FALL 1997 WEDGIE PAGE UPDATE
Bruoght to you by Walter Miller Home Page(TM) Productions(R)
Eye-"WET"-ness to World Wedgies: The Latest Lettors about Wedgies from Arround the WorlD

MORE Wegdies From THE AMERICAS

In this latest Wedgie Page update for Fall '97, the Unitted States of America is covored RIGHT HERE. Yet we U.S. citizens must reallize that 'America' stretches from Pole to Pole, and therefore we have a separrate listing....Speaking of 'poles' we begin with:

Jamaica

Hello Mon from Jamaica!

My name is Kenny. In your last update you wrote about how the British brought Wedgies to their colonies.

I agree!

In private school we called them a Union Jack after the flag of the United Kingdom. Blue and red crossed with the white shorts looks like a Union Jack in your bum. Know what I mean, Walter? Blood (red) and bruise (blue) and white from the white man's scourge.

My bum was even hooked to a flagpole once. But not to the top of the pole, but to the hand crank just one meter off the ground. Oh, Mon it still hurt!

Kenny in Kingston

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Dear Kenny,

The Union of cotten, flesh and anger alwayes hurts like hell, Mon. Let me ask you: Granfathor loves Jammaican Red Stripe beer. I woud be currious as to any particuoulor signiffocance for the name 'red stripe', speaking wedgywise that is.

Your freind,

Walter Miller

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Peru

My e-mail suorces in this beutiful freindly South Americon country tell of a Wedgie metaphore that orriginated way back in the Pre-Collumbian era of Inca loincloths and survives to the present day. It is:

"Tiene un conejín." It means, litorally, "He has a little rabbit".

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Canada

Hey Hoss,

K. here, from Ontario, Canada. Your page is real interesting. I want to hear more. Has creating a webpage served as a pressure-release valve for the stresses of your day-to-day life?

To the point: wedgie information. Up here, in the small town where I grew up (pop. 1200), innovative local rogues introduced the dreaded, crippling "Chainlink Fence Wedgie". It's a hard, cruel manouver in which the bully, or alternately, a whole detachment of malcontents, lifts the victim til the rear band of his briefs (like all Wedgies, briefs are preferable) can be hung snugly from the top of a chain-link fence. Upon release, the inimical forces of gravity which forever imprision us serve also to effectively hyper-Wedge the victim, often resulting in torn shorts and instantaneous development of painful piles. Devastating.

The cruel ne'er-do-well who introduced me to this practice was a lanky, acne-pinkened troglodyte named Lenny. He would thusly hyper-wedge youngsters with impunity during recess and after school hours.

Hope to hear from you,

K. of Canada

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Dear K,
You, Sir are a gifted writer. Plus your speling is bettor that mine. Thanks for your kind insites.

Your freind,

Walter Miller

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Panama

The Pannama Canal wasnt the first wet brown thing to slice this narrow isthmus nation at the hand of bully Northern jingoists. At least 2 notes from lovely Panama describbe wedgies with the local phraise:

"Esta ahorcando el padre" which translattes into English as: "It is strangling the father".

Disturbing, this one. I havvent quite figoured out if it's father as in "Dad" or as in a priest.

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Brazil

Dear Walter,
Hello from Brazil! Your stupid and very corrupt President Clinton was just here. He spent his time rudely insulting Brazil. First he lectured us that "corruption is endemic to Brazilian culture." He regretted saying this, but the damage was done as our Chief Justice refused to dine with him.

His whole time in Brazil, Mr. Clinton foolishly spoke Spanish, and here we speak Portuguese.

When our President Cardoso invited him to a state dinner at the Presidential Palace, your rude President cavalierly sent word to change the time it is held.

Mr. Clinton then insulted our capital city of Brasilia as "dry, sterile and soulless." He insulted our city of Rio de Janeiro calling it "one of the most dangerous cities in the world."

He insulted our largest city of Sao Paulo with crude and shocking remarks (surely in jest) about motorists stuck in traffic jams who at least have time to copulate in their autos, and probably do so without the benefit of Astroturf on which to lie upon in the back seat.

To protest these undiplomatic comments, some Brazilians pelted Mr. Clinton's limousine with animal manure. His response to this was more jokes.

And now about Wedgies: I enjoy your Wedgie Page very much. I wonder if your poor President did not suffer from Wedgies as a child. If so, this explains the damage to his brain, considering the close proximity of his brain to his behind.

I speak and write some English, but a student of English helped me write this. I found The Wedgie Page from a Web site in Brazil of the Top 100 Web sites. Perhaps I will write later on wedgies in Brazil. Surely wedgies are an American export. I did find some humor in your Web site, but none in your president.

Sincerely Yours,
Mr. J. in Rio de Janeiro
(A much safer city than Washington D.C.)

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Dear Mr. J.

First let me proffusely appollogize to you for our President. What can i say. Somtimes hes wittey and errudite, yet othor times hes not on his best behhavoir.

It coud of been worse: Our last president went to Jappan and threw up on some guests durin supper. The one before that used to FALL ASLEEP during supper. And the one beffore that went to Mexico and made fun of Montazumas Revvenge durin supper. (I dont remembor any Presiddents beffore that but im sure they did enbarrassing things too--especialy durin supper.)

At least Mr. Clinton didnt give aneyone WEDGIES while in your countrey.

Your freind,

Walter Miller

P.S. About your English: I too get help with my English, so its nothin to be ashammed of.

P.S.S. Abbout the joke with respect to Astroturf in back seat durin a traffic jam: Our president is very fond of grattuitous copulattion so I dont think he thoght it was a joke.

Your freind,

Walter Miller

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Update on Wedgies In Affrica