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May 1998 Updaite

Page 3 of 7


"Witness To Trauma: The Granfather story"

The Sammy the Bull TV show was a few days and sevoral steak suppers after the "willow switch incodent." As you guessed, Granfather once agian was sufforing from constipation. I am sure hoping that the lettuce shortege in California and Arrizona due to El Nino ruining the crops gets clearred up soon, becuase there is an elderley man in the American heartland who desperratly needs his danm leafy greens.

You cannot bellieve how cranky this constippation this makes him. Of cource, I get the brunt of it. He actualy made me unplug the TV and wheel it into the bathroom so he coud watch and plop at the same time, in othor words to be propped up in case at any time the ossified plop descided it woud come; (and that night it didnt; Have you ever seen Black Strap Molassas tryin to make its way down the side of the barn when it is zero degrees outside? Well you get the idea.)

We already HAVE a rolling potty, which it woud of been easier to roll in the living room, but Granfather believes "that seat has a bad luck jinx on it" and besides hes allways done his best work in the bathroom. Can you belive how stupid he is?

Of cource to move the TV from the living room means you haveto disconnect the cable and the regulor TV reception was the latest thing in the bathroom I found to stink. I missed the whole part where Sammy 'The Bull' was smackin arround Big Paul's son-in-law in the construction office. This was a key part of the movie, becuase Big Paul was the Mob Boss at that time. Plus Uncle Zeke was sittin on the egde of the bathtub and his huge head was in the way and i coudnt see the TV set. And forget abbout hearing anything eithor, becuase Granfather kept cheerfully hollarin out with comnentery on the TV show the whole time.

Big Paul was played by Abe Vigoda and at one point Granfather stopped his bleating screams to stare intentley at the screen.

"DAMN, I THOUGHT I WUZ THE MONKEY-MAN O'THE MOB," Granfather muttered when the stooping veteran charactor actor apeared on screen. "BUT OL' ABE VIGODER'S GITTIN' PURTY DAGNAB CHIMPANZEE LIKE IN HIS OLD AGE."

Uncle Zeke told Granfather to SHUT UP cause he had to strain his ear to hear the program and it was givin him a stiff neck. Granfather hollared back at him that the onley reason he had a stiff neck was becuase one of his danm Viagra pills must of got stuck in his throaht.

Granfather then leaned over to me and whisporred that Zeke was always "The Fredo of the Family." If you evor saw the movie The Godfathor you know that poor Fredo is the stupid oldor brother.

The TV Movie Marrathon Contineus

As soon as the show was over I tryed to do work for my job. Because my Uncle is sleeping in my room, and my computor is in there Ive been workin off my laptop in the kitchen. But in a small trailor like ours the kitchon is so close to the living room and so the danm TV is so loud. Also, while watching TV, Granfather was also onthe portoble phone with his new girlfreind, (the Female version of James Carvill), and he was talkin all goo-goo romantically to her with his graiting, froglike voice. When Granfather gets cutesy his voice sounds like the deepest voiced Munchkin in The Wizord of Oz the one with the heavy croak that gives small kids bad dreams when you hear him in the backgruond grunting: "FOLLOW THE YELLOWBRICK ROAD!"
You know which munchkin I mean.

It was also very hard becuase Norma Rae and Soapdish were playing back to back on that Sally Feild TV Movie Marrathon. Granfather as you know often wears a large 2-foot diamator cardboard bucket coller around his neck just like a dog or cat does aftor you take them to the vetorrinarian to get stitches in order to keep them from lickin their balls after an operration. The reasen Granfather wears it is to train him to keep from biting sores and bleedy areas on his shouldor and neck. (YES, he can twist his head to bite the back of his neck.)

One the one hand, our poor family, which suffors so much from the raw shame of merely being rellated to Granfather, sees the existence of this cardbord collar as an emblem and remindor of the pure peurile non-human horror of the man. But on the othor hand, our familly is graiteful that the collor is there at all, lest we find out if he too is able to lick his danm balls if it wasnt on. Because you know if he COUD do it he probly WOUD.

Well dont you know all of a suddon the TV is even loudor than ever and i turn arround to see that Granfather has removed the collar and atached it with silver duck tape to the speaker of the TV set!! It is pointed straight toword where I am sitting in the kitchon. Just like a danm meggaphone.

Granfather made some cynicol remark about how "Now I coud enjoy Salley Field better!" When I complainned he said, "SHUT UP BOY UNLESS YOU'D RUTHER I TAPE THE THING TO MUH ASS."

Woud you beleive I imediatly stopped complaining.

Norma Ray was the worce of the two films for me as Sally Fields was so much younger back then and full of viggorous vocal energy. I didnt get to sleep till 4 AM.

On the job

I wrote in my last update abuot how i am working at that new company, 'Cyberblop.' (This is not their real name, which i am not aloud to mention.).

Well things have not realy improved a whole lot. We had anothor staff meeting on Wendsday. It began and ended with me getting screammed at in front of the entire group. As i wrote last time, there is a lady there known as The Lady Who Screamms at Everyone. Well she was hollering her danm head off at ME.

It seems that there was a problem with me being abble to get internol e-mail passwords and Lan IDs to log on the network. Nobody felt it was there job to assign me these IDs: Ops, Systems or Suppourt. Those three deppartments kept passing me off to the othor two.

One thing peoplle always like to say arround here is ITS NOT MY JOB. In fact one of the girls wears a t-shirt that says "I.N.M.J." on it which stands for "Its Not My Job."

Well I take my seat in the meeting and I am just sitting there as the othor people are all filing in, talking and shuffling pappers waiting for the meeting to start. I ofton have problems where i mumble to myself. It is very rude and I am tryin to work on it. Anyway I was half-silentley humming to myself a song i heard on the Oldies raddio station as i drove in, She-Was-A-Long-Cool-A-Womon-In-A-RED! DRESS! (Or mabye its a 'Black dress' -- i cant undorstand it from the song), and i was tapping my pencil on the table and beffore i knew it the entire place was sudennly silent and 40 peoplle were lookin at ME.

Oh, crap was i enbarassed. I imediatly stopped singing and tapping. I froze silentley and then looked down in my lap. I figuored that as soon as i stopped peoplle woud get on with the business of the meeting.

But they were all still quiet.

When i looked up they were all still lookin at me! I didnt say nothin for abbout 10 seconds and all of a sudden the Lady Who Screams At Evereyone started screammin at ME, "Where is it! Where is it! Where is it!" and it was very horroble.

Well i haveto tell you i didnt know what the hell she was screamin about. But it turns out that the first part of the meeting was suposed to be based on somthing that was prepaired by ME.

She is hard to undorstand when she screamms but she did say over and ovor that she sent me a bunch of e-mails abbout this. And then two othor people start holloring at me that theyve ben sending me e-mails too, and why the hell didnt I respond? Next, my Boss, (My own Boss, of all peoplle, for Gods sake), intorjects above the din, and says in front of the whole gruop, "Yes, where is it you effing idiot?", (and yes, he used the "F" word).

Finaly the girl with the shirt that says "I.N.M.J." on it starts yelling also and says that Id bettor get my ass on that network and clean out my friggin mailbox and start deleting stuff, becuase I had over 200 messages from the last 3 weeks just sittin there, and the e-mail client they have set up on the internol system will cause my In-Box to crap out at 300. Then my boss said WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU.

When i finaly was able to respond I said in a crackly voice (becuase I hate speakin infront of people plus i do NOT like gettin screamed at) that i do not have passwords or Lan IDs. And atleast 3 peoplle said "What the hell have you been doin for the last 3 weeks?"

I had the most horroble feeling like i was goingto throw up. I dont even remmember what hapenned but they said that because I saw such a spectaculor Screw-Up with a capital "F" that they woud reschedoule my part of the meeting for 4 PM.

This place sucks

OK, I have gotton in truoble for messing up in the past. But this was for stuff i had no controle over. My heart was beating and i was feeling all clammy and sick for the whole day and I was shaking and my moulth was dry. Those of the male gendor who are aware of such things will know what i am talking abbout when i say that there was "considorable shrinkage" asociated with the public truama of the ordeal.

The rest of the day was like a blur.