomuting job which was 3 hours away and I had to be up by 5AM. But granfather and the old hag were makkin allot of noise havin a fight and yellin an screamin at each other. They were also playin that CD soundtrack to Pulp Fitcion over and over and OVER. I coud NOT get to sleep.

At abbout 3AM I got up to take a whiz and there in the living room the 2 old sideshow spectocles were provocatively dancing around to that Pulp Fiction CD which was cranked on high with their fingers in a V shape movin their hands around horrozontily just like Uma Thuman in the movie. I yelled at them to STOP and go to sleep an granfrather hollared back at me it was his house and if i didnt like it i coud kiss his ass.

I threaten to get the vacuume cleaner

I said to the old bastord: 'Do I have to get That With The Name Which Is Not Spoken after you?" As you know granfathers greatest fear (his ONLY fear) is the household vacumme cleaner. I dont even have to turn that vacume cleaner on. Alls I have to do is take it out of the closet and the Granfather starts shivvering in terror.

I wish i didnt have to do it.

My mentioning of the vacume cleanor in front of his girlfreind caused allot of embarasment to granfather. As I mentioned he is truly frihgtened of the vacuum cleaner just like someons pet like a cat or puppy is. Granfather began coworing and beggin me in soft tones not to go get it. The old girlfriend called me a bully and then her and granfather got in a fight becuase the old bastord woudnt stand up to me. Then the old gross girlfreind called me allot of names and said that I woudnt be worth nothin without the vacuume.

And I said ECXUSE ME i use the vacume OLNY when I cant get the recalcotrent beast under controle. She said YOUR NOT A MAN WALTER which in and of itself is not that overtley cruel a thing to say but the way she said it it sounded really true. I staretd crying but i went in the othor room so no one woud see me.

As I went off to bed granfather clomped into my room with his big clunkey walker and threw the Magic 8 Ball from off my dresser right at my head but I ducked just in time and it hit the wall hard and then he muttered "ILL GIT YOUR ASS, AND GOOD, BOY" for embarasing him in front of his old bellywarmer.

He muttered at me low so she woudnt hear, "I WUZ SET TO GIT SOME 'NASTY' FROM THE OLE HAG TONITE, AN' THANKS TO YOU NOW I AIN'T."

Yes this is the type of thing I have to put up with. My famliy just doesnt understand. They think I make it up. Yeah rihgt who coud make this stuff up.

When I got to work the next day everyone was talkin abbout how my homepage was down.

It was now the 19th of May and everyone was looking for it but it was NOT THERE. I dialed in from my desk on my lunch hour and saw I had 1,633 new messages. Oh crap. NOW i had a problem.

When i got home it was 8pm and Granfathers old girlfreind had gone back up to Dallas for a few days. Granfather was on the speakorphone screaming: FIX WALTER MILLERS HOME PAGE DAMMITT and callin the people on the other end the most horroble names. They were tryin to be helpful and I tried to get the old bastord to stop but then I realized it wasnt Prodigy he was on the phone with. It was our local state Senators office the old bastord acidentaly called on speed dial. The guy on the other end who was one of the Senater's simpering lackey aides kept sayin "We're workin on the problem, RIGHT NOW Granpy." (They know him by name)

I started thinking, how coud my state Senator fix the danm Prodigy personol webpage server? It makes you wonder how full of crap these polliticians really are. I woudnt be supprized if in the next election he blamed his opponent for breakin it.

What else is new? Granfathers behavior deteriorates