Where you allways get what you pay for.
Page 4 of 6
It is painfull and enbarasing to admit but I have had interventions before. But now it was me who needed weight behind him in ordor to get the old basterd to agree to allow the wieght to extractad out of his behind.
The three criptozoologists, (who are Granfather's doctors), came by and so did the sheriff. We got my Dad on speakorphone from California. Althuogh Dad woud not be in the room with him to actualy smell him, we hoped his words woud contribute to this mountain being moved. In this case, a mountian in Granp's ass we hoped woud be his next "movement."
I also called Junior, our simple-minded nieghbor who lives in town, and despite the fact that Junoir seems to be the last persen around here who actualy thinks of a good idea, he was able to sugest somthing pretty smart: on short notice he called the County Clerk, who you may know from reading pryor updates of mine, is Granfather's sworn enemey.
First, the County Clerk woud bawl out Granps, and be upset and talk sternley to him. The Clerk and the sheriff woud play a little parler game: The Sheriff woud be the "good cop" and the County clerk woud be the "bad cop". (You have seen this routine many times in poorley written Interogation Room scenes in TV police shows.)
Next, after this, the County Clerk woud leave in an angry yet carefuly scripted huff.
Imediatly after that, the Sherrif woud tell Granfather, "He means business", and also, "Hot danm, was he pissed."
The sheriff woud then explian ways Granfather coud rescue the situattion and not lose face. (Even thuogh, if he ever truly lost that ugley face of his it woud be an inprovement).
Finaly, Each of us woud speak our peace. Our only goal: Convince Granfather to have the giant grout stalagmite disengaged from up his ass.
"NEMO AND DRIVE BY DONE GOT THE WORMS AGINN," Granfather gruffed noncholontly at Junior without even saying hello while he chewed on a very dryed out cigar.
"THEY'RE BOTH LASHED TO A POST OUT BACK, SO GIT ON OUT."
Nemo and Drive By are names of two of Granfather's dogs. This is both disgousting and cruel, but the dogs ofton get intestinol worms. And insted of taking them to a vet, the old basterd uses a nasty old Texas folk remedy of fasting the hounds off water for two days so the worms migrate to the stomoch and then feeding the dogs a shotglass full of gasoline. I refuse to do this awful deed, but Junior does, for a dollor a dog, plus he has to use his own gas from the can in his truck.
When the old bastord saw the County Clerk and Sherriff enter, he sudenly perked up.
"WHUT THE HAYLE'S GOIN ON HERE?" he barked.
"This is an intervention," I said with my voice cracking. I do not have a strong voice to begin with plus I was holdin back tears. I allways get emmotionol at interventons. My dad, whose had just conected on speakorphone told me to try to controle myself. (I also have probloms controllin myself.)