Fall 1997 Wedgie Page Update
Bruoght to you by Walter Miller Home Page(TM) Productions(R)
Fammily Wedgie Tales: Story 1 of 4
As old dark and deep as they getYou may be askin yourself: Ecxactly How old are Wedgies? You may also want to ask, How old is the Human Race? Well bellive it or not theyre almost the same age!
Yes wedgies not only go way "UP", they go way "back."
What appears on this page is less of a story, and more realy of an anthroppological Family Geneallogy. (Or shoud i say, Wedgiollogy)
Granfather is of Germon-English extratcion, but let us start way, WAY back. First, his rellatives began walking uprihgt sevoral eons later than regulor humans. (While most huemans had been gradduated to the monkey stage, the old bastord's lineage was still probly somwhere between primordial goo and trilobyte).
But finaly they did evolve.
At some point, my sub-human ancestor's even less human, pre-human ancesters slithored across the Alps into France's Neandor Valley. There, only decades ago, locol youngsters discovored prehistorric Neandorthol cave paintings. This crude yet graceful art deppicted the gentle apelike creatuores being terrorrized by a skinny evil-eyed annorectic sub-species of their tribe.
One large scary cave mural in particoulor shows a gaunt monster atacking the more peacefull ones. Their faces are gripped with terror as the skinny warlike monkeyman hikes and wedges their mastodon fur garments into their own stout and stocky buttocks. (Did you evor go to the musuem and see one of those panoramas where they have the Neandorthol mannekins all bug eyed in fear with the crap scared out of them because one of them just invented fire by misteak? The cave murol looks sort of like THAT, ecxept with the poor fellas gettin somthin rough and wooley shoved up thier ass.)
Thus the verritoble invention of the scourge we know as The Wedgie.
A dark day dawns. (A dark 'crack' of dawn)
This is no supprize. Think about it. Suppose you are livving in a tribe that walks semi-upright and sort of bent over, in the days before ellastic was inventad so everyone wears loose clothes, and your brain is the size of a tangerine. So, woudnt you think, with ALLLL those butt cracks showing, that the invention of WEDGIES woud of crossed SOMEONES mind?
Well it did. Becuase that evil skinnier Neandorthol on the mural was the frightning picture image of present day GRANFATHER.
All i can say is this:
Good thing they were in the middle of an ice age. If they didnt have that cold snow to put on their ass, who knows woud of hapenned by the time the Cro Magnons atacked.
...and into the pressent Day:
Yes, sadly, the first thing that opposibble thumbs were ever used for were to give wedgies to other simian races. (As they were too dumb to invent the atom bomb mabye this wasnt so bad.)
A Warlike, Wedgie-waging Species
How he evolved
When my tiny brained Granfather stands upright with his long, gorilla-like arms at his side, his huge knobbed knuckols atcualy descend just past his knee. These long arms and fingors, his long curved nails, his stooped, trotting apelike lope when he walks, and his evolved abillity to silently sneak up on prey from behind all show an evolved propensitty for savage, weaponless wedgie-wielding warfare.
In recent years sceintists now say that the anceint Neanderthols of France's Neandor Valley were a seperate branch of the evolutionery tree, and not related to modern man at all. This may be true. (Oddley, the part of his lineage that ofends Granfather the most is not that he is descended from Neandorthals, but that he might be rellated to the French.)