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The regurgitated, rehauled October 1998 Update

Page 4 of 6


I dont know what went on with Granfather and Uncle zeke in Newerk while i was in New York but aparrently there was a big falling out. My Uncle was supossed to fly to Texas with us on the same flight, but insted he came a few days later.

Why my uncle had to come back to our house

There is a binding mediation agreemant with the courts that said that the next time any one of the three brothers comitted a serious felony agianst the othor, all three had to all submitt to family councilling with a court apointed counslor in Texas, or else all three go to jail.

Even though Granpy's two brothers dont live in that state, if they dont go to counsiling they will lose all rights to the monetery and property assets in Texas that they legally claim in dispute.

Undor control during the flight--sort of

As you know the airlines have begun to crack down on people (or in the case of Granfather, non-people) who misbehaive during airline flights. They used to just ban you and fine you but now you coud go to jail for 20 years due to new federol laws. (In a way its good that Granpy's brothers didnt come, cause you know they woud of tryed to provoke him into making a scene).

To keep the old basterd relaxed the doctor proscribed a strong canine sedative that he takes an hour beffore flying. Plus just to be sure he wears a speciel muzzle mask. Not so much as mask as an Air Travel Restraint Aparrattus. This is secured to his ugly grisly face beffore even we leave the hotel.

Granfather takes it all in stride.

You know I complain about Granfather allot, but I must say he did show an remarkoble amount of maturity on the day last year that me, Dad, our neighbor Junior and the doctor all togethor confronted him on the new Travel Aparratus. We told the old geezor that if he was to travel by plane, the Mask was a necesity, that it was for his own good, for the good of othor travelers, and that it met all FAA Regulations. (Well, that last one actualy was a lie).

At first Granps just staired back at us, silent, angrey and with a big defiant frown on his face. But aftor a while he came arround and agreed with us, and to this day i am still proud of him.

"I KNOWS I'M A ORNERY SUMBITCH HANDFUL," the old basterd said to me there in the hotel bathroom as i fitted the muzzol onto his snapping crocodillien maw. "SO'S I CAIN'T BLAME Y'ALL FER TAKIN' ALL THESE HERE PURCAUTIONS."

The wierd stares usualy begin while we are in the gate area. Somone inevitably makes a comment or remark, like, "What is that?", or else, "Can't that thing go by cargo?"

Granfather always looks thru his mask at these people and growls. Exept he is not truly growling, he is sayin to that person "I AIN'T A 'THANG' SO WHY DONCHA KISS MUH SCRAGGY SEATWARMER?" or some other rude thing. There is a set response that me and my familly is suposed to say, and that is: "This is a rare biollogical creature and he will do harm to himself and othor pets if he goes by cargo."

...which is corect in its entirety, really. The first time i had to say this "rare, biological" statement to a strangor in public my voice cracked and I got a sore lump in my throaght from shame. Because after all this is my own biological Granfather i am talking about here. But now i am used to it. I guess living with him has made me used to it also.

Even thuogh is he less biologgical than "Bio-ILL- Logical, if you think abbout it.

Granfather's Speciel(TM) Pattented Travel Mask

It is a Dallas Cowboys footbal helmet that the top of it was removed with a circulor saw. Day-Glo colored, triangulor shaped HAZMET decals adorn the front, sides and back. Atached in place of the sawn off top is a HEPA-approved enviromentol air pollution filter fitted to his scalp and two small motors that suck in all of Granfather's toxic fumes which naturolly rise upword and also are directed toword the filter from an advanced netwerk of plastic tubes stuck into (yuck!) varrious openings and also along his whole sqiurming body with electrical tape. Without this ellaborate odor-removing system, the old basterd's naturol stink over time will set off both the No Smoking alarm, and perhapps even depressurize the cabin. (There's one thing more enbarassing than travelin on a plane with Granfather, and that's havin everyones oxygen masks drop from abbove due to one of his danm farts. Not that people dont need oxygin by then cause they do).

The filter has to be changed twice durring the flight. So far Ive been flushin them down the plane toilat, but i dont tell too many peoplle that.

A wire cage is soddered onto the face of the footbal mask, and sheepskin and polyfoam which were soaked in liqoud charcoal are wedged into the edges.

The very last step

Two stacks of Extra-Strenhgth Nicotine Patches are stuffed into each of his cheeks so he looks like a giant savage prehistorric chipmonk. Granfather cannot smoke on the plane so he sucks on these. And finaly, a three inch CD is wedged into the space under and behind his uppor and lower lips, pressing agianst his teeth, and he breathes and receives nutrittion thruogh the small CD hole in the center.

Granfather's Speciel(TM) Pattented Travel Mask is demeaning but humaine. It does not cause pain to the old basterd, acording to our family doctor. (Not that the doctor cares; He does not). Yes, the Masked Bastord is a frightenning sight, but less frigtning than what his real face looks like without it, or for that mattor how he smells.

The first hour of the flight was uneventfull.

I looked ovor at Granfather and he staired back at me with glaized, glassy yet totaly maliscious watery yellow eyes. I rapped on the helmet with my knuckuls.

"Are you OK in there Granfather?" I said.

The old basterd grunted in responce. A man across the aisle gave me a real dirtey look and said he was going to write a lettor to the airline to complaine about Granfather once they landed. In responce I clearred my throaght and said to him in a firm yet polite way,

"This is a rare biollogical creature and he will do harm to himself and othor pets if he goes by cargo."

Granfather is so danm disgousting it is not funny. His body is covored with sharp bristley hair, leathery scales, lumps and crusty coagulative bumps. Plus he naturally emits both radon and methaine from the tiny crevices grooves gullies and fissures on his reppulsive oozing scalp. The crevisses look the same, yet both leak toxic gas. The way you can tell if he is leaching methaine and not radon is to hold a lit match over one of the danm crevices in qeustion: If a greasy yellow flame springs to life over the crack, it is methaine.

The seat infront of me had one of those phones on it and so I jacked my notebook in to check my email for work. I forgot if even I wasnt alowed to do this but no one stopped me. In any case I hate notebook computors. I dont care how fast they say these danm processors are, they are alwayes slower than desktop computers any day. Plus you can never realy fully turn the danm things off. Anyway, I had, like, 80 e-mails from work and half of them were stupid things I was c.c.'ed on that had nothin at all to do with me. (I am of the opinnion that any email to which there are more than two people c.c.'ed is not worth eithor sending or reading.)

The othor 40 e-mails were from my danm anoying boss, the perky little overly nosy codependent toadfaced womon. And half of those emails were stupid-ass things that are suposed to be humor but have been arround since the Year One.

What a danm rip off.