Walter Miller's Home page

Artistically painted (just for the Internet) with a broad toilat brush.

Late-May/Early June 1998

Speciel Extra-Exaggorated Edition Update!

Page 8 of 8


And she was even more drunker than she was beffore, smiling and makin her eyebrows go up and down. Very seductively she removed the Marlboro from her porterhouse lips and blew smoke in my face. Then she burped and more smoke came out her nose and she kept learing at me and slowly was lickin her lips.

OhmyGOD, i had to get outof there....And i had to do it beffore the sewege level rose anymore.

I sudenly remmembered: The car!

Oh crap, I had to move Uncle Zeke's car. I bolted from the kitchon, and ran out on the porch. Zeke's car was parked in the barn, which was on slightley higher ground than the trailor. The sewage was up the the second to last step, probly at hip level from the looks of it, if i descided to make a run for it. Luckilly, i saw the clothesline which ran from the side of the laundrey room window to the side of the barn. Glancing over my shouldor, I saw Cathyann in pursuit. Stumbing along, she was trotting after me, unbuttening her shirt and i coud see parts of her industreal strength bra poking out.

The clothesline was mabye 5 feet away.

I woud have to dive for it.

If I made it, I coud shimmy along the clothesline, all the way to the barn, and to safety. If I missed, i woud plundge down to the brown muck below, dying an earley death in the envellopment of 100% Pure Granfather.

And if I stayed, i would have to engage in errotic fisticuffs to deffend my sacred honor. And so i leaped...And so I made it.

Hanging upside down I wrapped my knees arround the clothesline which strained undor my weight. There was no way Cathyann woud come after me, because i was sure the cord woudnt hold her, being that I weighed allot less.

Reaching the othor side, i clammored into the window of the barn, and gently dropped myself on the hood of the car hands first as not to cause a dent. The sewwege level in the barn was only up to the wheels of the old Pontiac. I climbed into the drivers side, and just as i stuck the key in, I heard a loud crash and felt a poworful blow to my head. I was knocked out....


"But whut hapenned to the necklace? The NECKLACE?", Uncle Will screammed at the poor undorpaid, overworked Texas State Department of Septic and Cesspool Disastar Recovory employee.

"I'm getting to that!" he answored inpatiently. The $75-an hour guy with the virtual reallity glove tool thingy flipped the Catfish Cam(TM) on once agian. Junior stood by the entrence of the cabin and pleadded with Madison, who as i said, was a medicol doctor, to please prescribe for him, "a couple of months' worth, and strictly fer medicol reasons ONLY," a few boxes of the new smokes he had enjoyed three weeks ago. And my boss, my boss's boss, the client who was paying for the Catfish Cam(TM), and the Lady Who Screams at Everyone were all screammin at each othor.

"Muh dumb-ass little brother," Uncle Will griped and wheezed, "The one you-all candyass computer wingnut poindexter sumbitches keep callin' 'The Subject' was keepin muh necklace in a dagnab cigar box under his bed."

"FIND it," Uncle Will hollared, at the Lady Who Screamms At Everyone, which was a misteak if you ask me...


You can geuss what it was that knocked me out in the Pontiac: Cathyann indeed was able to make it ovor to the barn by way of the clothesline just like me, and as she dove in the window, she plopped ass first onto the roof of Uncle Zeke's car, cauasing it to indent down and whack me in the head. I awoke to my horror in a horrorzontal position to sound of my own ribs bein crushed, her arms wrapped tight arround my wriggling strugling torso. And then it came.

"When Tounges Attack"

At home we have this large almanac-sized book full of tiny print and in it are thuosands of movie reviews listed in alphabeticol order. Roger Ebert wrote the book and covors allmost every movie ever released. I think the book is from 1987 or 1988 becuase Ebert still has black hair. Aneyway, he rates them from One Star up to Four Stars, except for 2 or 3 realley awful movies, yes, ONLY 2 or 3 movies in the WHOLE book of thoussands of movies, which dont have any stars at all. One of those moveis is the 1982 film "The Beast Within"

Yes, in one part of the film somone indeed gets attacked and inpregnated by a reptilian swamp monstor, (and this in itself is a key to my precedent geneology, at least on Granfathers side of the familly); but what i am thinking of here is annothor scene where this disgousting salami looking thing proceeds out of this poor kids mouth just as he sheds his skin to becomme the Beast Within. If you evor saw that movie (and to my knowlege only me and Rogor Ebert ever have), that -- That my freinds, THAT is "the tounge."

I respectfuly decline to give aneymore details of what hapenned in that car.

How I excaped

Junoir, Godbless him, so normally simple minded, and now thankfuly, (due to the speciel smokes), with his powers of observattion enhanced, happanned to be looking out the living room window of the trailer. There, 40 feet away he saw straight into the window of the barn to see the Pontiac sitting there, its interior glass clouded with a covor of steamy vapor...and my desperate skinny hand sudenly slap agianst that rear window of the car...and then slowly descend in a misty trail...

With the sewege practicallay up to his neck, Junior waded out to resceu both me and Cathyann, and in two trips, carreyed us piggyback, to the safety of the trailer. Yes, it was now too late to resceu Uncle Zeke's car.

Speakin of Uncle Zeke...

Where the hell was he? No one coud remmember seeing him for atleast an hour. The last thing I remmember was that he went after Granfather, who had stole the pot metal necklace out of his hand, and then dove into the tornado celler beneath the house...Uh-Oh.

I hate being the skinniest persen in any given sittuation, because i am allways the one who is told to crawl into tight places to do things i havent the brains or courage to do. Yes, poor Uncle Z. was handcuffed to the upper toilat pipe which ran across the ceiling of the storm celler. You can guess who did this to him: GRANFATHER.

The raw brown sewege was up to his neck and was slosshing up round his moulth and he gasped at me, and those sad eyes of his which look in oppossite directions when he looks at you were both gripped in terror. As you know i have seen this movie beffore and so for some serendippitous reasen, a large heavy ax was handy, and i so used it to whack the chain off Uncle Zeke's wrist.

Also, pasted to my Uncle's forehead was the label to a 3.5" diskette, and writton on this (in Granfather's evil handwriting scrawl), it read:

MY NAME IS ZEKE
AND NOW I'M DEAD
SO PLEASE BE SURE
TO BURY ME FACE
DOWN BECAUSE I AM
SO DAMN BUTT UGLY

I pulled my poor elderley uncle up to the opening of the hatch, but it was blocked. Yes, Granfather had tore off the screen door from the laundry room, and placed it over the trapdoor, kneeling on it. While I fearfully watched, he looped a biciycle chain thruogh the door, locking us in. Me and Zeke grasped the door, rattoling and shaking it screamin that we will drown if the bastord dosent let us out.

"WHOSE THE 'THIRD CLASS' ANIMAL NOW?" Granfather shreiked and then he scamporred off.

Well that ax came in handy again, and in no time i busted through and was back inside the trailer hallway.

A big problem

A big problemm had hapenned when i used the ax to break the handcuffs because I had rupptured that toilet pipe. As soon as I pulled Zeke up, The female James Carvill, who had presumabley been sittin on the can in the bathroom dropping a load shot up to the cieling as a brown geysor from beneath shot her off the bowl, and a wall of liqiud beat down the door, and wooshed accross the corner, yes, rushing water making a turn, just like in, well, you know....That OTHOR movie that got 4 stars. In any even the trailer was on its way down.

The next hour was a blur.

Alls I remmember was holding on for dear life with the rest of the partygoers, onto the egde of the porch as the back of the trailer pitched upword on its way to stand upright in the fusty sea for the finol plunge down. This was the onley part of the trailor not submerged in the sea of sewage, which now stretched as far as eye coud see, and lapped at the county line. There in the distence i saw a few lucky folks floating away, crowded into the satellite dish which had been on our roof, and which apeared to be piloted by Blankenship. (I later heard a rumor that in the last tradgic momments, the cheap tightwad Scotch bastord had actualy been taking cash bribes from guests who wanted to seccure a seat on the floating dish. But his family later maintainned that it wasnt true. Boy, were they pissed at that rumor.)

The very last thing I remmember beffore blacking out

Call me crazy, but I swear I saw Ripke, (who had been holding on to the railing next to me on the porch stern), slip and fall, and then hit his head on the way down smack onto a giant iron propellor which for some unexplianned reason was atached to the lower rear of the trailer. I never knew we had one there. Oh well. I live in a danm junkyard so i shoudnt be supprized...


"All's me an' Willy want is to git thet thar necklace, so we can toss it into the watery grave of thet Gawd-awful devil brother of ours," Uncle Zeke told the virtual reallity operator, as he slowly opened up the cigar box that was under Granfather's bed.

Yes the Catfish Cam(TM), now reaching down more than 100 feet thruogh brown cesspool juice, had finaly located Granfather's bedroom. The trailor had landed upright on the new sea floor. Floating there in the murkey waste of adult diapers, beer cans, and anime pornoggraphy CDs from Japan, the remmote controle camera navigatted around, and then stopped: There, undullating in the filthey liquid like a giant peice of flat kelp, we all saw a horrobly acurrate charcole drawing of a bastord in an atack crouch, and the sight of this on the viewor caused everyyone on board to hold in a gasp...

..But then, they gasped agian, this time in uninhibitted, unrestrained horror....

We had located the body of the Bastord Himelf!!!

Just 2 days ago, I was begining to resign myself to the fact that Granfather was lost for good. And now, looking into those eyes, frozon open in the mask of drowning death, i had my answor....I had my resollution. I had my peace....

BUT ONLY FOR A MOMENT...BECAUSE JUST THEN HE BLINKED!

IT'S ALIVE! AAAAAIGHGGGHHH!


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The End

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I hope you liked the updatte. It was like i said, abbout, (mabye) like 50% exagorated. All the rest of it was true, I swear. Also, Granfather is (sadly) still alive and well. SEE YOU LATER THIS MONTH FOR A NEW UPDATTE.

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