Fall 1997 Wedgie Page Update

Bruoght to you by Walter Miller Home Page(TM) Productions(R)

Family Wedgie Tales: Storey 2 of 4


Once white, crisp and clean, now brown, smelly and wrinkoled.

Get your mind outof the guttor, folks, i am NOT talkin abbout SOMEONE'S UNDORWEAR. I do howwevor refer to an old parchment thats been in our Family for almost 2 centurries. It is a written acount of FAMILY WEDGIE LORE.

I am mostly German-American on Granfather's side. But to disasociate himself from the evil bastord, my Dad changed his name as a yuong man to the nondecsript "Miller" which is the most common Germannic surname here in the Unitad States.

Yah: We are indeed ethnic Krouts.

Specificly, half Pennsylvania Dutch, on the old bastord's side. (Specificly, his back side.)

There are many historicol Wedgie episodes thruought the ages, and perhaps in the future they will be repproduced on these pages. But for this story, we now dig deep behind us to the year 1806. The place? What is now southeastorn Pennsylnavia.

There, on the banks of the muddy brown Schortzupyour Creek, was a homestead of one of the old sonnoffobbich's forefathers.

An ammazing Family resenblence to GRANFATHER

In the below partchment, he is referred to as "Brother _____" becuase the supersticious Pennslyvania Dutch of the time felt it was an old German curse to write or speak his name outloud.

I recieved it a copy of it from my Uncle William and it is repproduced below. (While the shame of Granfathers past is nothin to be proud of, atleast it is a comfort to see that peopple spelt as bad as me in those days).

The grammar is a little old and wierd too. Yes: even thuogh people talked funny in those days they coudnt excape WEDGIES.


OFFICIAL NOTICE

OF

SHUNNING

AND

BANNISHMENT

Drawn up in Schortzupyour Creek Meeting House
On this day
8th d. Nov, A.D. 1806
Woolupyour Valley Townshippe
Commonwealth of Pennsya.
These Ud. States of America

IT IS HEARBY DECLARED:

The one Known to all in our Parts as Brother _____ is Hearby and dutiffly BANISHED from the Settlement of his borough efective this date.

No Persen is to converse with Brother _____
No Persen is to hoist a tankard with Bro. _____
No Person is to feed or clothe, or lend to or borrow from Bro. _____ OR THEY TOO WILL BE BANNISHED.

No Female Person is to commence relations with Bro. _____ or she shall be drowned.

These Facts be THEY,
as were pressented to the Council of Elders on the Abbove date. All What transpired is conffirmed by the testimony of many and multytude:

WHEREAS:
Third Sunday past in the company of all, Brother _____ was observed in the Meeting House leering with great disrespect at Frau Schultz. Afterward, Bro. Schultz confronted Bro. _____ on his transgresion. Great discord arose between the two with crude mocking dellivered by the Instigattor.

MOREOVER LET IT BE RECORDED:
There anon in the east Yard, did Bro. _____ most savagely grip the hem of the other and Heave with cruel vigor until which time passed as the garment was rent asunder and soiled within and thruout.

The INTERVENING of Bro. Hesse
Good Bro. Hesse interceded and was met with lewd ridicule of Frau Hesse and A Great Beating for himself. Forthwith this Good man too suffered a RIVEN TROUSER SKIRT wrung upward and behind himself at the doing of Bro. _____ much to his immediate discomfort and with loud wails of Agony heralded afar away as Blue Ball Township.

Upon departure of the resultant assembly in the East yard Bro. _____ did exclaim profanely the words "ACCURSED YE BE ALL!" whilst then he pressed a forefinger to one side of his nose and strenuously discharged its contents from the other with Fourcefull vitality and wanton lack of Shamefull countenance in the Presence of his neighbours.

THE INCIDDENT WITH BRo. Himmel ONE fORTnIGHT HENCE.
A trap being Driven by Bro. Himmel proceeded westerly on the highway to Lebanon Town. Being in mowed feilds near no persons he did encounter A WAGON.

Said wagon, in the employ of Bro. Linze and laden on High with goodly meats and Hams for market stood broken by the Road's edge. Its goods were removed and strewn about. Beastly growls and tempestuous motion emmitted from within the Wagon which quaked most violently.

Bro. Himmel spied Bro. Linze lain prone in the mud with bolts of his own garments pressed backwise in his bottom and after aid declared he to Bro. Himmel: 'Tis the Devvil in my Waggon.

WHEREAS:


Replied the Beast as known as Bro. _____ who emerged in great encrustation of jellied hams about its specteral visage
'TIS MY WAGGON AND LO, ALL ITS GOODLY MEATS BE MINE.

Whilst Bro. Himmel is Known of Greater size than Bro. _____ he did with quickness set upon him with horsewhip ahand.

BUT TOO DID HE SUFFER.
And so did he retire bleeding and nakad with Great Fear across the mown fields, and does he to this day retain WOOLENS of his own irretrievabley cleaved into his Body.

AND WHEREAS:
Poor Bro. Himmel furthermore and likewise due to his wounds From the Evil Brother _____ does henceforward populate his Pew in the Meeting House ONLY WHILST STANDING.

Also the Horse whippe has never been retrieved tho' the stump of it can be seen.

This all being reported in greatspeed to the Elders of the burgh.

By Sundown next was a pair of Armed Constables called to serve Bro. _____ with a summons. With a hay fork did the ACCUSED ONE harm the constables with a compression of linen atached and pulled upword.

Yea, This be no common Two-Pronged hay fork of Pennsylvania employed by Bro. _____ but a TRIDENT of 3 tines as surely was Borrowed from his dark Master and forged in the Fiery Depths.

ACCOUNT OF tHE EVENING NEXTE.
Swiftly &. With great haste eve nexte did all the menfolk of the Township descend on the stead of Bro. _____.

The Serpent hitherto liveth alone, nigh but two harvests past he did share quarters with one poor waif of a youthfull male relative. This being a descendent of the second generation and aged 20 years or thereabouts who later did Testiffy to the Elders of how he served by fource the Beast Bro. _____ as his chattel Slave AND SUFFERRED DAILY MASHED GARMENTS WRUNG UP HIS SCANTY ARSE.

As the crowd advanced bearing torches armed with rake and hoe at the cabin threshhold did apear and stand the Beast Bro. _____ flailing and cursing in a wilde manner. It wheeled about to face away from the citizenry and upon raising its haunches whilst exposing lower rear extremities did fourcefully and without hindrance in the Dirreection of the torches RELEASE WITH A LOUD VOLLEY A GREAT CLOUDDE OF MOST NOXIOUS GASS.


The partchment ends there and the rest is burned off. Acording to my Uncle they arent sure if either Bro. _____ laid anothor "Cloude Bombe" near a candle which caused an exploasion during his trial or else wedged the doccument up the ass of the head Elder during a lator wedgie attack while he was plowing the south 40.

In any case theres a burnt brown stain on one egde and no words below it.

a Depression Era tale of "depressed tails"