Walter Miller's Homepage

I feel that this is still a marginally more honest way to mak a living than bein a lawyor

Mid-Novembor 1997 Update

Page 3 of 7


Buttor Flavor Crisco may have that fresh dairy taste but it is NOT suposed to be used as freely as butter. Yet i am the one who must pay the price. Meanning that I am the one who has to haul him to the john and TAK CARE OF BUSINES when he gets there--you know what i mean. Our toilat is STILL brokkan but I found an old toilet in one of the back barns that needed some work with Krazy Glue. I cannot fix the float and my arms are not strong enuogh to turn the bolts to hook it up plus we dont have any money left to get the plumbor back here (not that he woud come), so a ran the gardon hose in the windoew to fill the tank each time we haveto flush. Lately were flushing ALLOT.

So there i was propping up the old nasty beast. Have you ever seen black plastic electricol tape when its been sitting in the sun and the glue is all runny and you cant peel it apart from the roll. Well pitcure an adult undergarment stuck to a rabbid chimpanzee so badly that you haveto get it off with a pare of pliers. And also picture a normalley WHITE adult diapor tarnished that same industriel shade of black. Yes the only way that danm diaper was comin off was in postage stamp sized peices one at a time with the needolnose plyers.

It is a living nightmaire and only sharing it here on the Internet can i feel bettor and get on with my life

"WHUT KIN I SAY BOY?" Granfather snickored at me in his evil sputtoring cackle with a cigaret in his teeth as I balanced his skinny ass on the egde of the bowl, with the drippy sappey pliers in one hand, while the smell emminating from him which filled the room was surely permannently damaging the mucol membraines of my nose and lungs and who knows, probly even etching the surfece of my corneas, "I GUESS I'M WHUT WINSTON CHURCHILL WOUD CALL 'A MYSTERY INSIDE A RIDDLE WRAPPED IN AN ENIGMA WRAPPED IN ONE O'THEM BIG ASS OLE DOLLAR-NINETY-NINE ADULT NAPPIES WITH THE VELCRO SNATCH WHUPP'SIDE THE EDGE'."

He wasnt even all cleened up when the phone rang

It was Uncle Zeke. Granfather got on the line. The two men were stiff yet cordial, and they also hollared at each othor, sayin things like: "KIN YOU HEAR ME GOOD ON YER END?--just like all older men Ive ever known do with one annother, seemingley still beleiving deep inside that the tellephone is a new invention. They even did this last Spring when we vissited back East, and the two of them were on the phone olny a mile apart.

Uncle Zeke said he was abbout 200 miles west of us and was on his way ovor. That probly meant we'd see him by lunch the next day cause my Uncle's top speed is like 35 miles an huor with a tailwind.

They they quickley got off the phone with Granfather muttoring "HMPPH! LONG DISTENCE". I geuss this was anothor throwback to times past when it was very epxensive to talk on the phone. Meanwhile, Granfather will spend hours on the line with his pshychottic old Army freind who lives in Oklohoma. The othor night he was on the speakorphone with the deranged Okie (who is as crazy as Granfather) and the call consisted of drinkin beer and reading alloud from one of the Chickon Soup For The Soul books, adding proffanity and childish immagery to the passages and then luaghing there asses off.

"WARSH ME UP, BOY!"

Granfathor started barkin out all these things he wanted me to do to prepaire for the visit of his hated brother. We got in a big fight becuase this was just at the ecxact time I am suposed to dial in for the weekly staff meeting with the Netly News main ofice in New york City. I am alredy in truoble allot on the job for poor pefformence and atitude problems and I do not need any more setbacks. I dont haveto tell you that whenever a place makes staff cuts the peopple who work remotely like me, well thier asses are first on the choppin block.

Howevor i coud not pass up an offor to BATHE Granfather. He says that havving a bath 2 days in a row is unhealthey. Id say it was unhealty for humans and livestock who have to be near him. Plus we always argue with the old bastord contineuly insisting: "WHY, YOU LYING SUMBITCH! I HAD MUH BATH YESTERDAY!" and i have dificulties standin up for myself so the way it ends up is he wins the argeument. In realitty he gets a bath usualey once every 4 days.

The bath is alwayes a big project

Althuogh he is of an indisputible reptilian origin, the creature that has evvolved into today's Granfather is naturally repulsed by water. I have had sucess in washin him down with whisky but that gets expennsive.

He has allot of exentric peculliarities

First he decided a few months back that he will not subbmit to bathing until i put in this one particulor Allman Brothors tape. The boombox is old and dosent run right so the tape got ruined ovor that time and sounds a little high but he still wont get cleaned withuot the tape on. Also i have to let him smoake these cigars called Wheelin Stogies which he buys outof the cigar aficionnado brochure. Granfather not only can lie out of bolth sides of his mouth at the same time, he also smokkes and chews tobaco at the same time too.

A new way to restraine him in the tub

I have fuond the best way to wash Granfather is to kneel the old bastord down on the bottom of the tub on some of those thick rubbor gardening kneel pads you get in Home Depoe.

He is always sqiurming like crazy so the doctor sugested a way to keep him under controle: Do you remmember in an update i once wrote abbout how an animal behhaviorol specialist hooked an iron ring to his nose? Well that was repplaced with a small staneless steel eyelet clamp which is atached to his fibrous strong sinewy septum.

First, you have to dig the clamp out from way up his nose with a dessert spoon and then pull it down. It is atached to chain wire. Then, with one end of it still atached to his nose, the othor end is clipped to the bar on the bottom of the tub drain. This way Granfathers face is just 3 inches from the drain so when he spits tobbacco jiuce it will go straite down, and if he farts his ass is far enuogh from the lit Stogey in his mouth as not to cause a conflaggration. (Undor the threat of a fine, I had to prommise the local Fire Cheif I'd do this every time he's washed.)

Only on this speciffic day i had a problem--I coud feel the metol clip up his nose but I coudnt get a grip on it with the hook.

"WAIT, BOY WAIT: MUH GLOVE!"

I had forgot that he was playin that new trick of his with the rubbor glove that was comin out of his nose. He started sputtoring and cuoghing and sudenly ANOTHOR glove that i reckognized as being missing for almost a week flew out of his moulth and across the room all covored with all of this slimey YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW WHAT. It slapped on the wall and slowley slid to the floor.

But still, that othor glove, the one he'd shoved up there this morning was still ensconced in his nose.

He is a horroble discusting man

I know you probly think that somtimes i exaggorate the expliots of the old geezer but this one is totolly true.

After tryin for 20 minuttes of heave-ho to extract the danm rubber glove from eithor his his nose (where 3 fingors of the glove were stickin out), or his mouth, (where the wrist part was stickin out), i finaly had remembored that the pinky part was in his ear. And so i puored in some minerol oil in the ear and withdrawed the whole glove from there very gently with a cerrated ice pick and it was hard becuase the whole time he was rocking viollently because one of the instrumentol parts of the Allmen Brothers tape was comin up and he hollared at me to "CRANK MUH HOMEBOYS DWAYNE AND GREG ON HIGH!"

You never saw so much rancid wax in your life. I am so ashammed not olny to be rellated to him but even to know him. Ive said it beffore: It is not a man: It is a danm animol.

"KNOW WHUT BOY?" granfather screamed out to me over the wailing musicol din with the cigar cletched in his teeth, shuddoring twitching and bopping tempestuously to the perky beat and turning to face me with his cobralike yellow eyes, "LORD KNOWS I AIN'T A CHURCH GOIN' MAN BUT IF'N I WUZ, YOU'D FIND ME MOST REVERENTLY A-WORSHIPPIN' AT THE CHURCH O'THE TWANGY GUITAR."

His horrid gross back