Walter Miller's Homepage

I am open to ideas.

April 1999 update

Page 6 of 6

I was reppulsed by this shameless ploy of the sheriff and I stourmed out of the living room and went into my room and shut the door. I coud hear the lawman, the woman, and one very happy old basterd discusing terms of the deal.

A few minutts later there was a knock at my bedroom door. The sheriff came in and sat at the egde of my bed. Me and him went back a long way, and there were many times when we both helped one annothor restrain Granfather for one reasen or anothor.

I cannot help that i am needy

He said, "What's wrong, Walter?" and being the type of persen I am, who canot stand up for himself, and also tends to lie abbout his convictions in ordor for people to like and acept him, (yes, its imatture and painfull to admit), I said to him, (crying and a little enbarassed), "Nothin is wrong."

The sherif coud see right thru me and told me not to worry: he had not compromised his oath to uphold the law.

What the sheriff told me

"Sometimes when you negotiate with terrorists and criminals, you have to lie. Yer Granpaw is a savage animal, and we must deal with him as such."

This was somthing I totaly agreed with. The sheriff also told me to come outside and tak a good look at the 'Speciel Guest':

"Did you see the 'prisoner's' throat? You kin hang a garment bag on that thar Adam's Apple. It's a man, Walt."

He went on to tell me that the man was a female-inpersonatting ammature actor who came all the way from Austin to help out. He also said that it was importent to get a man dressed like a woman to do the job, becuase, once freed from the grout, Granfather woud still try to fulfill the deal -- unless of corse he was bamboozled by it being a man all along.

In a mattor of minuttes, Granfather agreed to be taken imediatly by flatbed truck to the auto body shop to have the giant mass of dryed tile adhesive removed from his colorectal area. The sheriff also told me NOT to mention to Granps how we planned to bamboozel him till after the proceedure. And so, that day, the old basterd was sepparated from the mount of grout.

What the sherrif DID NOT tell me

It seems that along with travol expences, the female-inpersonatting actor cost $600 bucks. And the sheriff's department sent my family the bill. Dad is now suing the county. The county's lawyor says that it is a "reasonable rescue expence" that the municipallity cannot absorb.

How the proceedure worked.

We took Granfather to the same autobody shop in town where 2 years ago he was cut out of the rolling castor bed that his jeallous girlfreind closed up on him. Two large sized septic tank sucker trucks were allready on hand, and idling in the garrage bays when we arrived.

Madison and Blankenship, dressed in there yellow toxic waste suits pefformed the opperation. (Poor Ripke was too lame to assist thanks to Granp's bite to his thigh earlior).

At first, they tried all kind of laxatives but nothing coud budge the bound bulge from the bind of the basterd's belly. So finaly they got a giant wooden paddol and smeared it full of super slippory automobile lithium grease and shoved it down his throaght while at the same time they filled the air compressor with Marvol Mysterey Oil which is this pink colored magic stuff they use to loosen filth from engine valves. With the help of two of the mechannics and the tire guy, this they sqiurted with high powor right up his ass.

Yes it was coght on tape.

Granfather spent a week in the hospitol recupperating, and all the while he kept yammering exitedly abbout his, "upcomming date with thet purty bad-check-passin' blonde."

The old basterd also insisted on cappturing the whole thing on tape which he Fed-Ex'ed to the Fox network in hopes they woud purchase it for one of thier, "Busted! Disgousting Ass-and-Crap-Related Moments Coght on Tape" television specials.

This time Fox had a diferent responce from before.

I had said before that Granfather peeked the network's interrest when he first contacted them abbout his grout escapade. But this time we received a more aloof reply from somone at Fox who said in so many words, "Thanks but no thanks."

Granfather insistad on calling the person at Fox in L.A. who signed the lettor from his hospitol bed, and when he got him on the phone, he again told Granps that on second thoght, and upon reveiwing the concept with his supperiors, the tape of the grout removol was, "too graphic and disturbbing even for them."

Granfather never knows when to quit, persistent pestilant basterd that he is.

"LOOKY HERE," he offored.


By now the poor man at Fox was shreiking and said that it was bad ennough he was still havin bad dreams 4 days lator after watchin the danm tape, and also please dont call agian.

Dad is not the only one suing the county

In a sepparate developmant, once Granfather was releaced from the hospitol, and he reallized that his "promised date" had absconded, and he found out it wasnt a promise (or for Godsake, even a woman at all), he also decidded to sue the county, as well as the sheriff and the County Clerk personolly for Fraud, Breach of Contract, and even "Homosexaul Pimping" which may or may not be on the books, but even if its not i can asurre you is agianst the law in Texas.


I am going to try to get my next update done in a more timely way. One of the things I use this hompage for is to express my feelings and along with that is my hopes and dreams. My hope and dream is to have a TV cartoon done on my life based on this hompage.

There. I have said it. If you happan to be an executive at FOX network or also the Comedy Channol or somplace like that and you like my work, here I am and by the way I will work CHEAP. Please forgive my shameless plea. But I have no shame left. My life is one big living houmilliation. Anyway. Whatevor.

Also one more admision: One reason why i atack Granfather so much is that I am a little jeallous of him and also I wished he cared for me more and payed more atention to me. Also I want him to take bettor care of himself. I woud like to apologize for the poor quallity of my website lately, and of gettin it up on time. Also for my bitter strident tone these last four years I have ben writting this crap. There, I have said that too. Oh and by the way: This is sort of an anticlimmactic afterthoght, but you might as well know (and I think I mentioned this on the first page of this updatte) that my problom of being withdrawn and also constippated has ben takon care of. Still too painfull to talk abbout now , I promise I will write abbout it, (as wel as the latest that is going on with GRANFATHER) -- in the next update that I PROMISE will be up somthime this month.