Walter Miller's Homepage

Not so mutch an anthollogy as a scatology.

Mid-Novembor 1997 Update

Page 7 of 7


My uncle has prostrate trouble so every 30 minuts or so he has to stop and pee. He normolly has somthing called a Motorman's Helper atached to his leg, but it broke in a scuffol with the old bastord that occurred during sort of an "intermission" that took place in the middol of the trick toilet papor caper while i was out grocery shopping. Neithor of them wanted to talk abbout it. (Both men also had gashes on their faces).

All i was told was that i had to mop up a pool of urine and brokon glass on the kitchin floor becuase the two men each reffused to do it. I tell you my fammily is more dysfuntionol than the danm Caligula clan.

We were in a remote area not near any service stattions plus it was dark out so i had to lead Uncle Zeke into the brush with a flashlight and hold his arm steadey as he pissed. We were away from Granfather for a second and we coud hear the old circus spectocle cackling maniacol obscenities from the car. Do you remember the film Amadeus when Mozzart has that goofey laugh? Granfather luaghs like that too, except much more loudor and scarier. The bloodcourdling sound of it is enuogh to strip the white color right out of cooked rice.

Granfather had popped in that Allman Brothers tape and was singing along to it and playying air guitar makkin the Pontiac shake like crazey. "WHY CAIN'T WE GIT ALONG LIKE THE ALLMANS, ZEKEY?" the old creul fogey mockingly called from the car.

In that minute we had alone, uncle Zeke said to me, "Quick, boy: Tell me some smartypants zingers." He wanted so desperatley to retort to Granfather's jibes.

He also said to me: "Hold me steady as i drain: I cain't be droppin' muh here turban off muh head so as to intersect with the stream."

But i coudnt think of nothin funny

Also the turbin did fall off his head and one cornor of the thing got whizzed on (but not the new yellow stone), howwevor we both kept this fact quiet from Granfather as to avvoid more of his evil mocking cruelty.

At the barbeceu place, the mean old ugley bastord kept up the insulting tyraide all thruogh dinner. The entire restuarant was half-paying atention to us because they all wanted to watch the spectocle. He also made fun of me too, callin me mean names like "twirly boy" and "pixie man."

Granfather also loudly said for the amusement of the othor diners that I had the combonation of the brains of poor Joey from NBC's "Freinds", the mascuoline self confodence of Chandler and the skinny girly body of Monica.

Everytime Granfather whipped off a zinger a low tittoring luagh worked its way around the room. It was one of these manly macho road house barbecue joints with the tin roof and sizzling neon signs where peopple alwayes wear cowboy hats an wear guns and act rough. Also, when we first walked into the place, everryone seemed startled at the flamboyent headdresses. It was danm houmiliating to be seen with these 2 old competing geezors. I begged my uncle to at least take his headdress off, and he said HELL NO becuase he had to rub it in to Granfather that he was "going places" within the Secret Societty while the old bastord was not.

Finaly Uncle Zeke gets off a Zingor

While Granfather hungrily atacked the Giant Deep Fried Crusty Texas Onion Flower as his apettizer, (we made a BIG misteak alowwing him to order that), he began singing verey loudley that song from Allmans tape, 'LORD I WAS BORN A RAMBLING MAN.'

At this point my uncle put his fork down an cleared his throaght. The entire restuaront got quiet. He asked Granfather WHY does he keep singing that song? Cause he was NOT "Borned in the backseat of a Gray Hound bus rolling down Hihgway 41."

He turned to me and rambled out in one big long serrious monnotone sentence:

"Yer Granpap wuz borned nigh but twenny miles from here in a three-hole outhouse which ain't there no more cause the I-10 now cuts thru the farm; Yup, an outhouse, reason being, our Maw wuz a stout woman with nary a clue she was even with child, nonetheless with savage beast, and just thunk unbeknownest to herself thet thar was nothin in her belly for to drop but jest a giant stool...An' drop he did, right in the mush, till i fished him out a-squirmin' with a hay fork."

The whole place explaoded with giant laughs. Evoryone ecxept Granfather cause he was enbarassed, and poor Uncle Zeke cause he didnt know what was goin on.

Amist the loud pandomonnium I said "Nice zinger, Uncle Zeke" and he muttored to me "T'werent no zinger, and t'werent supposed to be funny: T'really done did happen as such."

I dont think the poor man evor smiled or luaghed in his whole life. If not i woud trace that to being rellated to GRANFATHER.

Somthing odd happens

While Granps sat there steammed and bristleing in one of the few times in his life he was speechless aftor a put-down, one man who was in the restuarant, a fat guy in overalls was stairing at us from the bar. He waddled off his chair and slowley came over to our table and stood infront of Granfather. Then he spoke these mysterrious words in a foreign langauge and made a large sweeping bow.

Granfather made a big smile and his brothor looked very pissed. The fat strangor knew what the headresses meant and probly even belonged to the same Seccret Society himself. And it seemed that a Egptyion Headdress out ranked a turben.

Uncle Zeke said harschly, "Sir, muh brother here is a fraud: He is the 'Old Bastord' of Legend, and on my Sacred Authorrity as a Wearer of The Turban with the Yeller Stone, I severely I bids you to ignore this here evil 'Old Bastord'."

When Animals Attack!(R)

Granfathor extended his arm acros the table and held up his open palm in my my uncle's face and said: "HEY BIG BROTHER: TALK TO THE HAND."

As my poor slow witted Uncle (who is easilly distracted it seems) focused his watory eyes onto the old bastord's putrid paw, Granfather sudenly leaped from his seat knockin a root beer all over me and sprang conpletly over the table landing in Uncle Zeke's lap tippin the chair on its back and started beatin him up in a big wild cloud of wirey hairs, blood, snot and medicatted powdor. It was exactley like that Robert Urick speciel they showed on TV called "When Animalls Attack!" in the part at the end with the live action video when the ill-advised gentolman from Oregon covored himself with deer scent and then a giant buck raises up on his haunches and proceeads to pummol the crap out of him with his hoofs.

A rankorous public maylay

"'WEARER O' THE YALLER STONE' MY ASS," Granfather bellowed, while grabbing the egde of Unncle Zeke's turban and giving a large pull. Just like an old fashoined top with a rope on it the headpeice imediattly unravelled in its entirety, sendin the large eldorly man out of control in a rappidly spinning twerling circle with his big arms out, as he bounced allover into other people's tables like a big stumboling human tornado.

"ONLY THING YOUR THE SACRED WEARER OF, IS THE 'WEARER O'THE MOTERMAN'S HELPER,' WHICH Y'AINT EVEN WEARIN' NO MORE, CAUSE IT DONE BUSTED IN A BIG ASS OLE YALLER STAIN ON MUH TRAILER FLOOR, THANKS TO YOU."

Sombody called the Sheriff

They were there in just a few minnutes. Both Granfather and my uncle were arested and the old bastord (Granfather) faces aditionol charges of ressisting arrest and asault when he spat on one of the deputies down at the jailhouse when, durring an inventory of the suspects' belongings, the deputey marked down Granfather's headpeice as "A naugahide Egyptian bonnet." Granfather (while he was still cuffed), smacked the man at this sugestion screaming, "IT AIN'T NAUGAHIDE. YER 'NAUGA' IS AN ENDANGERED SPECIES. THIS HERE IS FAKE HORSE HIDE, DANM YOU."

Right now it is past midnihgt and I am putting the finnishing touches to this update on my laptop right this very minute while I am sittin in the waiting room of the county jail. They are atempting to hose down Granfather and i can hear him screamming and battoring his captors with a mop and pail thruogh the cinder block walls. Uncle Zeke (whose alredy been released) is sittin at the desk tryin to explian to the authorrities that his youngor brother is a danm non-human and they realy shoud have some of the State Agricoulture guys down here or at least canine controle.

I am pissed because while I am sitting here i missed the speceil Sienfeld eppisode thats been hyped all week, that is supposed to take place in reverse order, where they go to India for a wedding. I read abbout it on USA Today on the web, and was hopeing to write a reverse episode for this month's Update.

Well, now its too late for that but atleast i have the Sinefeld on tape which i will watch lator. Personoly, I woud LOVE for my life to run in reverce order for once. Perhapps i will be luckey enuogh for it to start with the HAPPY JUBILLENT OCASION OF GRANFATHER'S DANM FUNORAL.

END OF THIS UPDATE--SEE YOU IN DECEMBOR

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