WEDGIES ACROSS AMERICA

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Midwest

Cleaved by the Big Muddy, our nations midsecton has many regionol wedgies acording to my readers in places like Yankton, SD (52078), Spankey, IL 62031, and Greasy Ridge OH (with the lucky seqeuntial Zip of 45678).

The Superier Wegdie, like the Great Lake sharing its name, is large & DEEP. When done right, a new 'Greatlake' acumulates on victims shorts. Next is the Chicago Wegdie and I thank my readers at Northwestorn, Loyola & other instituts of higher educaton, higher elastic, and genoraly lower humor. In this winter wedgie, victims are dragged by there shorts acros the ice. In the 'Evenston' version, the ass turns that most peculior Northwestern purple color. Thanks also to Chicagoland fans in Ashburn (60652) and Stainfield (60545).

Finaly from Upper Midwest its the You Bet! Wedgie. Minesota & Wisconson folks are very friendly so its no wonder its the only 'social' wedgie in the US.

The You Bet! works between Wegie Giver and Getter somethin like this:

Giver: Looks your about to get a wedgie!

Getter: Ya, You bet!

Giver: Dont wanna ambush you, now. Mind bendin over?

Getter: You bet!

Giver: Did that hurt?

Getter: Oh, hell yah, YOU BET...

Of cuorse in smaller towns the conversaton often continus briefly with the usual:

Seeya at the lake this summer?
You bet!

These curteous wegdeis arent for eveyone but still its good to know before your gettin a good Bern (54411), or a nice Browning (54451) to the old Heinola (56567).

California

Oh East Coast ones they hurt,
They make my ass feel really rare.
And the Southern ones, well the way they feel,
Its like a footballs stuck up there.

The Midwest wedgy bullies
Really set them deep and tight.
And the Northern ones, well to pluck them out,
Will take you all danm frikkin night.

Yet as a mattor of fact I most certanly DONT wish they all coud be CALIFORNIA WEDGIES. Im origonly from the Golden State and my tender shorts were first sullied a sunny goldon color here many years back, under, as you guessed, the Govornor BROWN administraton. (Funny: Now they have a Senator 'Boxer.')

Here, amist naturol beuty & fine locales like Upland (91786), Hilt (96044), and even Waddington (95536), the Califonia wedgie is a kindor, gentler affair--more 'laid back' as oposed to PRESSED IN. The way it works is simple: Your wedgie is acompanied by cool surfer lingo. (Where do you think terms like 'tubulor' and 'gnarly' and even--Yuck!--'PURE GUAVA' came from?)

It works the same statewide, from Pudding Creek (95437) to Slide Inn (95335). But for Godsake wear only cotton breifs insted of wool lest you risk the painful Tweedy (90280)

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Apalachia

We 'End' with this region of hidden valleys & deep hollows--simply the most remarkoble area ofthe US for Wedgies. Coud it be the legacy of the Hatfields and McCoys? Or maybe that granfather's family lived here in the last century?

Take West Virgina a beutiful state with warm kind folk known as 'Almost Heaven'--but NOT for those gettin slimed.

Its where Packsville (25209) leads to Paynesville (24873); where you risk a Rough Run (26866) to your to Upper Tract (26866): yes 2 towns 'wegded' so close they share a zipcode. So when headed to that outhouse watch out for any Left Hand (25251) that mihgt Grippe (25314) the Cotton (25046) by your Fanny (24834) cause you sure as hell dont want a fresh Black Betsy (25159) anywere near Bottom Creek (24853).

Do I hear people in Kentucky laughin at there neghbors? Home of Brownie's Creek (40856), Burnwell (41518) and Blackbottom (40828)? Not to mention the fearful Waddy (40076), the dreaded Fisty (41743)?

Oh yes, you folks in nearby Virgina--you luagh too. Dont you know wegdies arent funny, they Hurt? (24563) That in England the name for a wedgie is a 'Grundy'? (24614) And NOT just for the butts o'men--but also for the Assawoman (23302). Think abuot THAT next time your Interior (24094) is in a Tight Squeeze (24531).

North Carolinians: lets be Brief (28107). Unless your Bottom (27030) is an Ironduff (28786) the Deep Gap (28618) of your Cheeks (27234) are also sucseptible to a Muddy Creek (27103). Plus youre just Upward (28731) from South Carolina, home of the Stuckey (29554) where we find Wedgefield (29168), Tugtown (29056) and the ubiquoitous Pickens (29671).

HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS 'HIKE' ACROSS THE USA

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