'Twas the night before Cristmas at the old Miller place
I laid awake stirring in fear of granfather's butt-ugly face.
Our trailor was stroon with his crap all asunder,
I hoped soon the old basterd would be sixfeet under.
Each day Id been hauling him up on the crapper
Where hed make noises loud enough to set off The Clapper
My daily routine was wiping and cleaning
Inturn, he abused me with griping and scraeming
I laid on my pillow for a quick 40 winks
And weaped as I relized how much mylife stinks.
Then sudenly I heard a hiddeus sound
On the door of my room,with his cane did he pound
"Open up!"he scremed loud, "You miserable maggot!"
He yelled at me more. He called me a fagot.
The door opened, & The wheelchar rolled toward me
His cane whacked me hard; he cut me & gored me
He barked at me loud, "Boy, get me my smokes!"
I lit him a Lucky; the cane jabbed with more pokes
Then he brougt up his grimicing face close to mine
I saw every boil, wart, wrinkle & line
The moonlite shined on his monstrous scowl
His breath was an elephants fart (but more foul),
His nose brushed my cheek; itwas rougher than pumice
On his teeth was brown stuff that looked like chewed hummus.
He screamed in a bloodcurdling clatter,
As my face and the wall got all drenched with brown spatter
He yeled "When I call, you come to me, hear?"
"Or Ill snuffout this cigaret right on your ear!"
"Put the TV on!" he cryed loud and heinous,
"Or with my bear hands Ill rip out your lungs thru your anus!"
When what to my watery eyes should apear,
Swerling lights and the sound of a siren out rear
Grampa trembled with rage, on his brow grew swett drops,
"Them nieghbors," he mumbled "Done aginn called the cops"
A loudspeaker cracked, "Come out now, and in peace!"
"Your under arrest!" cried the cheif of police.
More rapid than eagles his deputies came,
And he whistled, & shouted, & caled them by name;
"Now, SWAT TEAM! Now, STATE COPS! On, DISTRICT ATTERNEY!"
"You, AMBULLANCE CREW! Get that stun-gun and gurney!"
"To the trailer's front porch! To the sides of the ditch!"
"I'm finaly bagging this sonofabich!"
Granfather wheeled quikly downthe short hall,
He scremed, "Where's my shotgun? Ill kill'em one, kill'em all!"
They burst in the sidedoor, and thru the airvent up top,
Squeazed a hevily-armed, overweigt cop
Granpa shot first, and 3 men fell in mass
Then he whealed with great skill & shot 2 more in the ass
He was stuned to see they all were alert
It was loaded with rocksalt! So no cops got hurt!
Granpa snarled at them all, "I'll ecsape, by jiminy!"
...Then relized we lived in a trailer--NO CHIMNEY!
The cops opened fire, all at the sametime
He blew up in peices, all blood guts & grime
The man hadno heart--so they aimed for his brain
The sherif said, "Too bad he didnt feelpain."
"We'll take him," the cheif said, "We'll bury the creep."
So I then went to bed for a long winters sleep...
The very next morning I woke with a start
To a smell that was like a rhinoserous fart
And the beligerant sound ofa mad chimpanzee...
There sat old granpa scowlin at me!
I gotso upset, I wanted to scream
Granfather's demmise was olny a dream!
"It's Cristmas, you moron," growled the old crank
"So getout of that bed and stop wacking your frank."
"Your damn folks mailed presents," he belowed quite mean
"I crushed 'em lastnight in the trash compact machine."
"My holliday gift to you, you misserable varmint,"
"Is a fresh Yule Log or two in my adult undergarment."
"This Christmis you'll do as you every day do,"
"So get my damn brekfast or Ill crush you up too."
He was skinny & mean like satans own elf
And Istarted to cry in spite of myself
He yelled, with the cigaret tight in his teeth,
"Ill wrap your own colon 'round yer neck as a wreath."
"Now get on that Web, with no 'Ands', 'Buts' or 'Ifs'
"And find me some X-rated JPEGs and GIFs."
So I spoke not a word, but went straihgt to my
Enduring such insults like 'Wussy' an 'Jerk'
And shoving his finger wayup his nose
He puled out a booger that he wiped on my clothes
Then I fed the poor dogs, then got more abuse,
Then I cleaned the walls off ofmore tobacco juice.
When the day was over i turned out thelight
"A SAD CHRISTMAS TO LONLY ME, & TO ALL A GOODNITE"
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