FALL 1997 WEDGIE PAGE UPDATE
Bruoght to you by Walter Miller Home Page(TM) Productions(R)
A Wedgeographical Tour:
'Hike' across the USA and salute each Region's Wedgies

THE SOUTH CENTROL U.S.

Neighborring state rivalries:

Yes 3 lovely states that border Texas, and one deranged haughtey Texan's responce

Below are recent lettors from Arkansaw, Oklohoma, and Loiusiana, that unbeknownest to me, GRANFATHER intorcepted from the printor tray. Also not known to me, the old bastord ANSWORED EACH LETTER. Those letters, folowed by their responces from the beast are reprodduced below in his trademark "ALL CAPS".

Like many Texans Granfather has a mean air of superriority over folks in the neghboring states. It is one of his many personallity flaws. Also, If he meets someone from Dallas he will say bad things abbout the Dallas Cowboys. Howevor, if he meets a non-Texan, he will boast of how good the Cowboys are and taunt that person that the team in their city stinks. Yes this is the mean old bastord for you.

I have said beffore, (here atcually), that if Heaven bordored Texas, Granfather woud jeer the angels.

Also, in his pittiless cruelty he ended each letter with this sig file:

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
WALTER IS AN IMMATURE YOUNG MAN WITH
MANY PERSONAL AND EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS.
I URGE YOU NOT TO CONDESCEND TO HIM
AND HIS CHILDISHNESS.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I TYPE IN ALL CAPS, BECAUSE
YES INDEED I AM SHOUTING.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I deepley appollogize in advance to the people of these states on behalf of my demmented Granfather.

If this does not convince you that he is so wantonnly and grattuittousley mean for no reason at all then i dont know what will.

Here are the letters:

(To get the full efect, please immagine Granpy's responces as bein said by someone with a rurol accent screaming at the top of his lungs with a cigarete cletched tight in his teeth--because thats his danm regulor speaking voice.)

Arkansaw

Dear Walter,

I have a new wedgie for you! Its called the Upstairs Wedgie, and it was invented here in Arkansas. It's when one boy carries another up the stairs of the house by his elastic.

I love your page!

Mrs. F. in Ark.

- - - - -

DEAR MRS. F.
I ASSUME YOU ARE LYING. I ASSUME THAT ARKANSAS CANNOT HAVE AN 'UPSTAIRS' WEDGIE, AS NO RESIDENTIAL DWELLINGS EXIST THERE BESIDES ONE-STORIED RURAL SHACKS.

AND WHEN ONE ASSUMES, HE OFTEN MAKES AN "ASS" OUT OF "U" AND "ME". BUT I ASSUME THE ONLY ASSES HERE ARE "U" AND WALTER.

SINCERELY,

WALTER'S GRANDFATHER
(MY TRUE NAME IS OF NO CONCERN TO YOU)

* * *

Oklahoma

Walter,

I must write and tell you of The Oklahoma Rodeo Wedgie. I saw it at an amateur rodeo 5 years ago. A young buckeroo fell off his horse and a bull snagged him on the way down. The tip of the horn hooked the guy's skivvies and YEEEHAW! That baby cowboy hung in midair for 3 or 4 seconds in the most perfect wedgie scene ever seen 'round these parts.

Mr. M in Oklahoma

- - - - -

DEAR M.

I CONGRATULATE YOU FOR SPELLING YOUR STATE CORRECTLY. I SEE THAT A STATE WHICH HAS AM OFFICIAL STATE SONG WHERE THE NAME OF THE STATE IS SPELLED OUT, ("O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A!") HAS PAID OFF FOR ILLITERATES LIKE YOURSELF.

I WAS UNAWARE THAT OKLAHOMANS EVEN WORE UNDERPANTS.

SINCERELY,

WALTER'S GRANDFATHER
(MY TRUE NAME IS OF NO CONCERN TO YOU)

* * *

Loiusianna

Dear Walter,

I laughed SOOO hard at your web site! Here in rural Louisiana we have the Drag 'Em Up wedgie. Do you know when someone is glued to the computer and won't get off? Well just take a pair of pliers, grip the top strip, and PULL baby pull. Ive used it on both my husband and my brother and both flew out of that chair fast. Its a great time saver!

Mrs. S., Louisiana

- - - - -

DEAR MRS. S.,

A GREAT TIME SAVER INDEED, AS DEMOGRAPHIC PERCENTAGES IN YOUR STATE WILL SHOW THAT THIS "HUSBAND" AND "BROTHER" OF YOURS ARE LIKELY THE SAME PERSON.

BUT PLEASE DO NOT BE INSULTED. I REALIZE YOUR STATE LAWS RECOGNIZE THE MARRIAGE AS PERFECTLY LEGAL.

SINCERELY,

WALTER'S GRANDFATHER
(MY TRUE NAME IS OF NO CONCERN TO YOU)

* * *

(I wrote back to each of these peopple and I oppologized. A letter from New Mexico, the 4th state that bordors Texas also came in, but Granfather never bothored to answor becuase in his stupiddity he beleives New Mexico it is part of annother country.)

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