If your startin to get woozy, please stop reading an come back later: This online featoure is best in small doses.
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Once we were out on the sidewalk Granfather was very haughty and said IM GOIN BACK TO THE PUBLIC LIBERRY, BOY, AN' DONT YOU FOLLY ME THERE.
I had to sit in this squat little couch and i sank down realy low. When it was time to get up I COUDNT plus my legs fell asleep. The worst part was i was playing with one of those executive Corporate desk Toys on the guys desk. You know, one of those metal modern art lookin things made for people to play with that everyone has on there desks at work these days. Well my friggin hand got stuck in it. Not olny did they have to both pull me out of the couch we had to go the kitchenette and loosen it off my hand with dish soap plus it broke.
I offored to pay for it and asked how much. The book publisher said never mind YOU CANT AFORD IT WALTER. My agent didnt say nothin but he looked enbarassed and the publishor looked PISSED.
Then Granfather got on the web and started searchin around for any kind of legol prescedent that woud exonnorate him. He knew the perfect defense was just at the tip of his reptilian forked tounge but he just coudnt put his greasy finger on it. So to clear his mind he flipped on MELROSE.
And this is where it upset him. It was the first time the old subhuman beast watched it in a long while and it hoplessly confused him to the point of violant angor. It seems the small golf ball size proto-simian brain beneath his sloping pre-apelike brow coudnt absourb the facts regarding turnover of cast members over the last few seasons.
He began mumbling incohearent sentence fraggments outloud at me while I worked on my website in the other room and we had a convorsation like this:
Granfather used the legal pad to take notes. (I must say--allot of the new people on the show DO look like the old ones).
"THET ONE THAR'S FACE LOOKS LIKE JANE, BUT GOT HAIR LIKE ALISON..."
"THIS ONE HERE GOT AMANDA'S JIGGLY PARTS BUT IT AINT HER FACE..."
"You dont say..."
"...WHY'S 'JO' GOT A BOY'S NAME? AN' HOW'D 'KYLE' GIT A GIRL'S NAME, AN HOW'D HIS ASS GIT THROWED IN THE POOL? **ANSWOR ME**, BOY!"
"I dontt KNOW, Granfather!!
"THEN GIT OFF YER CANDY-ASS AN GIT ME THAT THAR LEGAL PAD!"
When he got up the part where he drew a chart with Micheals wives THATS where he lost it. He lost count at 5. Then me & him got in a argoument about whether the evil twin of Kimborley counted as ONE or TWO wifes. I said I DONT know Granfather. And then he said: THATS YOUR GENORATION BOY, YORE SUPOSED TO KNOW.
It was aftor hours with the main swichboard closed, so alls he talked to was some low level lackey who got to hear a deranged savage scream at him:
WHOSE THET NEW POUTY GAL?I got onthe extension phone and told the guy PLEASE dont agitate granfather becuase he is VERY excited. And the smart ass Fox guy said if he was 'excited' then the Fox network was doing its job.
WHOSE THET NEW UGLY FELLER?
WHOSE DIDDLIN WHO DAMMIT!
Granfather hollered back that they shoud make Melrose Place adopt ONE THEME like Bevorly Hills 90201 where for 5 out of 7 seasons they rode the old Brandon-loves-Kelley-Loves-Dillon-loves-Kelly-Loves-Branden deal.
"AND ANOTHOR THING ABOUT 90201", granfather screamed, "LETS SEE MORE AMBER: AND I DONT MEAN THE PETROFIED SAP WITH BUGS COUGHT IN IT YOU MAKE DINOSAURS OUT OF."
He means of corse Ambor Theison who plays Valory whose chest is always poppin out of everywhere from all sides of the TV screen. I told him: Dont get your hopes up Granfather. TV isnt the web YET.
Just before he slammed the phone down he scremed that hed boycott evrey danm product advortized on Fox if Mulder and Scully wasnt doin the "WILD THING" by the time summer reruns started. "...AND I AIN'T MEANING IN NO 'ALTORNATE REALITY' OR DREAM SEQEUNCE, NEITHOR."
Man, does the old bastord NOT undorstand the X-files, or what?
Working on a Legal Deffense