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Disclaimor: When you write to me, you may be coresponding with a fictitious charactor.

Mid-Novembor 1997 Update

Page 5 of 7


Granfather told Uncle Zeke his breath stinks and offored him some chewing gum which of cource you know snapped on the old gent's fingor when he tried to take it; (Johnson Smith Catolog Page 57: Just $1.39); and within minnutes he was also toumbled onto the floor while stupidley pitching foward for a scamporing dollar bill on the floor, having happlessly fell victim to The Remote Control Money Snatcher & Trick Device: $1.98.

Zeke pulled himself up, brushhed himself off, muttored some low curses dirrected at Granfather, then pushed past us both with his giant elboews and lumbored off to the bathroom.

"POMPOUS-ASS SUMBITCH..."

As soon as he left Granfather grumboled to me that his brothor thinks he's hot stuff and a showoff cause he just got prommoted up from a blue stone to a yellow stone. I know it had somthing to do with his Secret Soceity meeting in Califonria but he woudnt explain.

With the giant ovorsized fake King Tut headdress hunkored down onto the bridge of his nose covoring his eyes, and two fingors from YET ANOTHER NEWLY DISCOVORED RUBBER GLOVE stickin out of one nostril while a stainless steel bathtub hook dangoled from the other, Granfather yammered on at how danm ridiculos Zeke looks in the turban. And like how he oughto get a job down at the Fuel-N'-Mini-Mart off the state route in the next county. (The guy who works down there also weares a turben too).

"I HATES YER DANM UNCLE'S GUTS," the old bastord gruffed.

"ONLY REASON I ALLOWED HIS BIG TALL FLAT ASS IN MUH HOUSE WUZ CAUSE MUH PRANK CATALOG DONE COME IN THE MAIL LAST MONTH.

"AN' JEST WAIT TILL THE POMPOUS OLE SUMBITCH TRIES THET THAR REVENGE TOILET TISSUE, PAGE 56: WAS $7.98 NOW MARKED DOWN TO $6.97."

I am sent to the store

Granfather gave me $40 and told me to go into town and buy some grocerries and also to gas up his brother's car, because as far as he was concerned, as long as he was gettin bumped upstiars to a yellow stone, why HE coud pay for supper, and he might as well take us all three out to Granfathers favvorite barbacue place in his own danm car.

While i was in the store I saw a couple there who was very lovey dovey. Do you know when you see two ovorly rommantic people who look like Simese twins? I felt like saying, "Save it for back home for Godsake." The way i see it there is no reasen for two people to start tounging eachother in a public store in front of the Dinty Moore display.

I was feeling kindof sad because I missed my old counselor. She used to be my councelor but she isnt any more because i developped a big crush on her in 1996. She coud tell I had feelings for her and so she stopped having sessions with me and referred me to anothor councilor.

Well aneyway i am not suposed to call her but i missed her so bad. So I called her from the payphone in the front of the store. I said "Do you know who this is?" and so aneyway she reminds me that I am NOT suposed to call her and also that i am suposed to be working out my probloms with the other councelor including my crush on her. I told her it was NOT a crush. Mabye it started out as one but NOW it is true Love. Also i said i just wanted to hear her voice. Any othor womon woud of said "OK YOU HEARD IT" and then hung up but she didnt treat me bad. She did say please dont call anymore.

Then when i was at the checkout line there is this extremly stupid girl who is very loudly snapping and cracking her gum. Plus she had like 100 holes in each ear and inside each hole was an earring the size of a hoolahoop. I had a bag of potatoe chips and she kept draggin it back and forth because she coudnt get the UPC symbol on the bag to make the cash registor beep and add up the price.

So instead of Reading the danm price stickor on it which clearely said $2.09 and tapping it in by hand, she kept on mashing the bag agianst the tiny glass window on the counter that has that little red lazer light comin up from undorneath. She must of done it ten times.

I coud hear all the chips breaking danmmit

She gave me a dirty look when I complianed and she had a face like a Surinam toad and was wearing brown lipstick that was the glossey wetlooking kind and it was all outlined in black makeup pencil. Or mabye it was a very dark blue. She was SO discousting. Anyway anothor 40 years and she will be ready to date Granfather.

That danm bag of chips was what my heart felt like. It is very bad to love somone and not have her love you back. I have ben in and out of therapey for varrious emotionnol problems since i was 14 when my mom died.

Back at the house

When I came in, Granfather was watchin the Weather Channol rambling and yappin on about his latest supposed area of expertise: El Nino.

While the grunting cries of my poor bland-brained uncle eminated from the bathroom as he huffed with agoney while still tryin to wipe his ass for ovor 45 minuts now with the thick and rather non-pliant prank toilat papper that just woudnt rip no mattor how hard he pulled it, Granfather turned and hollared loudly, "BIG BROTHER! THE BOY DONE COME BACK!"

Granps hunkored in close to me and whispored that back in '59 late one night he snuck in Zeke's house once an filled his toilat roll with staples, and then rolled it up agian, and if he's too stuppid to remember how bad he got tored up by THAT, then what hapenned tonite was his own danm foult.

Uncle Zeke stomped in holdin his giant truosors up, the kind that the zippor is like a yard long, and with his big plodding Frankenstein walk trooped allthe way to the far side of the trailor by the window where I was standing and he turned to look at me grimly. My uncle has those type of eyes that sort of look to both oposite sides of the room when he is facing you head on. It is the opposite of being cross-eyed. Mabye its just one eye that does it, i dont know. He grabbed me by my shouldors and shook me hard.

He is very strong and much, mutch larger than Granfather. His big head with the turban on it was atcually brushing the ceiling of our trailor. He was demmanding to know who gave me permision to take his car. Uncle Zeke smells like medicated powdor and Desinex cream. I was very upset and dropped the groceries and started cryin but only a small bit. I said that Granfather SAID that YOU SAID it woud be OK, plus we gassed you up with a full tank. It took a moment to sink into his dull head that it was the Beast's fault, NOT MINE. Meanwhile, Granfather (mean bastord that he is) had told my uncle, just minutts after I drove off: "OH, NO ZEKEY, THE BOY DONE STOLED YER PONTIAC!"

The misundorstanding is straigtened out