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May 1997 Update

Page 4 of 5

No more foolin around: Granfather had to start workin on his legal derfense and he had to start NOW. His head was rattling with ideas but they all needed to come togethor...


The ideas began to crystolize in the mind of the beast. The old coot's limited mentol functions work best durin his 'creative' time and nothin gets his small, cold blooded crocodilian three-chambored heart pumping like when Rosinni is blastin from the 8-track. Granfather sat there in such deep thuoght, he didnt even notice when the academic cryptozoologists drove up in the big white van for there weekly exam.

An inportant yet controversiel finding

Becuase my hideous ancestor is such a valaublely unique and aberrantley anomolous biological specimon, the sceintists were very eagor begin poking and prodding since they missed 2 weeks of precoius sessions while we were away.

Meanwhile granfather (known in sceintific circles as "Exhibbit X") was unwilling to submit to the routine prods while in this deep contemplation. So there was a singulor and never seen before oportunity for the cryptozoomen to perform an empirical and highley experimentol proceadure called a luminescenent odorriferal specto-olfacto-graphicoscopy.

You have never heard of it: Only in a few formor Soviet tests was it ever tried it and no one ever proved it:


We make scientific history

As the seated, motionless beast was showered with photon particols and placed in prone profile agianst a large plate of sterile glass coated with a gellatious solution of silver nitrate and oxidized wolfram they made a startling conclusion, right in the bathroom of our humble rurol trailer and I swear Im NOT makin it up: Even the man's SHADOW smells.

How coud a SHADOW smell, you ask? Youve never met granfather. For years we all thuought it was our imaginnation. But you put your nose up to his shadow, take a sniff and you know what? It smells. It dosnt smell as strong as him, but more like a poor man's verssion of Granfather. And now we have proof.

Coming soon to a paranormol Web site near you

I wont go into detailes but in coming months the sceintific findings will probley be poublished somewhere on the web. I dont exactley know the URL yet. Also when shined on with a black light granfathers gums ooze a naturral organic secretion called luciferin which is the same kind of stuff found in glow worms and fireflies.

My dad, Stepmom and brothor deny it--But me, my Uncles and my sisterin Law know its true: I am descended from a friggin insect. And no ordonarey insect. ONE WHO SMELLS SO BAD HIS SHADOW SMELLS.

After Granfather signed the routine forms, and the scientists paid him his cash and left, I heard him mutter under his breath while drinkin beer during the Jim Lerher show, SO BIG DIDDLY DEAL, I SMELLS LIKE AN ELEPHENTS ASS....LIKE THEY NEED A DANG FEDOROL RESURCH GRANT IN ORDA TO FIND THET OUT...

He pulls an all nighter

All that night granpy was up on the computor in his room typing. His legal deffense to protect himself against charges of animol abuse was now clear and he had his argument to suport his claim. He ran the web on one computer while writing his rambling mannifesto on another, an old 286 monocrome DOS thing.

Granfathers favorite wordprocessor is still the old Wordperfect 5.0 DOS. I hate it cause he screams out commands to himself all night long:


(I remember I replied to somone at work once: "Why YES, that IS my 'granfathers wordprocesor' as a mattor of fact."

The uniqeu defense is this: Granps says he WILL respect annimals rights, BUT ONLY ONCE THEY AGREE TO RESPECT ONE ANOTHERS RIGHTS. So, by heavily plaigorizing and also grossley exagorating from all kind of websites and printed books, the old basterd wrote over 100 pages on how 'Animals are the Most Animal Unfreindly of them all.'

The next morning I read it (and changed his ALL CAPS to uppor & lower case). An excerpt is below. You must understand that these are the incoherent lunatic babbolings of a sevverely mentally disturbed man (who may not even BE a human) and who writtes nearley as bad as me even if his spelling is better.

To hear the old basterd tell it heres the first parragraph:




The TRUTH About Who is the Most "Animal Unfriendly"

Hamsters eat their young. Fish practice cannibalism.

And male squirrels sexually harass and force unwanted

affections upon their females--Yes, earning their well

deserved moniker as the incontestable 'Senator Bob

Packwoods of the Rodent World.' All of this "animal

behavior"--let us call it what it is--occurs WITHIN

their own species groups. We do not tolerate this

behavior between humans. And it is High Damned time we

demand the same of our non-human companions as well.

Yes this is a very sick man. This is a man whose last regulorly sceduled job was in the late 1940s earning a dollor a night in a demented circus that toured the Southwest by biting heads off live chickons. This is a man who ON POURPOSE always guts and cleans lake bass at a public launch using his danm teeth an then tried to kiss his 8 year old grandson goodbye without even hosing his friggin moulth off once when the cops arested him to haul him away.

Now to prove it.