Star Trek: Voyager Stealth Wedgie

(Scene 5 continued)
By Walter Miller, 1996


Neelix: You're hair is looking awful nappy, Kazon. Does this look familiar? I must say, it makes a mighty delicious spread!

Janeway: Quiet, Neelix!

Kazon: My jar of hair slime! Hand it over, Talaxian!

Janeway: You Kazon are too stupid to do this on your own. Who helped you?

(Seska's smiling face moves into view on the screen)

Seska: (mock sweetness) Hello, Chakotay!

Chakotay: Its...Seska!

Tuvok: Commander Chakotay, you are visibly trembling with rage.

Chakotay: I...I can't believe it!

Seska: Why are you so surprised? My scaly Cardassian face is bound to show up in some conspiracy-related plot, about, oh, every week or so.

Kazon: Seska, let's blow up their ship!

Seska: Silence, male underling!

(she reaches behind and gives him a fast wedgie)

Kazon: OW! Yes, Seska!

Seska: That's MAGE Seska, male worm!

Kazon: I mean, YES, Mage Seska!

Seska: That's better. Now tell the captain our terms.

Kazon: Uh, yes, Mage. We're willing to make a deal Captain.

Janeway: I'm listening.

Kazon: You can have your wedgie technology back--in return for transporter technology.

Janeway: Over my dead body.

Kazon: That can be arranged. Fire weapons!

Seska: Belay that order!

(Seska gives the Kazon another hard wedgie)

Kazon: OOww! That hurt!

Tuvok: I now see the danger of wedgie technology. In no time, Seska has brought the entire Kazon race to its knees.

Seska: I'm giving them all our secrets, Chakotay! Like the power-wedgies you and I gave to the enemy, back in the days of wine and roses!

Chakotay: I'll get you for this, Seska!

Kazon: We want your transporter technology NOW or you all die!

Seska: I said, not YET, you miserable cur!

(Seska gives the Kazon another cruel, two-fisted wedgie)

Kazon: AARGH! On second thought, just TAKE the wedgie technology back! I don't know why we wanted this scourge to begin with! It's destroying us!

Janeway: I'll bet it is.

Kazon: Tuvok! Please, do as we discussed secretly: Erase Seska's frontal lobe of all wedgie skill and knowledge: Kazon Security Access Code Beta Alpha Four!

Tuvok: Transfering authorization...Erasure complete.

Kazon: Aha, Seska! Now I'm in charge again!

Seska: Y-y-yes, Mage. Sorry, Mage.

Janeway: Now get the hell out of here, Kazon!

Kazon: Helmsman; back to the home world, Warp Two!

(View screen goes out; the Doctor pops on)

Doctor: Well, Captain, Mr. Tuvok, you've saved the day. The threat of wedgies in the Delta Quadrant is no more.

Chakotay: But how did they sneak on our ship to give us stealth wedgies?

Janeway: The wedgies were performed by virtual reality on the Kazon ship's holodeck. Then they were sent here in holographic form through sub-space transmission.

Torres: Why couldn't our sensors pick them up?

Doctor: They were transmitted through simple sound waves, too high-pitched for humanoids to hear--much like a whistle only dogs can hear. I was slightly conscious of them, because they came in holographically, and I am a hologram. And Mr. Neelix was able to slightly sense the transmissions, as his people are descended from domesticated canine-like mammals on his home world.

Neelix: (giggle) Well, what can I say? Woof woof!

Tuvok: But I got the clearest signal of all. After I mind-melded with the dog brain, I was able to sense high-pitched sound waves, and heard actual Kazon voices on our ship.

Torres: ...Which were projected here from THEIR ship! DAMMIT, DAMMIT, I should have known!

(Torres punches and kicks console; it cracks, and sparks fly)

Janeway: Easy, B'Elanna

Chakotay: Captain! Stop picking on her because she's Maquis!

Tuvok: All of my ears became quite sensitive to the sounds. After that, we merely contacted the Kazon, and offered to meet.

Janeway: What do you mean ALL your ears; you only have two.

Tuvok: I do not. I have three. Only two are visible.

Doctor: Mr. Tuvok is correct.

Janeway: THREE ears?

Tuvok: Yes, as do all Vulcans: A left ear...A right ear...and a Final Front Ear!

(they all laugh)

THE END


Hope you liked it. I also have a StarTrek:TNG spoof off my main home page. Its also somwhat toilet humour rellated. (Now all I need is another bodily function, and a Deepspace 9 idea, Ha ha)

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