Walter Miller's Homepage

Not avialable in a French Languauge edition

Mid-Novembor 1997 Update

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I begin this update (As i do so many of them lately) with an appollogy.

I woud like to say i am sorry to my readers for my schrill and complaining tone in the opening parragrapghs of my last update, my Post Holoween Speciel. (First off, please undorstand it was a spoof--Granfather is NOT REALY a vampire, and he never was. A disgussting monstor, perhaps. A horroble cackling ghoul, mabye. A hiddeous Frankonstein-like medical experriment gone wrong, a low-ranking demon "outsourced" from hell by the senior devil mannagement due to poor work performence and bad odor, and posibly even a sub human secret Goverment alien-animol-vegetoble-fungal-hybrid, YES --all of these things and more--but never a vampirre).

What i was complaining abbout was that just because the Fox network has Halloween specials with The Simpsons each year, it doesent mean they have copywrighted the right of othors to have Holoween speciels. This complaint was foolish and imature, plus it has a small history...

It all began when my Octobor issue of The Web Magazine came--The First Aniversary Editon, with Agent Scully on the covor. Among the bullit points on the cover listing features in the magozine was one which read:

  • World's Funniest Web Site
  • Well i looked at that and my heart startad beatting. Granfather tossed it to me grinning, "TAKE A LOOK, THEY'D WROTE ABOUT YOU."

    As you know, many pubblications online and in print have wrote over the past 2 years that my site is the funniest or at least ONE of the funneist on the web. As i nervuosly flipped to the page of the articol, hoping to find a confirming boost to my poor selfesteem, even beffore i got to the page i sudenly KNEW in my mind that it was "The Onion" they were talkin about and NOT Walter Miller's Home Page. And i was corect.

    I didnt say a word but stormed out of the room, knowing Granfather had did it on puorpose to deflate me. I was sure he alredy looked at the magazine and just lied to get my hopes up merely to annoy me. He knows i have a fragile ego. Allot of it is my fualt because I take myself too serriously. I have a tendencey to think the world revolves around me. That of cuorce is not true.

    A few minuts later the old bastord rolled his wheelchaier in my room while i was on my PC. I treid to uttorly ignoare him. He began poking me with his big crookedy hourney yellow fingornails and launched into a tirade that YES, he DID do it on purpose--On purpese to bring my head down outof the clouds.

    "LISSEN UP, BOY," he growled at me. "YOURE FOOD THET'S PAST-THE-EXPIRATION DATE.

    "YOURE STAMPED MEAT. OLD MILK. LAST YEAR'S HOT DOGS, WAY AT THE BOTTOM O'THE FREEZER, COVORED WITH SMELLY OLE ICE FUR."

    Granfather told me that he coud not beleive i was still foolishley doing my homepage for so long, and that i shoud JUST GIVE IT UP. I have not yet atracted a sponcer or made money off it, and even if I spent all that time flipping burgers I woud atleast have a couple of thuosand dollars by now. This is what REALY hurt, not that the Onion is funnior than me....Well, that did hurt too. Dammit they ARE funnior than me. But mabye in a diferrent way; for one thing they spel evorything right.

    The old bastord told me that i needed a new schtick.

    My shtick is just FINE thankyou very much.

    And it has nevor ben in contact with any diseased women from the next county, letme tell you, like HIS has been. He just luaghed when I said that, in his disgousting Roseanne cackle, the one Roseann does after they play her theme song on TV.

    Then he explianed it to me.

    Granfather said that what he realy meant by it was my inabbility to MOVE ON from being typecast in this industrey. Sort of like so many of those cute child stars from the 1980s who have now grown up to join the growwing ranks of generolly unatractive has-been out of work twentysomthing dinner-theator-grade actors.

    "ITS A RARE FEW WHO KIN WIELD A NEW SCHTICK BOY, AN' LEMME TELL YOU: YOU AIN'T NO MARKY MARK," Granfathor said with a creul smirk.

    Then he said to watch him for a minute cause he just "LEARNED HISSELF A NEW TRICK." The beastly geezor had a rubbor glove in his lap an he put it in his moulth and started chewing an movin it arround with his tounge. Then a minute or so later he gulped and spasmed, and one of the fingors of the glove slowly emmerged from his right nostril and began inflating.

    I told him "so what," i saw anothor guy do the same danm trick last year on the Jenny Jones Show.

    "YEH, BUT WHAR'S THE PINKY? THE DANM PINKY?"

    Then granfather said "TELL ME YUH AIN'T NEVER SEEN THIS," and then from his left ear the pinkey of the glove shot out like one of those paper whistle things that unrolls when you blow it on New Years Eve except it was covored with brown wax and a few horobble wiggly haires clung on to the tip.

    I am not makking this up.

    He is a disgousting pig of a man. I geuss when you dont have a brain like Granfather, you can mannipulate things like rubbar gloves upword into the void. He is so grossley repugnent he isnt funny.

    After the old bastord wheeled out I flung myself on the bed and started cryin. It wasnt about the tricks he does, but becuase of the othor stuff he said. I hate when he is right abbout somthing. Later I looked at The Onion's website and saw that The Simpsons had sponcored one of their online editions and posibly more of them. That is why I poked fun at the Fox network in my last update because i was jeallous that they are sponsorring SOME peoplles websites BUT NOT MINE. This envy of othors who are more tallented and sucesful than me is painful for me to admit.

    I have a Tendincy to Wallo in Self Pitty

    Yes my counselor has told me that i feel too sorry for myself. I also admit that i want peopple to like me and pay atention to me. It is childish but admitting it is a step toword maturrity.

    Parannoid Ass-Covoring Disclaimor: Please note that I am apollogizing to my readers, and NOT to Fox or the Onion, towword whom I admit no wrongdoing othor than harbering silent jealloucy of them in my heart; (these are both large orgonizations who can probly sue my skinny ass if they wanted to.) To bolth of them I say instead: Just be happy for the danm pubblicity and nice words you are getting thanks to me--who remmains a big fan.

    I too want to make money on the Web

    I am not sure how bannor ads work, or what sponsorshipps pay, or how Cost-Per-Impresion ratios break down. Even if someone explained it to me i will be too stupid to undorstand it.

    Atcually, somone DID explian it

    There is a small company that is interrested in develloping various treatments on the authorrized drammatization of my life. I actualy met with these people not long ago. Who the hell knows what will come of it. In any case im sure you dont care abbout the details.

    You dont want to be bored: You just want the TOILAT HUMOR you came here for: CLICK HERE to contineu reading this update.