"NO, I DOSNT KNOW WHAT A 'AVATAR' IS, BUT I'M PURTY SHORE I GOT A BIG ASS ONE GROWIN' ON THE BACK O'MUH NECK NEXT TO THIS HERE BIG OLE BOIL."-- A typicol remark on a typicol day from somone who thinks he knows it all
"...I'LL HAND YOU THE CIGARET AN' YOU TRY AN' GIT IT."
Page 5 of 5
We rarely need to go to the librery cause granfather has between 30,000 and 50000 books of all kinds and hundred of thousand magozines. (And even when someof us are SUPOSED to be at the librery you might be at 'Peepland' instead). Granfathers books are mostly in unheated sheds so they get rancid but you can still read them if you dont mind mold dirt and rot.
We are outside and he gets this small gardoning spade in his hand and trys to get past me to head to one of the book buildings. I block his way but he springs from the wheelchair and crawls on his monkeylike hands and knobbey knees across the yard trailing a cloud of clay dust moving VERY extremly fast. Have you ever seen a giant cockroach when hes goin across the kitchen floor just when you come after him with the heavey WIRED Magozine rolled so tight its like a thick log and the roach knows hes goingto get his ass not just slapped but SQAUSHED. Well that fast.
Its only becuase of the cone shaped cardbord pet coller he always wears around his neck that the air resistence was hampored enough to slow him down and I coud catch him.
For years he kept it a seccret. The Car Vac i use on Granfathers disgiusting hairy body to remove deadskin and bugs and crusted soap and dirt doesent bother him. Also the Regena electric broom gives him a slightly pissed look but i always thought it was becuase of the interferrence with the TV that did it. If hes extremely drunk a small canistor deal on the upoulstrey or perhaps cleaning up a small dry mess MIGHT be alowed to go on in an adjoining room...
For the first time ever i saw FEAR cross Granfathers face. The machene hummed, and then I pressed the foot pedal down to the "Thick Carpet Pile" setting. The motor revved loudly; it foght my grip, pulling foward in my hand. Granfather stared back, his face frozon in raw anxeity, in nakad horror, shivering alarming terified panic, in baldfaced ass crapping fright...
Then I CHARGED him!!! He scampored around the trailer beggin me not to hurt him. He started that fake cryin he always does when he wants pitty or to manipoulate others but then i relized it WASNT FAKE!! I turned off the machene and told the measly misorable old bastord: THINGS ARE GOINGTO CHANGE AROUND HERE. (Begining with the sheets on his bed thats hes reffused to change for 13 days now. They were ready to danm walk themselfes to the washer.)
I finaly realized: Granfather was ALWAYS somwhere else, like out in the yard, whenever i did any serrious vacumeing. For years he said the smell of burnt dust bothored him. But now we know, just like other houshold pets like your frihgtened little dog or cat, GRANFATHERS GREATEST AND ONLY FEAR IS THE VACUUM CLEANOR.
And the upright models are the worst: I think it has to do with their mobillity and sence of presence.
James R., Cardiff, U.K.
Samuel in Harare, Zimbabwe
M. & Mme Martin, Paris France
Manhattan Jack (U.S. Forces in Germany)
A.B.E. in Birmingham England
Paul & Nancy, London Eng.
John in Belfast Irland
Charles In Charge (.nl -- holland?)
nick, Bristol (U.K.)
Squidgie, Butterbean, Dr. Julian Bashir (all in the UK)
Suzanne J., Canberra A.C.T. (australia)
Wedgie11, NSW Australia
Claude, Georgetown, Republic of Guyana South America
Rolf, Bonn Germany
Nigel, Devon, U.K.
-- List of people in the order they were received, who as promised have there name listed on Walter Millers Hompage for guessing "Granfathers greatest fear" as of midnight, Central Time 5/2/97. PLEASE NOTICE: Althuogh there was a multotude of entries, (over 2,000) there were NO CORECT GUESES from the North American Contonent!! What the HELL is wrong with you Americons & Canadeins? Even a danm Frenchey got it....And God Bless Britain, who even in the midst of a big Ellection took time to GUESS as well as VOTE. By the way, (and becuase I asked), all the Brits ecxept Squidgy, Dr. Julian Bashir & Nancy (London) were Torys. Go figuore.