Wedgie Page update


by Walter Miller, 1996

Welcom to Star Trek: Voyager Stealth Wedgie written by me an my granfather. It has a surprininly well-developed plot, an is quiet funny. We also claborated on a StarTrek The Next Genorattion spoof which i actualy think is funnier-You decide.

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Star Trek: Voyager


Steath Wedgie

(Scene 1--Tom Paris's pool hall holodeck program)

Paris: Say Harry, see the blond in the corner? Go for it, man. She likes you.

Kim: No way! If Chakotay found out, and ended the program in the middle, think how messy it would be...AND embarrassing.

Paris: You've got to stop worrying about your reputation, Mr. Kim.

Kim: I still HAVE a reputation, Mr. Paris.

Hologram: Hey! Let's play pool!

Paris: Take a look around you, Harry. You're 75 light years into space. You won't be meeting any new women. Who are you going to end up with, say, ten years from now? The captain?

Kim: (shuddering) Ooh! I just got a shivering willie! No thanks!

Paris: So go for the blond

Kim: A hologram? It's not a real woman!

Paris: (whispering) Yeah, but it sure beats "testing the old weapons array" in your quarters on lonely nights.

Kim: You promised not to tell anyone!

Paris: About your "self-diagnostics?" Let me tell you pal, you're not the only one on Voyager doing "solo missions".

Kim: You're disgusting.

Paris: (smirking) I do my best.

Hologram: Hey! Rack 'em up! Let's play pool!

Paris: Just a minute, fella.

Hologram: I said, play!

Paris: You're starting to annoy me, guy

Hologram: Oh, yeah?

Paris: Watch it Harry!

(hologram levels a pool cue, jabs Kim from behind; with an upward jerk he hikes Kim's trousers up sharply;

Kim: Aargh!

(Kim collapses unconscious)

Paris: Computer! End program!

(Scene 2--Sick Bay)

Doctor: (impatiently) Have we found the problem YET, Kes?

Kes: Well, there's a minor rectal area contusion

Kim: I feel so humiliated...I tell you, it just came out of nowhere.

Doctor: (sarcastic) Thank you for the compliment. We holograms DO come out of nowhere.

Tuvok: We have found no problems with the holodeck. As there are no aliens in this sector, I shall investigate this as an internal hostile incident.

Kes: Internal is right. Look!

Doctor: Polyester clothing fibers, way up...way up where they should NOT be.

Kim: You OK, Kes? You're sweaty, and your eyes are bloodshot.

Kes: I must be undergoing another adolescent biological Ocampa rite of passage that I was never told about.

Doctor: Oh joy...Hmph! This confirms it. Captain, report to sick bay at once.

Janeway: (on speaker) On my way.

Kes: This confirms what?

Doctor: Mr. Kim is the victim of an ancient earth ritual that was abandoned centuries ago, around the time poverty and war were also eliminated on earth: A wedgie.

Kes: A what-gie?

Doctor: A Wedgie. A cruel, inhumane attempt at humor at the expense of another.

Tuvok: They were, I believe, first developed by earth savages, and re-popularized by the Cardassians during their conquest of Bajor.

(Janeway enters)

Janeway: Doctor, report.

Doctor: It's as we feared.

Janeway: (nodding) Wedgies. And to think we've somehow found this scourge of humanity all the way in the Delta Quadrant. How's my little man in uniform holding up?

Kim: I'm doing fine, Mommy--I mean Captain.

Janeway: Anything we can get for you?

Kim: Maybe someone can get my teddy bear from my quarters.

Janeway: Get it for you? I'll have it beamed directly to sick bay.

Kes: Doctor! I'm feeling shame too!

Doctor: That's because you too Kes, have been the victim of a wedgie. According to this scan, it occurred about 2:00 hours.

Kes: But I was asleep!

Doctor: Yes. But I cannot explain this mass of synthetic matter wedged in your glutemal cleavage...Right next to this disgraceful "Kes Loves Neelix" tattoo

Kes: (giggle!)

Doctor: I'm reading a complex foreign object, about 320 grams, with multiple absorbant, spongy fibrous layers encased in an elasticized polyvinyl shell.

Tuvok: You just described an adult undergarment.

Doctor: Ah yes. It's a McCoy Model 76, named for the Starfleet medical officer who originally developed it for personal use. It seems he served on active duty to an unusually old age. Kes, why are you wearing a diaper?

Kes: Because I'm only two years old!

Scene 3