Walter Miller's Homepage
"Anonymousely Projecting the Dishonestey of the Internet onto myself"

May 1997 Update

Page 1 of 5


Nothin but probloms

My life sucks. Lots of peopple write to me and say OH WALTER you have fame and fortune. But think about it. I have neithor. Granfather always says people dont luagh WITH me but AT me. I am bein made a fool of. But i keep doin my webpage becuase its the best way i can express my feelings.

But at the same time i feel like one of those big stupid conpanies that does nothin but talk about itself and which keeps on throwin resourses at the website: One day it will all pay off. (Or so we think)

But this is what realy gets me

Based on my mail, GEUSS WHOS the MOST populor person in my hompage:
GRANFATHER.

Many people who write in to me think the old bastord is charming in his own pevverse way. Well its not true, hes mean and abbusive. He says creul things to me. He acts demented all the time. All of it is true.

Almost arested for shoplifting

We are back in Texas now but if youve ben reading my updates you know we were in the Washington area for 2 weeks visiting my uncles. Also I took a work rellated side trip to N.Y. City that ill write about later in this update.

At my Uncles house who had all the cats, Granfathor discovered Fancy Feast Filet & Pate. (Atcually he discovored just the 'Pate' part; the chunkey portion on the bottom of the can he can live withuot). I wont go into the shoplifting eposode but it was only becuase I swore to the cops granfather was demented was he able to avoid arrest.

Back in my uncles car on the way back from the police statoin the old bastord kept sayin IT AINT BAD FER CATFOOD; HELL, THEY GOT LOREN BACALL TO DO THE COMERCIALS.

And also he kept pestoring my Uncle: "JEST TRY IT WITH THE POTATOE BREAD ZEKEY JEST TRY IT ONE TIME I TELLS YUH."

Another thing my readers shoud know about the smelly discousting evil demented old basterd:

I get a beating for no reason

Atcualy it was for a stupid reason. Belive it or not it had to do with MELROSE PLACE: Yes, I GOT A BEATING BECUASE OF MELROSE PLACE I SWEAR. Right now Im still seething but ill write about it once Im compoased.

Work sucks

I still drive to Austin once a week as a telecommutor. Any way you slice it its 3 huors ONE WAY even if I go 85 mph the whole time. Also as you know each week i write a columm for the Netly News (and i am NOT hyporlinking to them each time i mention them which is what THEY DEMAND...OK, I will do it just this one more time.)

The Netly people are much nicer than the people i work with here in Tex. but the job is still a pain in the ass. Im not gettin rich off them; its just one day a week. The problem is that I want to JUST be a writer and NOT a programmor but GEUSS WHAT: A big memo went around and Now all us Netley colunmists have to PUT IN THERE OWN HTML CODE and not just the simple code I use here in my homepage but all this complocated friggin Frame stuff.

I am NOT good at it

I am always in truoble because many of my colunms are coded wrong and have bad links. After I transmit the colunm people have to fix it for me. Its the SAME problem I have with my main job. Its enbarasing cause you always want to start a new job on the right foot.

Long ass boring meetings

Netly has a weekley staff meeting and I attend from home by conference call. The calls are like 2 huors long. Much of the talk is stuff like remindors not to smoke in the bathroons and people bitchin about the heat in the building and also to be sure to keep your pocketbook locked in your desk and friggin other peoples vacation scedules and inside jokes and pithy 'YOU HAD TO BE THERE' wittocisms and other danm crap that doesnt concern me but I HAVE TO be dialed in for the WHOLE DANM CALL cause those are the rules.

Plus theres always 2 or 3 othor people dialed in remotely too and you hear evereything they do, like snore and smack there lips.

For Godsake blow your nose

One guy whose also dialed remote never says a word but keeps clearin his throaght for the whole 2 hours. I think he does it on purpuse so people remembor hes there & dont forget to pay him. Its like hes got a danm football jellyfish stuck in his gullet.

Well Ill tell you what: Somtimes after i dial into the Netley staff meeting I take Granfather to the john, feed the dogs and once even went to the Mini Mart and they never know Im gone. But they do now. Like I care. Im still a little annoyed about what went on when we visited.

from Washington to N.Y. city

While at my Uncles house you know my laptop was ruined but i did go to a cybercafe to check my email. And i saw I had a email offor for some freelance work and also an inportant e-mail from my book agent: Both in New York which is just a few huors away from Baltomore by the Amtrack. So I called them both and made 2 apointments. Since id be in town I also called the Netly News for a 3rd meeting for the same day. Granfather said this woud be a good chance for him to go to the big librarey in N.Y City to do research about his upcoming court case so it woud be a busy day for the both of us and then that night wed both fly home.

Dad is pissed.

I had to call my dad in California to change the reservatoins. It seems like dad always gets pissed somwhere each month in these pages. This time it was becuase he got hosed on the price of changing our flight back from out of JFK instead of BWI. When we left Uncle Zeke, he whispored encuoragment for me to be strong now that i have knowlege of Granfather's Secret fear: "That With The Name Which Is Not Spokon".

We get to N.Y

We read the USA TODAY on the train abuot that un-named 63-year old womon who just gave birth. The old bastord looked concerned and mutterred to me about his bein with "WIMMIN APLENTY O'THET THAR VINTAGE OF LATE" but i told him he probly had nothin to worrey about. An if it were true SHE'D have more to worry about than him.

Granfather behaved OK on the train but begun to act like a idiot in Pensylvania Station in N.Y city. It was when we were puttin all our luggage in one of those lockers. The old bastord sees these people with Arkansaw shirts. Like many Texans, he unfairley makes fun of people in any of the neghboring states. If Heaven bordored Texas, Granfather woud jeer the angels. He wheeled up to these tuorists and referred to Arkansaw as "TEXAS'S OWN WILD KINGDOM PARK" and begen making that dopey goofy Mortimor-Snerd-like-Brett-Butler-ish voice he does real well.

I said to the old bastord STOP IT NOW or else hed spend the day in a twist-tied Hefty Steel-Sak stuffed in the adjacint lockor with a roll of socks in his moulth. If some of my fans in Arkansaw are reading this, like Danny, Julie, Jim Guy and perhaps Webstor Hubble I appologize for the behavier and creul remarks of my granfather about your fine state.

The first meeting