Janeway: Quiet, Neelix!
Kazon: My jar of hair slime! Hand it over, Talaxian!
Janeway: You Kazon are too stupid to do this on your own. Who helped you?
(Seska's smiling face moves into view on the screen)
Seska: (mock sweetness) Hello, Chakotay!
Tuvok: Commander Chakotay, you are visibly trembling with rage.
Chakotay: I...I can't believe it!
Seska: Why are you so surprised? My scaly Cardassian face is bound to show up in some conspiracy-related plot, about, oh, every week or so.
Kazon: Seska, let's blow up their ship!
Seska: Silence, male underling!
(she reaches behind and gives him a fast wedgie)
Kazon: OW! Yes, Seska!
Seska: That's MAGE Seska, male worm!
Kazon: I mean, YES, Mage Seska!
Seska: That's better. Now tell the captain our terms.
Kazon: Uh, yes, Mage. We're willing to make a deal Captain.
Janeway: I'm listening.
Kazon: You can have your wedgie technology back--in return for transporter technology.
Janeway: Over my dead body.
Kazon: That can be arranged. Fire weapons!
Seska: Belay that order!
(Seska gives the Kazon another hard wedgie)
Kazon: OOww! That hurt!
Tuvok: I now see the danger of wedgie technology. In no time, Seska has brought the entire Kazon race to its knees.
Seska: I'm giving them all our secrets, Chakotay! Like the power-wedgies you and I gave to the enemy, back in the days of wine and roses!
Chakotay: I'll get you for this, Seska!
Kazon: We want your transporter technology NOW or you all die!
Seska: I said, not YET, you miserable cur!
(Seska gives the Kazon another cruel, two-fisted wedgie)
Kazon: AARGH! On second thought, just TAKE the wedgie technology back! I don't know why we wanted this scourge to begin with! It's destroying us!
Janeway: I'll bet it is.
Kazon: Tuvok! Please, do as we discussed secretly: Erase Seska's frontal lobe of all wedgie skill and knowledge: Kazon Security Access Code Beta Alpha Four!
Tuvok: Transfering authorization...Erasure complete.
Kazon: Aha, Seska! Now I'm in charge again!
Seska: Y-y-yes, Mage. Sorry, Mage.
Janeway: Now get the hell out of here, Kazon!
Kazon: Helmsman; back to the home world, Warp Two!
(View screen goes out; the Doctor pops on)
Doctor: Well, Captain, Mr. Tuvok, you've saved the day. The threat of wedgies in the Delta Quadrant is no more.
Chakotay: But how did they sneak on our ship to give us stealth wedgies?
Janeway: The wedgies were performed by virtual reality on the Kazon ship's holodeck. Then they were sent here in holographic form through sub-space transmission.
Torres: Why couldn't our sensors pick them up?
Doctor: They were transmitted through simple sound waves, too high-pitched for humanoids to hear--much like a whistle only dogs can hear. I was slightly conscious of them, because they came in holographically, and I am a hologram. And Mr. Neelix was able to slightly sense the transmissions, as his people are descended from domesticated canine-like mammals on his home world.
Neelix: (giggle) Well, what can I say? Woof woof!
Tuvok: But I got the clearest signal of all. After I mind-melded with the dog brain, I was able to sense high-pitched sound waves, and heard actual Kazon voices on our ship.
Torres: ...Which were projected here from THEIR ship! DAMMIT, DAMMIT, I should have known!
(Torres punches and kicks console; it cracks, and sparks fly)
Janeway: Easy, B'Elanna
Chakotay: Captain! Stop picking on her because she's Maquis!
Tuvok: All of my ears became quite sensitive to the sounds. After that, we merely contacted the Kazon, and offered to meet.
Janeway: What do you mean ALL your ears; you only have two.
Tuvok: I do not. I have three. Only two are visible.
Doctor: Mr. Tuvok is correct.
Janeway: THREE ears?
Tuvok: Yes, as do all Vulcans: A left ear...A right ear...and a Final Front Ear!
(they all laugh)
Hope you liked it. I also have a StarTrek:TNG spoof off my main home page. Its also somwhat toilet humour rellated. (Now all I need is another bodily function, and a Deepspace 9 idea, Ha ha)
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