"WHAT THE HELL YOU MEAN, 'TOBBACCY AINT A VEGETOBLE?'"
-- Granfather, in a lame excuse to my folks after me
and my brothor spent the summer there, ages 10 & 11.
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Granps needed to go to the library to do research for his upcoming court case for animal abuse so we (thankfuly) descided to meet back at the train statoin locker at 5:30 to go to the airport.
The first meeting was a freelance writing interveiw with a lady I met through e-mail. Althuogh she was VERY nice to me the interveiw did NOT go well. Granfather says he loves the internet cause 90% of all females on it are his type: fifty, fat and smoke. OH CRAP!! he didnt see HER. She was MUCH MORE prettier in person than she was thru e-mail. Im very shy around pretty womon (probly due to my being surounded by one very ugly person all day long) plus I dont talk allot anyway so I was extra quiet.
I am not the only writer and also theyre aware of my mediocore spelling & grammor so my stuff will be edited. The lady found me thru my homepage and said that what counts most is that she knows Im sensotive to emotionol isseus.
On the one hand i found myself pleasantly suprised to be happilly returned to the realm of unatracttive men. The first thing i wanted to talk about was why I STILL cant see the revolving graphic of the trailer and the keyboard on my Netly colunm page: I still havent seen it.
But a couple of agitaited Netley editors said FORGET THAT FOR NOW and told me Id bettor hustle my ass over to this fancey Executive luncheon because I was SUPOSED to meet private with Mr. Levin whose a very inportant man, and because i wasnt there he went to lunch without me. They also said be sure to call him MISTER Levin and NOT 'Jerry' and try not to act like a fool. So I ran off & got there just as they served lunch.
And Mr. Levin says 'OH HELLO you must be Walter's Granfather' just like hes expecting him. Granfather lazily looked back at him, rolled his yellow eyes and appeared to be tryin to stifle a belch but what he was realy doin was puffing thru the tube and forcin the smoke upword and out of his nose as he pedanticly replied, quite erudite, GOOD DAY SIR. THERE AINT NOTHIN LIKE A MACKANUDO, DONT YOU THINK?
I cant beleive it!!! I later found out the evil bastord read my Daytimer when I went to the restroom on the train and called up to invite his own scraggly ass carcass along too.
Then he started tellin everyone there that 2 freinds of mine in California PLUS HIM help me write and research my Netly colunm because i am too imature to have precise industrey insight. This is only somwhat partly true. OK, it is mostley ALL true. YES my freind helps me do my colunm. Plus granps too. In any case it was very enbarassing.
WHUT THE HELL YOU STANDIN THERE LOOKIN' LIKE YOU GOT ONE O'THEM SIX-FOOT LONG FANCY-ASS RESTUARANT PEPPER SHAKORS UP YER BUTT? PUT A HEAD ON THIS, *NOW* GOLDANGIT, **NOW** , B'FORE I GIT NASTY ON YOU.
The stick was one of those twirly things from the end of the venetian blinds. It whistoled thru the air when he waved it an when people got hit on there ass it made a thwappity thwap sound: you know the noise.
On the way out the evil smelly ogre swiped at a few othor people with the stick and made a evil chuckol and said IT HURTS LIKE HELL, DONT IT?
In the elevator Granfather ruminated outloud to no one in particulor some rambling statement like, NOW THET FOLKS ARE 'COMIN OUT' AND DECLAIRING THERE PREFERENCES WITH NO SHAME, and since everyone always brags about knowing celebritys, if anyone at Netly coud bychance fix him up on a blind date with his latest preferrence of late: Martha Stuart.
Y'ALL SEEN THET T.V. AD O'HER WEARIN THET PURTY K-MART JUMPSIUT DRIVIN' THET BIG OLE 18-WHEELER? SHE COUD PARK HER RIG NEXT TO MY TRAILOR ANYTIME: WHAT A TOMATO!
In the Lobby, Secourity took a picture of me for an ID card to get in the building next time, and also one of Granfather that they will keep at the front desk with ordors to call the cops if he ever shows his discgusting emaciated repuolsive skinny ass there again.