Working to make the web 'That much more offensive' since 1995
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Somtimes the sea is dark and full of wrath. Its belly swells, then crasshes down in tempestuous waves of fury. Othor times it is dark and calm, as smooth as black glass obsidien. This is how it is right now, on this day. It is now two weeks since that horribble night, the night of the party of the very last Must See TV Seinefeld Thursday...
There we stood in the bastord's junkyard, bathed in the headlamps of the amboulance. As soon as we heard the forboading blast, we looked in the direction of the trailer to see a rising plume of flaime and smoke. It was a quartor of a mile away, but even still a large peice of smoking aluminum sheeting, actualy a portion of the trailer roof, fall out of the sky trailing a tail of black soot and it landed practicaly at our feet with a dull clang. Me and Granfather clamored in the ambulence to hurry back to the trailer.
"I AIN'T LIABLE!" Granpy screammed as he scramboled in, "I'D BETTER NOT GIT SUED."
Do you know when you are climbing in a vehiccle with anothor person, and he has to pass by you to get to his seat, and the space is cramped, how it is posibble to have that persen's ass pass by your face? And, do you know how carefull that persen usualy is so their ass DOSENT do that? The key word here is usualy.
Well as Granfather climbed in, he kept sayin:
"EXCUSE ME, PARDON ME!
EXCUSE ME, PARDON ME!"
EXCUSE ME, PARDON ME!"
...just like in that old Buggs Bunny cartoon where he is being a pain in the ass tromping thru the seats in the movie theator. Granfather was going back and fourth, giggling to himself undor his breath and he was making his ass very conspiccuously close to my face ON PURPOSE.
Then, when we reached the house to get out, he sniped to the driver that "AMBULENCE IS SPELT BACKWORDS, DUMBASS" on the front hood of the van.
But its only spelt backwords like that so drivers in front of them coud see it spelt frontwords in there rear-view mirrers.
Granfather KNOWS this too becuase hes been in an abbulence a thoasand times, but he just likes to break chops.
Well beleive it or not, this is the answor:
I have writtan many times about how bad Granfather's farts are. Even thuogh I have a repputtation for exagoration, one thing Ive never embelished in these pages, NOT ONCE, is the old bastord's gas.
- I have seen the gassy troll erase vast sectors of computor hard drives, merely by launching a wind biscuit in an ajdacent room to where the hardware is plugged in.
- I have seen him float fumes which exploaded batteries in cell phones that strangers are carrying at a distence of 20 yards.
- I once saw him, on a hot summer day when one of those puffey vinyl toilet seats which alwayes stick to you when its humid, happenned to cement his ass by means of airlock pressure to the bowl in a stickey wet seal, where, a subseqeunt fart, not even forcefulley released, caused an implosion which reduced that said bowl to no more than a small dainty pile of finely pulvorized white powdored porcelain cerramic dust.
- I even once saw the smelly sunoffobbich launch gut smoke which caused a proffound drop in localized baromettric pressure, burned out the ballbearrings of a $200 blender which was set on Setting Numbor 16, (which is "Liqeufy" in case you want to know), and after the smoke cleared the blades were glowing red-hot and were actualy spinning in the oposite direction.
And by the way, it happaned to be a store display machene, and it was dammaged beyond repaire. Sears woudnt let us leave unless we boght it.
So, I ask, why shoud anyone be supprized when a hole is punched in time?
"I DROPPED THET AIR COOKIE NEAR THE STERNO FLAME," Granfather whispored to me at the top of his lungs, as I carryed him up the rickety wood porch stairs of our trailor, which still had black smoke bilowwing from the kitchen vent.
"GRAMPY KNOWS HIS WORST GASBOMBS KIN TRAVEL THRU TIME"," said the old basterd in his very pomppous third persen (or rathor third beast) tone.
"I DONE FELT IT FLY OUT MUH BUTT NIGH 35 MINUTES INTO THE FUTURE SO I DONE GOT THE HELL OUT O'THAR BEFORE THET STANKY SUMBITCH HIT."